To think DD's best friend's dad is rude and cheeky

[MattMurdock]

DD’s best friend’s dad asked for advice on how he could DIY something I do for a living, he was then nearly half an hour late meeting me and didn't try to get in touch as I was easily able to contact him when he was already 15 minutes late, he then started questioning the advice I was giving him.

Personally I think its a bit cheeky to ask someone how to do what they do for a living so you can do it yourself and save money. I think its rude being more than a few minutes late and if you don’t want to accept the advice given then why bother asking in the first place.

I don’t want to offer to take on the job. In the past he’s talked about me doing work for them but its never come to anything but he has suggested that I could probably do them a good deal and fit them in between other jobs if I've said I'm booked up. So I know he would expect a discount and priority over other customers.

DW, wants to avoid any awkwardness between the 2 families for DD’s sake and they do take offence at the drop of a hat, always hard done by in some shape or form, but I know where this is headed. Either he’ll want me to “help” him do the job on my time for a couple of cans and a take away curry or he’ll want me to pick up the pieces of a badly done job on the basis of him having done most of the work so there’s not much left to do.

WIBU to risk DD’s friendship by doing what I would be normally do in this situation and be quite blunt. Tell him that clearly he don’t know enough to do a half decent job done and if he wants something done properly he’ll need to employ someone to do it from start to finish but that I can’t help as I'm booked up (until the year 3000 as far as they are concerned)!

FWIW he's got a well paid job, nice car, 2 houses and they take nice holidays so I don't think it's a case that they can't afford to get the work done.

[Stillamum3]

No, you are not being unreasonable!

[FrogFairy]

You have yourself a cheeky fucker.

Tell him you are too busy to help, could you offer him details of someone else who does the job that he could contact. Paying the going rate obviously.

[Fluffypinkpyjamas]

YANBU , your DD will make lots of friends,! Please don't pander to this twat because you're worried about the childrens friendship!

[JennyWoodentop]

It sounds like you are right to have concerns about being messed about - doing a job you don't want to do for less than mates rates or having to fix his mistakes - lots of time & effort on your part for no financial gain

DW, wants to avoid any awkwardness between the 2 families for DD’s sake

I think if you take on the work there will be more awkwardness than if you politely decline - they won't be happy with the quality of the work - he's already questioned your advice, they won't want to reimburse you for costs of materials, never mind your time, there will be much more to it than anticipated at the start and it will all get nasty is my guess.....

[MiddleClassProblem]

CF. I wouldn’t be doing anything for him. I’m not sure how much parents need to get on with each other but it entirely depends on the age of the kids.

If you have to play nice then I would just be permanently booked up or if they seem willing to book you way in advance do it but full rates or 10% off at best.

The trouble is, if he thinks you’re wrong already he could pick holes in what you did even if there’s nothing wrong or if something that’s Home related it just gives in with wear and tear as any would.

[MattMurdock]

Mates rates can be OK if they are actually a mate and in my world it also means they have skills you can call on in the future and pay them a discounted rate when something you need doing. That doesn't applies to this guy.

Unfortunately DD doesn't make friends easily which is why DW is a bit conflicted and our 2 families end up together quite often due to the shared interest which introduced our DDs.

I do have to stick to my guns here though.

[LilyMcClellan]

Yep, definitely take the upfront awkwardness hit of turning him down because you're too busy over the drawn-out pain of the job not going to plan, dragging on forever, haggling over cost and inevitable dissatisfaction with it afterwards.

If the father is such a jerk that he'll make the girls' friendship difficult because you won't help him out on a job, he's not really the sort of person you want your DD spending time around anyway.

[Butterymuffin]

Go for the booked up till 2025 option and be adamant but regretful about it to him.

[DarthMaiden]

Nod, smile and simply never be available when you are invited to “assist”. You are fully booked up and happy to offer a bit of advice now and again but are not taking on any additional work.

It’s amazing how busy you can make yourself appear when a cheeky fucker comes on the scene. In your case it sounds like you don’t even have to be disingenuous about it.

Alternatively just be honest and say “yeah - mates rates! I’ll help you build that extension for free when I next need a hand in graphic design for 2 weeks solid”-- obviously replacing skills appropriately but do keep the sarcasm evident in your voice and facial expression of wry amusement.--

It’s highly unlikely to impact your DD’s friendship frankly...

[CommanderDaisy]

Personally, I'd turn him down when the request comes. Mumble something about being happy to advise previously but prefer to keep friendships and work separate.
(You already know the angst and the fallout will be far worse if you say yes.)

