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Am I wrong to trust/not trust DH?

(69 Posts)
HouseStarkfortheWin Thu 12-Oct-17 21:27:34

A little long but please stick with me.

I've been married to DH for a little over 2 years. When we were just going out, he never did anything major to make me distrust him per se. A little after we got engaged, for some stupid reason he felt that he no longer could have the same relationship with some of his female friends.

He used to make plans with these female friends and not tell me. Of course I always found out, as he's a crap liar. So the distrust started. What was the need to lie about simply going to the cinema or for a meal with female friends?

His ex girlfriend was invited to his best mates wedding. I wasn't invited. He didn't tell me his exGF would be there. Wouldn't have cared either way as I've never met her and she doesn't bother me. I found out after seeing all these group pictures where they'd all posed happily together. The issue I raised with him was not that she was present but the fact that he had left this information out. He said he thought I would have an issue with it so purposefully didn't tell me.
A few things like his kept happening but I felt like I just had to get over it.

I once saw a message on his phone from a female friend who was waiting around the corner from our house waiting for me to leave so she could come over! When I questioned him about it, he didn't tell me she was coming over as he thought I would have an issue with it and then it made sense as to why he had been trying to usher me out of the house the day before!

Yesterday was DH's birthday and we were out for tea. On the way there in the car his phone rang and it came up on the screen thing in the middle. It was an ex female colleague of DHs. He didn't answer and declined the call. My reason for being upset with him was, why didn't he just simply answer the call? Why decline it and act like he didn't know why she was calling? I'm assuming she was just calling him to wish him a happy birthday and obviously no issue with that. It just annoyed me he declined the call. He said he wrongly assumed I would have a problem with it. Even though we've had the same argument time and time again and I've made it clear him having female friends doesn't bother me.

A few months before this he was having his leaving meal with work he was going straight after his last work shift. Just in casual conversation I asked if he would be driving there by himself or if he would have company for the drive. He said no he's the only one working that particular shift so meeting everyone there. Imagine my surprise when that night his phone buzzes with a message from same female colleague as above with the words 'Thanks for today's lift to the restaurant!'.
He thought I would have an issue with the fact that a girl was in his car so lied to me and obviously his lie got caught out once again.

Now my issue is, I have never ever had any issue with DH having female friends and spending time with them. I myself have male friends who I meet up with, with and without DH.

I don't understand why he lies to me. I feel like I can no longer trust him as I never know when he will be telling the truth about the little things. He constantly tells little white lies which are just so transparent and he always gets caught out.

Am I wrong to trust him? Will I ever be able to fully trust him?

coldcuptea Thu 12-Oct-17 21:56:21

All red flags , sorry
He doesn't sound like he should be trusted.
Either he comes clean and changes his ways or get rid .

HouseStarkfortheWin Thu 12-Oct-17 22:20:55

It does make me really sad to think about ending my marriage because of this. I just wish he didn't lie to me. He doesn't do it all the time that I am aware of. Or maybe he does actually and it's obviously only the times he's been caught out that I am aware of.

Calvinlookingforhobbs Thu 12-Oct-17 22:34:28

Red flags. Do not have children with this man.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer Thu 12-Oct-17 22:47:05

Something is dodgy here sorry. And why were you not invited to his best friends wedding?! That's bloody rude.

mogulfield Thu 12-Oct-17 22:50:20

It’s weird he’s blaming his lying on sparing your feelings when you don’t mind anyway, definitely dodgey. Sorry Op. I can’t think of a reason why else he’d be like that.

HouseStarkfortheWin Thu 12-Oct-17 22:50:38

Re best friends wedding - both DH and j we're both quite shock that I wasn't invited at first but then we found out that the groom hadn't invited anyone's significant others.

I just can't imagine ending my marriage over this, this has all been over a 2 year ish period. I've been constantly thinking about it, ending a marriage is such a huge step. But I just don't know if he's ever going to stop 'assuming' I'll be pissed off or annoyed about something. He says it's because he's scared of my reaction. A shock when I like to think I'm quite laid back!

LindyHemming Fri 13-Oct-17 05:40:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lagerthaisfabulous Fri 13-Oct-17 05:51:44

If you have genuinely never had a problem with his female friends then he needs to be honest about why he is hiding so much.

PoppyFleur Fri 13-Oct-17 06:02:50

I would be concerned about his outlook regarding women because his behaviour is just odd.

What on earth has he told his female friends about you that made one of them conclude that they had to hide around the corner from your home until you left?

What does he say when you have addressed these issues with him?

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 13-Oct-17 06:13:34

Op

I know you say it's a big step ending your marriage
But to be honest I feel you were foolish marrying him in the first place, you had all this going
On before the wedding, it seems nothings changed and now your chained to a cheater if not a liar

FritzDonovan Fri 13-Oct-17 06:16:09

I have no idea why he does this, but mine does the same, then says it's because he knew how I'd react. I don't know how many times I've said my reaction is much worse when I find out he lied, even if I would have been annoyed with the initial circumstances. I think he's so pathetically conflict averse and doesn't want to be seen in a bad light in any way that he has made it into a much bigger problem than it ever would have been otherwise. If your oh won't listen to you either and make the changes he needs to I don't see how it can be resolved. flowers

bastardkitty Fri 13-Oct-17 06:20:20

It has nothing at all to do with you OP. He's just trying to blame you for the fact that he is a natural born liar. He will not change. You will have a miserable life with him if you stay. Lying is built in to the fabric of his life. How could you possibly trust him?

daisychain01 Fri 13-Oct-17 06:23:36

Sweep all these things under the carpet now, and 5, 10, 20 years down the line you’ll look back and wish you hadn’t wasted the best years of your life on someone who lies.

