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AIBU if I hate that the new girlfriend gets a better version of my ex?

(85 Posts)
Soscaredaboutitall Wed 11-Oct-17 21:10:30

Just that really. My ex was lazy with no directions in life. He was a little overweight and rubbish in bed when we first got together. He now has a career ( because i supported him) smarten up his act, lost weight and seems to be living it up every weekend. I feel extremely bitter as the way he treated me was quite bad, wasted 10 years of my life and left me a single mum, financially worse off with no time to work out, socialise and date. I don’t want to be bitter but I can’t stand his smug face and the fact that his new girlfriend is benefiting from what seems like my wasted years with him. Aibu??

JoJoSM2 Wed 11-Oct-17 21:16:17

YABU. Move on.

pinkmagic1 Wed 11-Oct-17 21:19:15

I don't think she will benefit for long. I am assuming they are in the honeymoon period and his lazy ways will soon kick in once he gets comfortable.

bigchris Wed 11-Oct-17 21:20:08


It's natural to feel bitter, I would to !

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks Wed 11-Oct-17 21:20:39

I get where you're coming from but the problem is it will eat you up unless you can find a way of blocking it out or moving on. Galling though isn't it when we patiently help someone sort their shit out, putting up with all sorts along the way, then you split and the next GF reaps the rewards of all your efforts.

LondonNicki Wed 11-Oct-17 21:22:09

He'll revert to type after a while I reckon. People don't change.

Sodaface Wed 11-Oct-17 21:24:10

It’s typical of men in the honeymoon stage and for you to feel this way. It will pass in the meantime try and focus on yourself and work towards your goals however small.

rasmusklump Wed 11-Oct-17 21:26:55

YANBU. I can relate. It’s not easy but I just keep reminding myself dickheads rarely change, even if their appearance does.

DingDongDenny Wed 11-Oct-17 21:29:42

I remember a girl like you at University. She went out with someone, got him a better haircut, better clothes, improved his act socially and he transformed into this gorgeous guy who loads of people fancied

He then dumped her and went out with someone else and she was well pissed off.

The thing was could you ever be happy with someone who wasn't happy with the way you are and then morphed you into what they wanted - I don't think so.

Even if you stick to the new you, I don't see it ever working

Soscaredaboutitall Wed 11-Oct-17 21:35:50

Thanks for the replies, it makes me feel a little better that I’m not crazy for feeling this way.

Dingdong I get your point but if someone is willing to change themselves and actually asks to be made over (like my ex did) it’s not fair to blame the person helping for being dumped in the end. Surely if you don’t see anything that needs changing about yourself you wouldn’t change!

didnthappeninmyday Wed 11-Oct-17 21:35:59

My ex has had numerous girlfriends since we split 14 years ago, and they’re all so chuffed with him when they first get together, he always reverts to type eventually and then they get mad. His latest is currently posting loved up memes on fb, bless her hmm

shivermytimbers Wed 11-Oct-17 21:37:16

YANBU but I think you can move on from this. Like others have said, he'll revert to type sooner or later and you can learn a valuable lesson to not go out with 'fixer upper' blokes. From experience they are never worth it. Much better to find someone who is wonderful just as they are and much less like hard work for you!

dudsville Wed 11-Oct-17 21:39:00

If he had changed then that's a good thing. You have old stuff to work through. If he hasn't really changed then, what you prove your point? Either way I think you need to find a way to move on.

MammaTJ Wed 11-Oct-17 21:39:18

He will fall back into old habits without regular upkeep and input from some aware of his faults. Watch and wait, then be smug!!

needmymouthsewnup Wed 11-Oct-17 21:42:39

Well it depends. What was it about him that made you dump him in the first place? If it was because he was overweight and didn't have a good job, then that would make you a bit shallow. But if it was because he was a dick, then regardless of his new appearance and work ethic, he's probably still a dick. So I doubt she's got herself a better deal and yabu to feel aggrieved because he'll still be the same person underneath.

Soscaredaboutitall Wed 11-Oct-17 21:44:43

I didn’t dump him even after being mistreated, he dumped me. And that’s even more shameful and humiliating. Urgh I feel pathetic

mummmy2017 Wed 11-Oct-17 21:47:11

Without you to keep him on the diet and the clothing, he will become the old bloke, and he isn't getting younger, so will slow down, I bet you did the money as well, so he will go spending and have debts in a very short amount of time.

DingDongDenny Wed 11-Oct-17 21:49:11

I'm sure he was up for a change and was better for it and it sucks for you. But I think unless you meet someone and love them warts and all it is unlikely to work. It's my observation when people change for a partner - even when willingly - the relationship isn't healthy. Either they revert to type or move on in their new improved state

ShowMePotatoSalad Wed 11-Oct-17 22:00:33

What is it you want? For her to suffer like you've done? I understand you feel shit about this but why would you begrudge another woman a happy relationship?

Can't believe there are PPs telling you to bide your time then sit back and enjoy it when it all falls apart. I personally think that's disgusting.

Soscaredaboutitall Wed 11-Oct-17 22:05:13

I don’t want her to suffer, I don’t know her and don’t wish to know her. I would prefer that he isn’t in a relationship at all and isn’t using my misery to improve himself and his life because frankly that’s what he has done

user1471530109 Wed 11-Oct-17 22:06:53

Hang in there OP. V similar story except it's 17 years wasted and knobhead cheated.

He was on speaker phone with our DD and the way he spoke to OW in background was utterly shocking. This was over 2 years from the split. They are still together but he obviously hasn't changed.
Her problem. They both have up marriages and DC's for each other. I'll be honest, I'm elated he treats her as shit as he treated me.

Plus, now I'm free wine flowers

user1471530109 Wed 11-Oct-17 22:07:34

Lol. X posted.

I want her to suffer. Bitch was a 'friend'

RosiePosieRosie Wed 11-Oct-17 22:08:43

Look forward, not back... you’re Grand

RosiePosieRosie Wed 11-Oct-17 22:09:35

And...he know you’re better than him, that’s why he’s doing what he’s doing.

Voice0fReason Wed 11-Oct-17 22:12:35

Why can you only be happy if he is miserable?
I don't understand why lots of posters are telling you that his success won't last - what the hell do they know? It might last, who knows - plenty of people do turn things around.
Live your own life. What he does or doesn't do is not relevant to you. You need to find happiness that is independent of how he is doing.

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