I know I am but I feel a bit bitter still!

[thiscallsforatoast]

So my birthday present from a family member was a mini break with my family to a UK destination.
On the way there it was pissing down. The whole time we were there it was pissing down. The cottage was surrounded by fields and we struggled to get out with the baby every day. It was nice being away but it was the same shit in a different place. I was really disappointed with the weather and all in all, I just wanted to come home.
A week later that family member went to the same destination and had fantastic weather. They are fortunate enough to have three or four holidays a year in the sun, this was our first break away together in over 2 years.
I know it's obviously not they fault, it's no ones fault, but I just feel a bit bitter that things never go right for me :(
How can I just move on?

[MissionItsPossible]

I'm sorry. I would feel shit in that situation too. You are being completely rational in saying it's nobodies fault, it's just the weather and it can't be guaranteed, as for why can't things ever go right for you is this a the straw that broke the camels back situation? What else has gone wrong?

[thiscallsforatoast]

I suffered with PND following my baby's premature birth and all the worry that came with that. I was in a really bad place and as silly as it sounds, that holiday, in my head, was meant to be the turning point. I built it up so much in my head the disappointment was monumental. I honestly just wanted to cry the whole time. My baby is doing so well now and things have turned around but I'm just so bitter about the beginning and wary about trying to plan something like that again.
I know I'm being stupid, I'm just stuck in a hole and I can't climb out

[UserThenLotsOfNumbers]

You’re not being stupid or unreasonable. That is the depression talking.
You did however place a lot of expectation on the break, not unreasonably in the circumstances, and so when things didn’t go to plan you were very upset. It’s understandable.
The weather in the UK is variable and holidays with babies aren’t terribly relaxing, but that doesn’t mean the world isn’t against you.
It’ll get better honestly it will.

[thiscallsforatoast]

Yeah true. I know I'm being silly to hold on to this disappointment but whenever I think about it it brings tears to my eyes. The whole being a parent thing was such a surprise for us and I don't think I was emotionally ready when he came and I feel like I've been playing catch up ever since.
I just keep thinking he deserves so much better than me.

I haven't actually said any of this outloud before

[MissionItsPossible]

You need to talk to a doctor I think. I hope that doesn't sound patronising but I think what you're telling us here in writing you need to express to your GP verbally.

[corythatwas]

It's the PND and the whole sense of being overwhelmed with a new baby that makes everything seem like it says something horrible about your life. Under different circumstances, in a different state of health, this might have been a hugely funny experience, something you looked back fondly with memories of shared laughter and gallows humour and bonding over something horrible. But you simply cannot do that with depression: it's like trying to dance with a broken leg.

Things may feel a little bit better with a different narrative, though. Not because the "broken leg" will magically heal, but at least it might help to stop beating yourself up about your dancing ability. How about instead of "we were to have a magical holiday and we didn't, but somebody else did, so that means we are failures" trying to tell yourself "this has been a tough start to parenting, but we are fighting on, we are not giving up, look how far we have come from that time"? It's the same story, just a different angle.

That is what your baby deserves: a mother who looking back has to admit (as you did) that you have come a long way, a mother who is prepared to consider ways of fighting still harder (by seeing a doctor or doing whatever it takes)- in short, a mother exactly like you.

My dd is now a young adult. In many ways, she has had a shit life: she has a chronic pain disorder, she suffers from some MH problems, she has suffered suspicion and investigation from school authorities and Social Services, she has even tried to take her own life: on so many levels we have not been able to give her or her brother the golden carefree childhood they had deserved. But we have hung in there. And they have had a better life than they would have if we hadn't. Sometimes that is the best you can do. And their life has not been totally full of misery: we have had good laughs, we have good memories, and (I hope) they have a feeling that whatever happens we will be there for them.

[UserThenLotsOfNumbers]

OP I do think it would help you to talk to someone, if not a trusted friend then maybe a counsellor? Have you visited your GP or spoken to your health visitor about how you feel? Opening up here is a good start. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. Your son has a mum who loves him and wants the best for him - you are exactly what he needs and deserves.