The only other way I can see anything else working is if you quote, give him a 10% discount and state you need payment upfront- less a 5% completion fee. Give him a couple of dates you can do and refuse to waver. Refuse to start till you are paid etc. And all that will be a pain in the butt.

And as an aside, I'd strongly recommend against becoming overly friendly with your children's friends families. Maybe start distancing yourself and your wife from the dynamic and leave your daughter to it. It doesn't always play out well, and then you are in the situation you are in now. There is the rare occasion it works out, but I've had the awful situation of having to completely dump my sons best mate and his family, post his friends dad groping me on a family weekend away ( we were the only ones still up). I had to bash him with a wine bottle to get him off me. My son was only 8 at the time, and the whole thing was incredibly awkward for a multitude of reasons. Step back from that side of the relationship.
( obviously not saying your situation is like the mine, and some will say that's how they made friends etc. I just think it's better to keep a bit of distance so these kinds of things can't happen, then your child is at no risk of being hurt through parents actions..)

[MattMurdock]

Seems unanimous but I don't want to do any work for them.

We don't tend to mix beyond our DDs shared events but we did try to some years ago. We are very different people so it never felt natural. When we meet up they are always keen to engage with us, they always have new woes to tell us about, she is probably worse than him about that but once the disaster speech is out of the way she's can be quite pleasant.

DW says she feels uneasy around him though but can't say why personally I think they're both rather entitled and self absorbed.

I've questioned whether our DD's friendship is really worth it before.

While their daughter is generally a lovely, caring and considerate girl she is also prone to telling you what is wrong in her life and if there aren't any real disasters to report she will make things up.

One time she told us that their cat had a cancer tumour and was expected to die in a few months. DW immediately sent a message to her mum with sympathy saying she knew what its like to have terminally ill pet and got a reply saying the cat is fine why do you think she has cancer? The girl claimed it was a joke and didn't think we would take it seriously. DD took that at face value and forgave her.

They are both teenagers now and that was a couple of years back.

[Atenco]

Just say you're very busy and just can't fit him in.

[Skittlesandbeer]

In these situations I usually act as though I'm asked for help so often that I've created a policy for it (even if it's the first time, or if I'm actually happy to help other askers). Once I even whipped up a form with the names of other experts to contact, and a helpful list of questions they should ask themselves before doing the project (kind of a mini needs-analysis). That always works to put people off asking again or assuming I'll help down the track. Make it sound like there's a line of 'pro bono' supplicants down your street, or say that you allocate your pro bono time and expertise in a very structured way and only to local charities (or somesuch).

Be decisive, confident and cheery- as you close the door firmly.

[MistressDeeCee]

Cheeky fucker-itis.

Please don't accommodate this twat for the sake of the DCs' friendship - or where will it end..? Twice yearly DIY on the cheap, or else oh noooo you will spoil the friendship?

Be as blunt as you like in telling him you can't and won't help, you aren't free but are happy to give him details of others who can. If that spoils your DCs' friendship then tough, kids make new friends

[SemiNormal]

Just tell him you never mix friends and business as past experiences have gone awry but you're more than happy to recommend someone.

[dustarr73]

The kids are teenagers so you really don't need to be friends with them.You know it's going to end badly, so whyput yourself through I.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Their dd has no qualms about lying and potentially ruining the friendship. I think you and your dw are overthinking this. I think the mixing friends and business is a good line to take.

If nonetheless it does, this will be a learning experience for your dd of being used by people.

[sonjadog]

Be busy. Very, very busy. So you are never actually telling him why you don´t want to do it, you are just never, ever available to help in any way.

With your DDs being teens, in a few years they will be running their own friendship without parental involvement and then you can avoid this guy for good.

[razzledazzel]

YANBU I would steer well clear of this one and just tell them that you are too busy to fit him in/help him. It will be more hassle than it's worth.

[Oblomov17]

What is it you do? You clearly didn’t think like this man. I don’t agree with your definition of ‘mates rates’.

[windowSong]

Don’t do the job, but just be pleasant to him. Why are English people always so confused about basic interactions and social smoothness? Everyone seems to scream “CF!” or “NC!” at the slightest thing. Just be normal and nice. No need for all the dramatics.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

No, you are being a wise man !
Stay clear of this very CF.
No good will come of working for him.
Your daughters will carry on being friends.

[Enb76]

Mates are people who don't quibble about paying the going rate. Mates who ask for "mates rates" are cheeky fuckers who you shouldn't do any work for.

[RiotAndAlarum]

Definitely be busy! Any other reason can be seized upon as a chance to take offence.

Christmas is coming up, and you're taking on lots of extra paying work, aren't you ?