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Don't know why I am where I am

(22 Posts)
keeponworking Thu 12-Oct-17 17:56:39

I can't think where to put this - it's entirely about me (yay, selfish or what!!). And really first world stuff in the scheme of things...

But hey ho let me say my piece because I honestly don't know really where I am. I feel very adrift at the moment and I'm not sure why - or how to move out of this fug that I'm in. So this should probably be, AIBU for posting this in AIBU?!

Anyway. I'm about to be 51. I split from boyfriend 6 years ago when I was 45. Massive, huge love on both sides but mental health and drug addiction problems for him which had massive impact. Been solo since then, not got a lot of interest, if any, in dating (although at the same time, I don't really genuinely want to be alone - on the whole I'm happy with being on me tod, independent, can do what I want when I want - but if the ideal person came along, I would be happy. Not least I think what right have I to deny these children a 'father' figure that actually gave them something that they both need that they don't get from their pathetic sperm donor).

However, it's me, that's going downhill. I'm putting on weight hand over fist (2.5 stone in 3 months). I can't seem to find my mojo or maybe where I fit in with life at the moment, and I have NO motivation at all. I can't think why I would want to be losing weight - what for?!? What's the point? I feel the odds of meeting someone are slim to none.

So being overweight (most people wouldn't notice, but 80% of my viable wardrobe is no longer able to be zipped up) I also have other menopause probably related issues such as really bad skin and in combination this makes me want to not go out at all. And I am also SO skint, permanently, that I can't even support a dating lifestyle.

My home is totally getting on top of me. Last Xmas the week before XH announced he wouldn't be paying maintenance for 4 months and on top of that I had 3 days before Xmas to replace my boiler - that saw the loss of a total of £4,200 and all of my savings. I've never really recovered from that financially. I've just, again, cancelled my pension in order to be able to afford Xmas and with a bit of luck a bit left over to do at least some of the electrical, recarpeting, reflooring and decorating work that's needed (which I had previously had money set aside for). The house is just overwhelming me to be honest incl. the usual tidying and cleaning and my back's pretty knackered at the moment as well which isn't helping.

I've just gone onto HRT patches (just 3 weeks ago) because I've got horrific brain fog, memory issues, exhaustion, constantly bumping into things, never ending urge to eat constantly etc etc (!).

At work I've had someone who without a doubt is NPD and agitated about me calling me incompetent (which I most certainly am NOT thank you very much) - thankfully I was wholeheartedly supported by the senior directors), this was followed not 8 weeks later by an accusation towards me of 'ism at work (obvs can't say any more in any detail but the most worrying time I've ever had in my life since when the 'accuser' has not withdrawn their accusations, but decided 'not to take them further' (essentially because I blew their incomplete and skewed account out of the water and HR weren't minded to support that person to take it further).

I don't know how to end this post really! I'm not feeling depressed but I just can't seem to figure out how to move forward.....

What are your thoughts? Advice, suggestions?

keeponworking Thu 12-Oct-17 18:02:13

of the *matter, not the water, jeez!

ciele Thu 12-Oct-17 18:09:31

One thing at a time. Set small goals.

keeponworking Thu 12-Oct-17 18:16:42

Yeah, I've been trying that but I'm going through treacle - I can make no headway in any direction...

Fixmylife Thu 12-Oct-17 18:31:22

I would get checked by GP, don't assume it is menopause - could be a thyroid proble or lots of other things! Going through treacle sounds exactly like an underactive thyroid though!

keeponworking Thu 12-Oct-17 18:35:34

The GP has done all the tests so there's no assumption - thyroid the lot - and has agreed it's wise to treat as menopause so I'm clear I'm on the right path there. Thyroid was normal...

Fixmylife Thu 12-Oct-17 19:51:16

Hopefully HRT will help then, though it can be useful to find out test results as TSH is given as a range which can be 'normal' but not right for you!

How old are DC? It sounds as if you need something to look forward to, anything you could plan to do (that doesn't cost a lot!)?

Bananmanfan Thu 12-Oct-17 19:54:03

Sorry you're having a bit a of crap ride. How old are your DCs? Will any costs reduce in the near future (childcare?). Could you move to a cheaper house & replenish some savings? Are you entitled to any universal credit? Are your DCs of an age to be bribed in to doing some jobs in the house (with free stuff like tv/gaming time)?

keeponworking Thu 12-Oct-17 20:44:11

Hi last two PPs.

I hope HRT will help - I'm generally very lacklustre.

