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Who is BU - me or DP

(15 Posts)
WhatIsGoingOnNow Wed 11-Oct-17 15:39:32

I am a SAHP so naturally do most of the pick ups and drop offs
On a particular day I have asked my DP to pick up DC as I have an appointment for some medical treatment.
That's fine.
DP then realised DC has an after school activity,
This is how the conversation went - who is unreasonable
DP: what about the after school activity?
Me: we'll you'll have to go.
DP: well that means I have to take half a day off
Me: when I ask you to pick up DC it implies that you are doing the pickup and anything else after.
DP: No it just means I'm doing the pickup and I carry on working when I get home
Me: That is not a normal way of thinking. No parent does that.

For context in the past DP has picked up DC and carried on working. I have then come home from an appointment around dinner time and have had to sort out dinner for DC.
On days when I have treatment I am very tired and often nauseous.
So am I being unreasonable in thinking that DPs attitude is not normal and that all the stuff that I do after school should be done by DP if I'm not there or is DP correct in that I need to spell out what needs to be done.

PotteringAlong Wed 11-Oct-17 15:44:59

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable- it's just miscommunication. You say yourself that, in the past, DH has picked up and then carried on working. He assumed there was no reason for this to be any different this time. You assumed that he wouldn't do it. You don't need to spell out to him what needs to be done but if you want to change from what normally happens (i.e. He picks up then carries on working) then you do need to talk about it!

WhatIsGoingOnNow Wed 11-Oct-17 15:49:22

Pottering
Activity aside Is it reasonable that DP just carries on working though and knows that I will be very tired when I get back - this is not new. Shouldnt DP not take that into consideration or do I have to spell that out as well taking into account that I may not be back until early evening.

WhatIsGoingOnNow Wed 11-Oct-17 15:49:53

I have said the same thing in the past also.

MyOtherProfile Wed 11-Oct-17 15:52:23

Depends on how old your child is. If dh is supposed to be working I would think it was quite reasonable as a one off to stick the child in front of the tv but not to expect you to pick up the cover. However if the child is older then I'd just expect them to come home and amuse themselves.

cushioncovers Wed 11-Oct-17 15:52:50

In my experience you have to spell it out literally every detail. My exh wouldn’t of realised or even considered that dc might have had a club or swim lesson after school and would of assumed it was pick up from school go straight home dump dc in front of tv and carried on working.

theymademejoin Wed 11-Oct-17 15:58:42

I used to work p/t. If I needed dh to pick up the kids, I would ask him to pick them up. He would then work from home. If there was an additional activity, I would also specify that pick-up was required from that too. I think given you only asked him to pick-up, his interpretation was reasonable.

However, expecting you to do dinner etc when you are felling unwell and he knows this is the case, is different. That is inconsiderate and a completely separate issue.

Mama234 Wed 11-Oct-17 16:02:25

I don't think you are being unreasonable if after treatment you are tired and nauseous, that he do the childcare. Its what you do if your partner isn't well isn't it? You make their lives easier for them.

KeepItAsItIs Wed 11-Oct-17 16:05:26

I'd have to spell it out tbh. Fucking annoying that they can't think for themselves but there we are. There is one evening a week where I need DH to get tea sorted. I've been doing tea for 17 years, we have the same quantities but he is incapable of working out how much bloody food to do and I have to leave a specific list. I also accept I need to tell him to get tea sorted as it's doubtful he would think of it despite me and DCs returning at nearly (their) bedtime.

YANBU btw, but from experience, it seems women think of these things and men just bloody don't, which is really annoying.

Eliza9917 Wed 11-Oct-17 16:20:09

Can't he pick DC up, take them where they have to go & do everything else like dinner etc and then work to make up the hours after you get back?

RedSkyAtNight Wed 11-Oct-17 16:48:10

I'd assume that pick up meant literally picking up from school as well, so am with your DH. It sounds like he works from home, so he does need to carry on working really - he's just quickly popping to school, which is different to being fully involved in childcare for the whole afternoon.

Can you get a friend to take DD to the activity, or alternatively, it's not the end of the world if she misses it once.

LoverOfCake Wed 11-Oct-17 16:54:19

Am with your DP. If he's picking up DC then he's just popping to school and then working from home as opposed to having to take half a day's annual leave to do it.

If you're feeling shite when you get home order a pizza, smile or buy in some easy to cook meals you just stick in the oven. Yes in an ideal world DP should do the cooking but given he doesn't an is working at home I would just do pizza for an easy life on those days.

WhatIsGoingOnNow Wed 11-Oct-17 17:00:53

He doesn't work from home and DC is 7

LoverOfCake Wed 11-Oct-17 17:10:40

So does he drop DC off at home and leave them? Or does he take DC with him to the office?

WhatIsGoingOnNow Wed 11-Oct-17 17:32:58

No pick up DC come home. DP will then give a snack then go into a bedroom and come down once maybe.

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