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... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

(425 Posts)
ShirleyValentineTwo Thu 12-Oct-17 23:17:23

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

ImLizawithaZ Thu 12-Oct-17 23:20:09

He is the waste of space in your life flowers

AnyFucker Thu 12-Oct-17 23:21:45

I think you have this the wrong way round

You would benefit from having him out of your life

His would be much poorer without you in it. What a pity he has no clue. That, however, is not your problem.

Insomnibrat Thu 12-Oct-17 23:23:15

I think YOU'D benefit more from his absence in your life than you in his..

sixbeesandalemur Thu 12-Oct-17 23:24:54

This sounds very sad and not like a loving relationship any more. Do you believe it is worth trying to tackle with him or are you here to hear confirmatin from us that it is time to call it a day?

Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest Thu 12-Oct-17 23:30:06

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

You would be very unreasonable yes. Unreasonable for giving this arsehole the time of day, unreasonable for even thinking (although I understand he's ground you down) thinking so low of yourself.

I absolutely promise you once you kick him to the kerb you will feel like a weight has been lifted as scarey as it is taking the first steps.

Reluctant2ndtimer Thu 12-Oct-17 23:30:22

He is a waste of space in your life. Why on earth are you worrying over what would be in his benefit? Put yourself first for once and ltb.

EdinaMonsoon Thu 12-Oct-17 23:34:14

He is vile. This relationship has never served you well, if the above account is anything to go by. How do you feel about asking him to leave? It seens clear that he has checked out of the marriage anyway. You cook, clean & pay the bills whilst he treats you like crap with zero respect. He's taking the proverbial. Please don't continue to allow him to.

ShirleyValentineTwo Thu 12-Oct-17 23:34:35

Thank you all so much. You've made me cry. I am welling up as I realise what a coward I've become.
I just need a little more (feigned) stability time until DC are fully independent.

elephantoverthehill Thu 12-Oct-17 23:43:43

Believe me Shirley the DC's will have picked up on this. You can't feign it. Sorry.

EdinaMonsoon Thu 12-Oct-17 23:44:24

You aren't a coward. You've been strong enough to put up with this shit for years. I really do feel for you. How long before DC will be independent? Do you have a set date in mind? I think for your sanity & self esteem it would be good to have a firm plan.

EdinaMonsoon Thu 12-Oct-17 23:45:25

And agree that your DCs will be aware. Don't put up with it anymore. Make a plan & act on it.

Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest Thu 12-Oct-17 23:47:04

You're not a coward Shirley, you've been unfortunate enough to come across an egotistical arse who makes you feel like crap.

Please don't waste your life waiting for DC to be fully independent - you're worth so much more than this. Instead of crying get angry. How bloody dare he treat you like this!! There's always a 'reason' not to leave and the time isn't 'right'. That's what they rely on.

Start the steps to a fab life - you won't regret it I promise and you'll look back and wonder what took you so long xx

arethereanyleftatall Thu 12-Oct-17 23:47:50

You've got it the wrong way round. He's a waste of space in your life.
He sounds like a bellend, and you deserve better.

Waterfeature Thu 12-Oct-17 23:50:22

I'm just wondering whether you might ask for this to be moved to Relationships just in case someone decides to be mean as it's AIBU...

Really sorry to hear you are feeling so low. You are definitely not dirt under DH's shoe. You do not deserve to be treated like this. At all.

DJBaggySmalls Thu 12-Oct-17 23:51:40

You need something that gets you out of the house that he isnt involved in. Consider joining the WI or other local groups as an easy starter. It needs to be pleasant, and just for you.

SleepingStandingUp Thu 12-Oct-17 23:53:10

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays?
Yes. HE is the waste of space in your life

How old are the DC?

Aquamarine1029 Thu 12-Oct-17 23:54:30

It's time to take the blinders off and get the fuck out of that nightmare. You have far more power than you realize, and only you control your life. Pick yourself up, get a solicitor, and get on with your life. Don't wait one more day

MumOnBus Thu 12-Oct-17 23:57:46

(This thread could be in the Academics Corner.) I'm so sorry for you OP, it seems you both have grown apart over time and your DH doesn't even feel bad for it!! What are you going to do?

Storminateapot Thu 12-Oct-17 23:58:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShirleyValentineTwo Thu 12-Oct-17 23:59:11

Thanks again everyone. I need maybe two more years of going along like this.

My worry is that I helped create this 'monster'. I used to be really active and full of confidence and just did what I thought was best for my family. I didn't think that I shouldn't be doing everything that I could as I felt strong.

I was happy for DH to have to only think if his career and he has reached a good position. However, he is pretty arrogant about his success now and it's since a recent promotion that he has moved out of our bedroom and stays at work even longer.

The most painful part that makes me realise how isolated I have become is that I used to love a good hearty exchange of views whilst watching tv but now my every comment seems to disgust him.

DJBaggySmalls Fri 13-Oct-17 00:00:36

Its not you, its him.
Go out every evening that you can. dont sit there with him.

5foot5 Fri 13-Oct-17 00:02:59

Could you not see a solicitor and change the locks? He is an arsehole and honestly it might be better for your DC and definitely for you to get him out of he way.

ShirleyValentineTwo Fri 13-Oct-17 00:06:24

I'm waiting for DC to finish uni (2 years) as I don't want to create chaos at this important time.
It's just that tonight was really bad as I asked for some help moving something heavy that was involved with my business and he made it quite clear he was above helping out.

Efnisien Fri 13-Oct-17 00:06:25

You deserve better and so do your children flowers

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