Anything I 'look forward to' comes as a double edged sword because it invariably costs money - my 'kids' are 15 and just turned 18 so a walk in the woods and an ice cream with all the best will in the world that doesn't tick any boxes.

Now I tried the moving to a cheaper house. the ONLY 3 bed with a standard layout really close to school - tried to buy it twice but they decided it was substandard construction (it's not, it's entirely normal for its age) and plus with my age and not having a permanent job, I could't buy it (and shave £10k off my mortgage).

I tell u, if I've tried it, if I've weathered it, maybe I've just come to the end of staying upbeat about trying and failing, and constantly weathering a storm that I can't get out of no matter HOW hard I try.

I have had them help me and last weekend we were going to have a massive blitz all three of us but he had a massive severe migraine so I ended up dismantling beds, moving mattresses, manhandling stuff at the tip - and my back was in agony and wrecked for about 4 days.

When I next go in to the GP I'll ask what the thyroid level was. I think they only tested for one thing and I believe there may be two readings they should look for - does anyone know what those other ones are??

keeponworking Thu 12-Oct-17 20:47:07

Bananman I've been having a crap ride for the last 8 years or so tbh what with absolute cunt XH, 5 yrs with a DP who had PTSD and class A drug addiction, massive problems with XH who since having a child has totally fucked my DD off out of his life (at the behest of his wife i fully suspect) and DD going through horrific bullying and being ostracised by her whole friendship group and her then BFF. She's left with lifelong anxiety thanks to all of this which of course, also has its impact on me.

keeponworking Thu 12-Oct-17 20:48:53

I earn just enough 'too much' to be entitled to absolutely nothing and as we know, no one makes up for missed child support payments when they don't have job (even though being made redundant could have totally been avoided with some sensible advance planning).

DonkeyOaty Thu 12-Oct-17 20:51:52

Sweetheart it is not selfish to be thinking of getting yourself back to top condition.

I can't help wrt thyroid numbers sorry.

Massive blitzing l, as you found out, is horrid. Half an hour bursts, all three of you, then stop and have a break.

WellThisIsShit Thu 12-Oct-17 20:58:07

I think you've got the answer there, with your last post.

Don't underestimate how much grinding daily struggle takes it out of you. There's a popular misconception that people bounce back just like that (snaps fingers!), and given a couple of weeks good sleep and a bit of salad, we're good as new.

But actually, going through unrelenting daily stress and strain, for too long, and it really impacts hard.

If you can, give yourself some time to just 'be', and don't be lagging yourself too hard, and expecting yourself to function highly. It all catches up with us eventually, and you can feel the effects more after the stressor has gone/ reduced, than whilst you were going through it. It's a natural reaction, but we have superhuman expectations of ourselves nowadays, so ignore what our bodies and mind need, and just how much recovery time we need.

I'd maybe give up on pushing to achieve anything major for a few months, and concentrate on letting yourself just 'be', and being very nice to yourself for just getting through the day. Can you focus on doing something nice for your regularly? Sort of treating yourself like you're a dead close friend who's been very poorly... proper recuperation and r&r (as much as poss).

You may find life starting moving forwards again by itself, if you find ways to love and care for yourself in the mean time. And I mean properly care (!), like stopping giving yourself a hard time and slapping yourself on the wrist when that nasty critique starts playing on your head.

Sorry if I sound woo, not really a woo person, but have insight into how much daily life erodes our everything when it's proper tough and enduring...


DonkeyOaty Thu 12-Oct-17 20:59:47

Well that is such a great post.

WellThisIsShit Thu 12-Oct-17 21:02:20

Thanks Donkey smile hoping it's helpful for the OP who sounds like a real trooper who's just had to cope and get on with it one too many times (or two, or three)


zeebeedee Fri 13-Oct-17 07:08:47

not much to add to others wise words, except, your kids are old enough that you don't have to 'do' christmas - I get that what they want gets more expensive, but they are old enough to be told that money is tight, and just have one thing each etc. Putting yourself under extra financial pressure for something un neccessary won't help the long term situation.

I know it's shit, and everyone wants something nice to look forward to, but don't add to your burden x

ciele Fri 13-Oct-17 07:16:28

Wise words from one WELL. I find making enough sleep my most important goal. Then everything else seems more manageable.
And I agree about putting yourself under pressure. It's not worth it.
My goal is just to be happy/content.

ofudginghell Fri 13-Oct-17 07:42:42

Just wanted to say be kind to yourself op flowers

One thing at a time. The weight thing is possibly a mixture of menopause and maybe thyroid. I know you said they’d checked but only one level gets initially checked,not all 4. I’ve had thyroid issues for five years so even if your within the range they set doesn’t mean it’s right for you.

