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What do your children take to overnight contact with the non-resident parent?

(38 Posts)
Frequency Wed 11-Oct-17 16:21:19

And what do you expect to be there for them?

It's become increasingly obvious to me that my ex believes contact is some kind of super fun sleepover/playdate as a opposed to his share of parenting and that DD will arrive with everything she needs without him having to provide for her.

I warned him a few months ago that she's growing up now (she's eleven) and was starting to experiment with hair/make-up and will soon be needing certain things at his house (blow dryer, styling brushes, flat irons, body spray, tampons etc) as opposed to just using his comb and leaving her naturally curly hair frizzy.

He ignored this.

Last week, on the morning he has her, she turned up on my doorstep as I was leaving the house for college, sobbing about being bullied because her hair wouldn't go right. I had to choose between dealing with ensuing tantrum or allowing her in to flat iron her hair. I went with letting her in. It seemed the quickest option.

I let ex know I have commitments and wouldn't be available to do that for her every week and again, sent him a list of the things she needs to do her hair as she likes.

This morning, she turned up slightly earlier, with the expectation of being able to do her hair because, "dad said you forgot to pack my hair stuff so I have come home to get ready."

I sent him links to flat irons and the styling spray we use.

His reply was that, as the person she lives with, it is my responsibility to make sure he has everything he needs to get her to school enabling himself to get to work on time. This is what he pays the bare minimum maintenance for.

He's being a twat isn't he?

Would it be unreasonable to text him early next week, letting him know I've left for college and will not be home for dd?

I don't have spare hair straighteners. At home she uses mine. She does her hair while I make her lunch and then I do mine while she gets dressed, we have a nice little routine.

babybubblescomingsoon Wed 11-Oct-17 17:00:14

Yes he's being a twat and paying maintenance doesn't mean he doesn't have to contribute to anything else but at your daughters age I had one hair dryer, and straighteners etc and if I had to stay somewhere else overnight I would just pack it to come with me. No child needs two of everything.

WaxyBean Wed 11-Oct-17 17:04:48

Buy her some for xmas - she can take them back and forth herself.

Frequency Wed 11-Oct-17 17:06:57

She has zero of everything. She uses mine at home. I can't afford to buy another of everything and have no reason to when it's there for her to use.

Wanderwall Wed 11-Oct-17 17:10:14

Let him buy her some for Christmas.

ohamIreally Wed 11-Oct-17 17:13:07

Does he get a reduction in maintenance for the nights he has her? If so that's because she is deemed to be his financial responsibility for those nights. If he is arguing that she remains your responsibility even when she's with him then I would tell him that you're going to resubmit the maintenance claim "as that's what it's for".

Frequency Wed 11-Oct-17 17:15:09

I wouldn't mind him buying her some for Christmas but that's not really solving my issue of being late for college once a week because a sobbing child is turning up on my doorstep expecting me to fix her hair.

If she could come early/swap contact days, then Christmas would work. I might email him later and suggest that.

Subtlecheese Wed 11-Oct-17 17:16:14

Yup I have bought additional airbrushed and replacements after they get lost at exes. Additional waterproofs and wellies and swimsuits all toiletries. Now they are older hairdryers etc. The lot. He pays the legal minimum. Nothing extra. I imagine that's true for most absentee parents and there are probably a small % that actually want to support their child. Most seem to think They're subbing the rp. Certainly my ex MIL once told me I should use my child benefit I was getting at the time to pay for the childcare I was struggling to find funds for after ex stopped paying me for 3 months as he had to prioritise a family wedding hmm

danTDM Wed 11-Oct-17 17:16:48

I can only agree OP.
I have to sort out all the hairwash/shower and clean uniform every time.

DD is only 9 though.

It's not so much a day off than a complete worry. sad managing the fallout.

Subtlecheese Wed 11-Oct-17 17:18:35

*hairbrushes.
It is endlessly awful having one of these exes. The tweak until Christmas sounds a positive plan. I hope it works out!

JacquesHammer Wed 11-Oct-17 17:20:04

Ex-H has a full quote of everything (which he went out and bought himself as soon as we separated and keeps topped up).

Things that travel between houses - school games kit (not buying another set with one year left), iphone and ipad, wellies (we really struggled to find one pair that fit so they travel between), if DD specifically wants something from each other's house they come with her and we wash and send back, her fave teddy goes for weekends

UterusUterusGhali Wed 11-Oct-17 17:21:47

I've started sending my dc with nothing at all as ex just keeps them.

