AIBU to tell DS to slow down? To want my old DS back?

[forevermisunderstood]

I've name changed to remain understood.

My DS, who's 14, has recently started a new school. He is a very popular person in his prior and his new school, and has already started to go out a lot. He is an incredibly kind and helpful person to anyone, but I'm beginning to notice the teenage angst.

He is now extremely uptight about his phone and doesn't agree to me using it. I am quite a firm parent and made sure I checked up on it, to find a girl on his home screen. Of course I was surprised, so I questioned it and he revealed that she was his girlfriend. We don't often talk about relationships so I was happy he came forward with it.

This past Monday his charger broke so he had to leave his phone in my room overnight. I woke up early on Tuesday due to the barrage of texts he received from a different girl, who complained that he was a 'fuckboy'. He received similar messages before but he said they were just jokes.

As an obviously sleep-deprived parent I sat him down and told him to explain fully. He started from the begin. There is a website/app called Sarahah that a lot of his peers are using to reveal secrets anonymously. He says that he has received a lot of love and comments saying he's the best looking in the year, kindest etc. At school familiar compliments continued and he started to talk to different girls. This is where the term 'fuckboy' comes into play. He has been called such for moving from one girl to another in such a short time - he's had 8 different girlfriends in just under a month and a half! Most girls have 'fallen' for him and he is now a 'player' ffs!

Maybe it's just me who doesn't understand school but I've never known a boy at school to have so many in love with him and have so many girlfriends. DH says it is an extremely unhealthy attitude that will disrupt his future which I completely agree about (but he definitely got his looks from his father). Towards the end he rambles on about how he's like a celeb and how people often wait outside his class - so bizarre!

Today I had been infuriated when it came to my attention that the party the DS attended on Friday had not only drinks but some young people taking it further with each other. DS insists that he did not have sex but said he did lie with multiple girls and kiss some of them. Despite this, a friends mum sent me an image of DS and her daughter extremely close with DS shirtless and jeans undone. This news made me extremely disappointed because this is the same DS that although he was veryyy popular in his last school, volunteered at charities and came home straight from his last school to do housework and/or begin cooking.

Our family does not drink, and I don't think DS drank anything on Saturday, but this isn't right to me. I'm happy that he has confidence at a new school and he is experimenting with light love, but I just want my DS back. I've explained this to him and taken his phone away for the half term for lying (concerning the photo) but he remains adamant that he isn't doing anything wrong. In his words - 'It's not my fault all the girls like me!'.

AIBU to want my old DS back?

[Alittlepotofrosie]

Bit worrying that you let your 14 year old go to parties where you haven't got a clue what he's up to.

Hope he doesnt get anyone pregnant.

[forevermisunderstood]

I really do try to check up on him (usually a phone call every hour) but it all seemed alright! Plus on Friday I was extremely busy with work and thought I'd be a bit laid back as he was still making friends.

[forevermisunderstood]

Plus I think he knows that if he gets any girl pregnant any time soon then the world will come to an end.

[Holland00]

How can a parent possibly know what their teen is doing at a party?.

[pieceofpurplesky]

New kids tend to get attention when they start a new school. He needs to be careful as this attention could turn really bad if he is messing with lots of girls. Has he made any male friends!
Also he is probably sexually active - his shirt and trousers were undone - they didn’t just fall open

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

It is worrying. It sounds like he is the novelty in school because he is new and he is letting it all go to his head. I assume you talk with him about responsible sex, consent, peer pressure, drugs/drinking etc? What are his response when you talk about these things?

[Uptheduffy]

Well you know now it’s now alright so I hope you will both speak to the school about your concerns and ground him/encourage time at home for a bit. He must be exhausted so probably needs it! This much interest is a pressure for him too and it doesn’t sound like he’s handling it too well - he is too young to be expected to. You are not as close as you thought if he’s managed 8 girlfriends you’ve not known about. Take back some control while he’s still young enough for you to do it.

[Alittlepotofrosie]

Does he know that? Because it doesnt seem like he cares very much and enjoys the power trip from leading on multiple girls. Not exactly respectful of these girls as individuals or at all emotionally intelligent enough to be coherent of the dangers he's putting both himself and all of these many girls in. Messing about with multiple girls on the same night? Awful.

If he was my son he wouldn't be going to any more parties.

[forevermisunderstood]

He is completely sure that he has never drunk, smoked or had sex, and that the photo was set up like it was on purpose and taken for snapchat, with nothing happening afterwards.

He seems to have quite a lot of male friends, who are supportive of this 'fuckboy' attitude.

[forevermisunderstood]

We had a conversation earlier today in regards to respect towards these girls, and he feels as though they don't see a problem. DH and I are working to get this mentality out of him because he is a genuinely great person with a proper heart. I think it may be an act to make a big impression at a new school.

[Uptheduffy]

I’m glad you’ve removed his phone. When/if he gets it back, keep removing it at night that’s when daftness really starts.
Make sure he knows the law re sensing sexual images of underage children too.

[grumpysquash3]

Maybe it's just the way I'm reading the post, but you sound a little bit proud, up to a point.

[grumpysquash3]

Reading it again, what does 'lie with multiple girls' actually mean? A queue or an orgy?

[forevermisunderstood]

I am definitely NOT proud. I'm not sure if the way I've typed it has made me seem enthusiastic, but I'm practically smashing each key on my keyboard typing this. I am so disappointed in my son it's unbelievable - he's never seen me this upset.

[forevermisunderstood]

By lie I think it literally meant that he was just around with them. There's no way he would even attempt to join an orgy.

[forevermisunderstood]

By the way he will not be attending any parties for a veryyyy long time. Maybe the way I worded the text seemed as if I'll be lenient but I am taking this very seriously.

[Timetogetup0630]

Are you in the U.K ?

[parkednearby]

it's unbelievable You're not wrong there, OP.

[forevermisunderstood]

parked what is that supposed to mean?

[DancingLedge]

1/10

[forevermisunderstood]

I don't get the '1/10' dancing

[forevermisunderstood]

How do most of you bring up conversations about relationships to your teens?

[forevermisunderstood]

Is it better to be upfront or lead them towards it?

[DeadEnders]

[keepondreaming]

What outcome do you want? Or think should happen?

Not sure I’d want my 14 yr old boy (is that year 9?) know as a ‘fuckboy’. So, something needs to happen!