You need to really like yourself first op and then you will be positive enough to put the things you want into action and by the sound of it you have taken a bit of a mental batteringg so don’t be down on yourself.

Look online and find a really good self help book to read. Once you start feeling better about yourself it may help you to take little steps

keeponworking Fri 13-Oct-17 10:16:30

Thanks all. The problem if you like is that I have recognised that I've kinda reached a 'shit life throws at you' limit and I've already started the taking it easier thing - the result of which is a house that's absolutely a total shit tip!!

I have this week done one of the jobs I've intended to do for a while which is I've put three items on ebay and they should all be sold and gone by the end of this weekend. I've just done about an hour's sorting - this is just in order that the poor man going up two flights of stairs to collect the treadmill he's brought, can get it down without breaking his neck!!

I agree it's just an accumulation of crap event after crap event. I work very hard to keep myself in an up mood and seek happy feelings wherever I can even something as simple as chatting with a random stranger on the way to work or singing at the top of my voice to tunes in the car - I make a positive state of mind whenever possible.

I do push myself VERY hard against a backdrop of having absolutely NO help at all - from family, I've got no friends so no friends to help, or from anyone. XH is a total bellend. I love my work and I think I've done well - after divorcing 'D'H within a year I was in a full time role on just under £30k a year after being a SAHM for 8 years. Since then I've gone into a specific form of management and have increased my income again and really love the job I do.

I think I'm very aware that if this ship goes down, we're all fucked. So I try and balance between pushing myself hard (and I do mean HARD) with knowing when to stop (which I am actually very good at - for instance, if someone said to me oh you should be on the board of governors they'd get an immediate 'No' because I know I just wouldn't want to do it, so I wouldn't).

I think I'll try and keep chipping away at some of the 'sorting out' tasks that need doing in the house and just trying to save up for the work that needs doing re electricals, flooring etc etc - that is going to take a long time and in between that is a 16 yo's birthday and flippin' Prom (rrrrr, damn Americanisation!!).

And I think I've got to take time with the HRT and see if that helps or not. I did used to get the urge - the urge would come upon me to go out into the garden and I'd weed and dig and sort for hours - TOTALLY happy; and I'd get the urge to go around the house and sort and tidy and so on. But that urge has been missing, totally absent, for a long long long time. Which is why when the urge to tidy and at least clear a path from front door to treadmill came upon me I thought, stuff work (I'm WFH today) I'm doing this now because that urge don't last long and the time it lasts for once I answer it, is also a lot shorter than it used to be (much hindered by the idiotic back issue). I did about 45 minutes today and then I thought that's it, I've had enough now. I wasn't quite finished but I'd had enough, so I stopped and thought let me reply to these lovely ladies.

Maybe your replies were what spurred me on this morning (either that or the potential for incredible shame panic for when the man comes to get his treadmill - one or the other!!).

bluejelly Fri 13-Oct-17 14:51:14

flowers to you. You sounded like you’re doing a great job in tough circumstances.
Two thoughts:
1) do you do Pilates/stretching/yoga? Great to gently strengthen muscles before starting a more intensive exercise regime. Not to lose weight but just to feel good about yourself.
2) have you tried Headspace? I was deeply sceptical of mindfulness but it’s bloody brilliant. There’s a great set called ‘kindness’ which is all about being kind to yourself.
Best of luck to you and keep posting

ciele Fri 13-Oct-17 15:59:02

You sound such a great lady-I always say to myself-keep buggering on!
If it worked for Churchill it will work for us.

keeponworking Fri 13-Oct-17 19:41:56

Too right ciele! I have had several false starts recently, with exercise, with doing things to the house. I think letting the HRT patches do their thing for another four weeks will be the first thing to do, with little bits of tidying along the way.

I'm shelving all return to exercise plans for the moment, that can come later.

I actually used to teach something which involved guided relaxation so I know all about it (just don't do much of it). I don't drive to work any more and that's when I used to listen to relaxation tapes and so on which I really enjoyed. I think I'll find my headphones and use the trip to work on the train as my time to relax. In the evenings I prefer a bit of internetting and watching telly.

Thanks for saying I sound ok - lost belief in that what with the two issues at work, one mental case and one making false accusations, and I suppose having no friends. All the ones I've made in the last couple of years have all ended up being flakey and we've drifted apart. I speak to my brother about this and how we both try to establish links with people and how it gets us nowhere no matter how many feelers we put out, everyone seems set in their groups and there's no way in for anyone else! Real shame but what can you do.

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