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AIBU?

Was I unreasonable to block him

46 replies

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 21:33

I’m single and on Tinder. My profile picture is just a head and shoulders shot because I haven’t got any of my whole body - I will
sort one out soon though as it would avoid the situation I’m about to describe.

I’m a size 16 so could be viewed as fat by some. I’m not particularly bothered by this and I understand it’s down to personal preference and you can’t help what you find attractive or not attractive, and I accept that. I also know that some people do find it attractive. So whatever.

A man messaged me and he seemed really nice and interesting and we were having a nice chat. He suggested meeting for coffee and I said ok. He asked if we could chat on WhatsApp instead and I said fine (just as easy to block on there as tinder so not an issue in my eyes)

So we continued to chat and he compliments my picture. At that point I thought it was reasonable to mention my size, not in an apologetic way at all, but just so that he’s aware in case it’s a big deal and I really don’t want to arrive to meet someone to be greeted with a look of disappointment so it’s best to be honest.

So I told him I was a size 16 and he asked me to send him a full length picture. I said, politely, that if it was that important to him then we probably weren’t suited, and I wished him all the best etc. If he had said it wasn’t a problem, rather than asking for a picture, then that would have been fine. Equally if he’d said straight off the bat that he goes for slimmer women I would have left it there and then. I just felt that it was quite rude of him to ask so that he could judge, and would have been humiliating for me to sit there waiting for his judgement!

He immediately replied no, come back, looks don’t matter to me it’s fine but again I politely repeated that I was going to leave it there and goodbye then I blocked him.

Now, WIBU? I know we’re all being judged on our looks on dating sites, and as I said I’m going to include a full body shot to avoid the awkward conversation but was I a bit harsh on him? Or would you have done the same?

OP posts:

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ladystarkers · 12/10/2017 21:36

You did the right thing.

AJPTaylor · 12/10/2017 21:37

your response seems appropriate to me.

NannyRed · 12/10/2017 21:38

Of course it's entirely your decision, but you do seem to have been hasty in blocking him. He did say "looks don't matter" but we all know they do to an extent. Would you chat to someone with no profile picture? I know I wouldn't. I think it's just human nature to want to know what people look like.

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 21:41

Nanny I understand what you’re saying, but he did know what my face looks like and I’m sure most people have a vague idea of what a size 16 body looks like, so to insist on actually seeing it before going any further seemed a bit OTT to me. But I am quite wary of making a mistake in the men I date so possibly was a bit hasty?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 12/10/2017 21:44

I'm OLD and I think you were harsh.

Everyone carries a size 16 differently.

I don't go for thin men, i like on the overweight side.That's how I feel, physical attraction is important to me. I'm 50 and I wouldn't want to waste either of our time.

Papafran · 12/10/2017 21:46

I think you were right to block. Hopefully he will now think twice about doing the same to another woman he doesn't know. I would also say it was quite rude to ask for full length pics to check that your body was acceptable enough for him. I would never ask someone to send full body pictures- face would be enough and if I met them for coffee and found I wasn't attracted to them, I just wouldn't see them again. Plenty of slim people are twats but don't always let on so I don't see the big deal in not displaying every single lump and bump to a potential date.

Birdsgottafly · 12/10/2017 21:47

"most people have a vague idea of what a size 16 body looks like"

Not necessarily, size 16 varies shop to shop and how you dress etc makes a difference.

You were too hasty, if you were getting on up to that point.

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 21:47

Birds - interesting. I guess my criteria regarding physical attributes in men isn’t that specific. I mean I guess my preference is average build but I’ve been out with super skinny and quite overweight men because I was attracted to their personality and other features.

OP posts:

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 12/10/2017 21:48

NannyRed I didn't have a profile picture on my dating profile. I purposefully left it off because with low self esteem, I don't think I am pretty at all! I wanted to find someone who was interested in me not making an initial judgement on my appearance.

It worked!

12 years later we're married with 2 young children!

Flarrot I think you have been hasty. It may have simply been bad timing on his part to ask for a full length. If it mattered to him, he wouldn't have continued the conversation or stated that it didn't matter to him. But it's probably too late to retract. Best advice I can give is to learn from this and give people a chance next time.

