I can't think where to put this - it's entirely about me (yay, selfish or what!!). And really first world stuff in the scheme of things...
But hey ho let me say my piece because I honestly don't know really where I am. I feel very adrift at the moment and I'm not sure why - or how to move out of this fug that I'm in. So this should probably be, AIBU for posting this in AIBU?!
Anyway. I'm about to be 51. I split from boyfriend 6 years ago when I was 45. Massive, huge love on both sides but mental health and drug addiction problems for him which had massive impact. Been solo since then, not got a lot of interest, if any, in dating (although at the same time, I don't really genuinely want to be alone - on the whole I'm happy with being on me tod, independent, can do what I want when I want - but if the ideal person came along, I would be happy. Not least I think what right have I to deny these children a 'father' figure that actually gave them something that they both need that they don't get from their pathetic sperm donor).
However, it's me, that's going downhill. I'm putting on weight hand over fist (2.5 stone in 3 months). I can't seem to find my mojo or maybe where I fit in with life at the moment, and I have NO motivation at all. I can't think why I would want to be losing weight - what for?!? What's the point? I feel the odds of meeting someone are slim to none.
So being overweight (most people wouldn't notice, but 80% of my viable wardrobe is no longer able to be zipped up) I also have other menopause probably related issues such as really bad skin and in combination this makes me want to not go out at all. And I am also SO skint, permanently, that I can't even support a dating lifestyle.
My home is totally getting on top of me. Last Xmas the week before XH announced he wouldn't be paying maintenance for 4 months and on top of that I had 3 days before Xmas to replace my boiler - that saw the loss of a total of £4,200 and all of my savings. I've never really recovered from that financially. I've just, again, cancelled my pension in order to be able to afford Xmas and with a bit of luck a bit left over to do at least some of the electrical, recarpeting, reflooring and decorating work that's needed (which I had previously had money set aside for). The house is just overwhelming me to be honest incl. the usual tidying and cleaning and my back's pretty knackered at the moment as well which isn't helping.
I've just gone onto HRT patches (just 3 weeks ago) because I've got horrific brain fog, memory issues, exhaustion, constantly bumping into things, never ending urge to eat constantly etc etc (!).
At work I've had someone who without a doubt is NPD and agitated about me calling me incompetent (which I most certainly am NOT thank you very much) - thankfully I was wholeheartedly supported by the senior directors), this was followed not 8 weeks later by an accusation towards me of 'ism at work (obvs can't say any more in any detail but the most worrying time I've ever had in my life since when the 'accuser' has not withdrawn their accusations, but decided 'not to take them further' (essentially because I blew their incomplete and skewed account out of the water and HR weren't minded to support that person to take it further).
I don't know how to end this post really! I'm not feeling depressed but I just can't seem to figure out how to move forward.....
What are your thoughts? Advice, suggestions?
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Don't know why I am where I am
21 replies
keeponworking · 12/10/2017 17:56
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