You do realise lying by omission (concealing, failing to be honest, not being upfront about relationships with other people platonic or otherwise) is a thing, right?

I know it’s a MN thing to be tolerant of their OH going out with female friends for dinner, days out, cinema, but I find it seriously weird

“Where’s your DH this evening, daisy?”

“”Oh, he’s out for a meal and the new Bladerunner film with Sophie”.

Ummm, no, just No!

MudCity Fri 13-Oct-17 06:25:26

Very odd behaviour...it sounds to me like he doesn't want to tell you because he doesn't want to involve you in his friendships. That doesn't feel right. I'm not saying you should always have to socialise together but he could at least introduce you to his friends and involve you in his life.

I think you might need to be clear with him that the lies stop now and perhaps suggest that you start being introduced his friends and vice versa. If he doesn't respond to that, then I would be worried.

Good luck OP.

JWrecks Fri 13-Oct-17 06:43:30

Oh sad

I wouldn't trust a word this man says. He's a massive liar and he's even fairly open about it, telling you he'd rather lie to your face than run the risk of possibly, maybe, potentially having a hypothetical POSSIBLE conversation. And this appears to be a common occurrence.

Also, a woman slinking around outside waiting for you to leave so that she can come in?? That sounds like cheating to me, honestly.

lalalalyra Fri 13-Oct-17 06:51:16

He lied he's in female company, but manages to 'explain' it in such a way that instead of wondering why he's lying to you he puts you in the position of wondering why he feels he needs to lie to you.

He's diverting your attention from the actual issue - he is hiding every time he has any contact with females, why? Which one of them is he actually trying to hide from you?

chestylarue52 Fri 13-Oct-17 06:58:35

know it’s a MN thing to be tolerant of their OH going out with female friends for dinner, days out, cinema, but I find it seriously weird

“Where’s your DH this evening, daisy?”

“”Oh, he’s out for a meal and the new Bladerunner film with Sophie”.

Ummm, no, just No!

^^

It's not a mumsnet thing you know it's a real life thing too. There's two ways it can happen:

1. Dh is shady and says he's going out with 'the lads' and only later do you find out through Facebook that 'the lads' was going to be Martin and Martin couldn't come so it was just him and Sophie and why bother telling you you'd only be angry

2. Sophie is someone you know who came to your wedding who's boyfriend you've met who is pleasant and supportive of your relationship and you didn't fancy seeing bladerunner anyway and dh was upfront about it and you both have your own lives and social circles because you're individuals who want each other to have a full and happy life.

HouseStarkfortheWin Fri 13-Oct-17 07:42:03

These occurrences are few and far between, I'd say a few times a year, so its not as if he's doing his every other weekend.

In my heart I honestly don't think he's cheating, it's just like @FritzDonovan, he's just so scared of any kind of conflict for whatever reason, he just lies and I constantly have to be like I'm angry because you lied not because of the situation.

It just all came to a head in the car yesterday when he didn't answer the phone call, I just got so annoyed at him and he was like it's because we've argued about her before. We've never argued about her, we've argued that he lied about her being in his car but again the argument was about his lies and not her but I don't think DH sees that.

I honestly dont know if I could be strong enough to end it but at the same time I don't want this to be a way of life for us a

Miserylovescompany2 Fri 13-Oct-17 07:43:48

The deeper you delve the more you'll uncover - what you are experiencing now will merely be the tip of a very large iceberg!

He's a pathological liar - HUGE red flag

Get out now before he ensnares you in his web of deceit...

Miserylovescompany2 Fri 13-Oct-17 07:45:34

These are the only lies you caught him out on thus far - there'll be more...

timeisnotaline Fri 13-Oct-17 07:46:38

I would get very angry every time. Re the call, I'd say if you can't talk to her in front of me let's block her because you will lie about her and I have told you I am tired of your lies. Actually I would send him for counselling, because this would drive me batshit. Every time he said something I'd be replying - really? Or are you going with a woman and lying to your wife about it? And I couldn't live like that.

ConciseandNice Fri 13-Oct-17 07:47:24

Two years is not a long marriage. It's a drop in the ocean really. Will he change? You've reassured him plenty. All this is a red flag to be honest, speaking as someone who has been there (on both sides). If you can carry on in a marriage of distrust do, but you owe yourself more than that. He's up to no good in my view and that's very sad. Remember better ending a two year marriage than a twenty year one!

WhatIsGoingOnNow Fri 13-Oct-17 07:48:28

Put up a few cameras in your house when you're out

HouseStarkfortheWin Fri 13-Oct-17 07:54:48

When he gets caught out his response always is 'thought you'd have an issue with it, thought could avoid the awkward conversation, didn't want to hurt you because of a situation I couldn't get out of' and he's very apologetic, tears everything. He understands in the moment how much he has pissed me off, but when something happens again his first instinct is to panic/lie. And now i can feel myself becoming detached and resentful, I've been unintentionally cold with him since the phone call thing and he knows it but I just don't want to forgive him.

At the same time admitting to my parents what has happened and actually ending it, I'm honestly not sure I'm strong enough. The emotional side, the practical side, I wouldn't even know where to begin sad

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