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 21:49

And again to birds but surely we’re only taking about a few inches difference here?

OP posts:

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 21:55

To reiterate, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for people to dismiss potential partners because of the way they look - physical attraction is important. With this situation, it was more the request for a picture so that he could decide and get back to me. It felt humiliating and I wouldn’t do that to someone else personally. If they didn’t have a picture if their body I’d meet up with them and see if overall I was attracted to them. And if they told me their waist size I’d have a pretty good idea of their approximate build I think, even though people carry weight differently.

OP posts:

Justaboy · 12/10/2017 22:07

Question of the hour is do you fancy him?!.

CardsforKittens · 12/10/2017 22:09

Yes, if the implication was that he wanted to see a picture in order to decide whether your shape/size was acceptable to him, then YWNBU to block him.

You could add a full length picture to your profile, but it won't necessarily stop people being weird about your appearance (bitter experience talking).

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 22:10

I found him averagely attractive to look at, and wouldn’t have been able to say whether I fancied him or not unless I’d met him. It’s really about the whole package for me - personality, mannerisms, smell even! Definitely can’t judge it from a picture

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House4 · 12/10/2017 22:14

I think you did the right thing! You saved yourself from a potential upsetting situation - the way he asked you for a picture after you told him your size was off and seems very judgy. Saved yourself a lot of future trouble there I think. You can have a lot of fun on dating websites but you must protect your self esteem in these situations.

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 22:17

I suppose it doesn’t sound like it would make for a very romantic story: “we met after chatting online and then after he’d deemed the picture specifically of my body to be acceptable we fell in love”

OP posts:

Joinourclub · 12/10/2017 22:19

You made a comment about your body. He asked to see your body. There wasn't necessarily any judgement there, he just wanted to see your body. He'd said that your profile picture was nice, maybe he was just looking for another opportunity to compliment you?

Personally I find it weird that you felt the need to tell him you were a size 16. The fact that there wasn't a full body picture there is probably a big clue that you aren't a size 6 with double dds , but size 16 is just a normal size and surely wouldn't be a disappointing surprise on a date?

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 22:22

Joinourclub yeah that’s kind of what made me wonder afterwards - that possibly he wanted to see it so that he could say it was lovely. But then surely if he genuinely didn’t mind/likes that kind of figure he wouldn’t have needed to see it before meeting? If that makes sense?

And re telling him in advance, I can assure you that from bitter experience I know that it is a big deal to some men, and they won’t hide their disappointment, and it does hurt, even if you’re confident and know that some men like it.

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Nandoshoes · 12/10/2017 22:26

I think you did the right thing.

If I'm honest I know so many boys who say oh she was fat in RL. It's pathetic.

And when people say oh some people carry size 16 differently I think that's worse! Not only are they judging you for being a size 16 your either carrying it well or not. Bloody hell cruel world.

RemainOptimistic · 12/10/2017 22:27

Why mention your dress size? That's pretty weird, sounds like you've got hangups. Why not just meet up and take it from there?

If you're not comfortable with your current profile pic just take a new one. Easy.

SleepFreeZone · 12/10/2017 22:27

My OH wouldn't have the faintest clue what dress size I am. If I told him to describe a size 16 he'd be blank. He too would have asked for a photo so I go think you've been harsh to raise your size as though it's a problem then dump him for asking to see a body shot.

Offthepaul · 12/10/2017 22:32

I think you were hasty to block him. You brought up your dress size and it's entirely possible that a man might not know what kind of size 16 is and may have assumed it to be larger given that you mentioned it.

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Lotsalotsagiggles · 12/10/2017 22:43

The comment from him saying...looks aren't that important to me would offend me personally

Flarrot · 12/10/2017 22:50

Lotsalotsagiggles I know right? Like, it’s fine if you’re unattractive, I don’t mind!

OP posts:

2themax · 12/10/2017 22:50

Being a man... I wasn't sure what size 16 looks like.. I just Googled 'size 16 woman images' and now I know

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