They went all year without their coats a couple of years ago because he kept "forgetting" to return them. hmm

I give him school uniform and send them in their grottiest clothes.
It seems harsh and his gf thinks I'm a "scrubber" hmm but I can't afford two sets of everything.

lizzieoak Wed 11-Oct-17 17:24:38

He is being a twat. It's a common non-residential parent twattish response. Mine used to stay over with the ex one evening a week and I discovered to my horror about 3 years in that he had never provided pyjamas! Ffs. I assumed he'd keep pj's at his (he has a good income).

I hope, though, that your daughter comes to feel okay with wearing her hair natural. The amount of equipment may be common (I think it is) but as a curly haired person I cannot be bothered with all the faffing about. I have shampoo, conditioners, coconut oil, and towels. Maybe when she's an older teen she'll embrace the curls smile

In the meantime, yes, he's being obnoxious.

WhoWants2Know Wed 11-Oct-17 17:25:03

Yep. Ex pays maybe half of what he should and provides nothing. Any makeup, sanitary stuff, etc goes with them to his house.

I have had some success with "two day hairstyles", though. Oldest DD doesn't like to shower at his, so she bathes and washes her hair at mine before she goes. Then I might do two French or Dutch braids while it's wet and cover with a scarf so she can sleep on it.

If braids are no good, can you show her how to do a messy bun or something?

We've probably spent way too much time on YouTube working this stuff out!

DonkeyPunch88 Wed 11-Oct-17 17:25:28

Kids have a wardrobe of clothes at mine and one at their dads, we swap back on a Sunday night, I give him washed and ironed clothes they come home in and he gives me back washed and ironed school uniform. The only thing they take with them is their coats and their toys that they sleep with

Frequency Wed 11-Oct-17 17:25:34

They went all year without their coats a couple of years ago because he kept "forgetting" to return them

Yup, been there. I've ended up taking impromptu trips to Primark because all her weekend clothes are at his house and he's gone off for the weekend on a whim.

WhoWants2Know Wed 11-Oct-17 17:29:12

Some hairstyle links here

Frequency Wed 11-Oct-17 17:30:11

Oh she loves her curls. That's another fight she has with him. His shampoo makes her curls frizz out and he has no conditioner and he won't buy her the same stuff I do. It's her own shampoo/conditioner for curly hair, she's perfectly welcome to take that back and forth with her but won't because she thinks he'll start using it on himself instead of buying his own grin I leave her to fight that battle herself.

She had a fringe cut recently and the horror of going to school with a frizzy/curly fringe is too much to bear. I've tried teaching her to braid it into her hair or pin it back but she's eleven and as reasonable as any eleven year old girl is.

Hellywelly10 Wed 11-Oct-17 17:31:45

He sounds like a knob. DD is likely not to want to stay there soon enough if he carries on like that. Can she have plats or another low maintenance style to eliminate the need for straighteners.

OnlyParentsAreReal Wed 11-Oct-17 17:32:01

Sounds like she needs to be coming home a day earlier if he can't handle a school morning

Farontothemaddingcrowd Wed 11-Oct-17 17:32:13

Yep ex doesn't provide a thing apart from toothbrushes. I have 3 dc and packing everything for an entire weekend is rather stressful and involves a suitcase.

WhoWants2Know Wed 11-Oct-17 17:32:50

Ol, that totally copied the wrong link confused

Ineedmorelemonpledge Wed 11-Oct-17 17:33:43

Pants and socks, pyjamas and a few spare t shorts and joggers at his dads. Toiletries too.

I had to fight for this though as he thought I should provide it all even though he pays no maintenance. Because I earn more money. hmm

He does keep the good stuff and send him back in flapping trousers. angry

I don't send him in crappy clothes because it's about my DS - he gets picked up from school on his weekends so I don't want him to feel foolish in school during the day, in old or too small clothes.

I try to think of it as not winning or losing against my ex. I bite my tongue and think about what makes DS happy and comfortable.

I send a text reminder before pick up to not forget his coat, sports bag etc as he's tried this a few times too.

MyrtleMaracas Wed 11-Oct-17 17:34:40

He needs to provide stuff but I couldn't stand DC to be distressed about hair and make up so on the nights they stayed I'd let them borrow mine.
Not ideal I know. He sounds a twat, but for your DD sake I'd do it.

Also, at 11 she needs to learn to be more responsible and bring all her gear home, at 3 or 4 yrs weekend clothes and coats get left, not by 11yrs though, especially as he has form for being useless.

WitchesHatRim Wed 11-Oct-17 17:38:53

I agree she needs to have them at his however this did stick out

She has zero of everything. She uses mine at home.

She needs her own things at yours too.

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