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NC Family issues, should I just drop this forever?

(7 Posts)
ishouldrunaway Tue 10-Oct-17 22:50:54

I'm adopted.

So I first met my bio dad in the early 2000s. He was quite needy. Things were always on his terms. I spent a year saying how high if he asked me to jump. I know he was jealous of my dad. He and his wife were very nice to me but they are very outgoing and I'm quite an introvert.

An example is practically forcing me to dress up as Sexy Santa and accompanying them to the pub on Christmas Eve (I did), they love a bit of fancy dress, a few drinks and fun. They are nice people, I'm nerdy and bookish, definitely not a Sexy Santa karaoke type of person.

He really wanted to be part of my family, but he never introduced me to any of his. Said it was best kept quiet.

One night he called me and asked me to drive 50 miles at 6pm on a Friday night (across London) after work to meet him and his wife for dinner. I explained that I had plans that night and could do Saturday or Sunday instead. He basically hung up in a huff. No more contact, I honestly thought he was being unreasonable and found it too much hard work.

Then in 2005 when the London bombings went off he called my mobile and said 'Just checking you are not dead' and then hung up - I tried to initiate conversation but he just hung up immediately. I heard no more until I married a few years later. He was apparently deeply upset that he wasn't invited to my wedding and got his wife to ring me to tell me so. I did promise to call back but we were moving house and numbers got lost and afterwards tbh I thought why do you want an invite when we've not spoken in years and it was my dads day. Not yours! Possibly my bad there, I could have got a message out but I was pregnant with a honeymoon baby. My husband said 'it's because he knows the grandchildren are coming'. My husband dislikes him and doesn't want me to have contact but wouldn't stop me or make it an issue. He's very diplomatic.

I reached out to my half sister by message about 4 years ago, but she didn't respond in two weeks so I guessed that was it and removed her from my FB. Actually I came off FB totally for ages and only now have a tiny friend group on there.

Three weeks ago I thought we're all much older so I'll try again. I messaged his wife. I got a passive aggressive message back saying that I send them mixed signals and that they can only be in contact if it's permanent. Accusing me of withdrawing contact. We live 400 miles apart (just so it's not a drip feed).

Should I just run for the hills? I wanted contact but I don't need a second family (something I've always made very clear). I just thought if they were passing by (they have family nearby who they visit) they may like to pop in for a cuppa and meet the children. A friendship not a family. I can't see this working, I think they want more than I can offer.

I need to drop this like a hot brick and run don't I? Or AIBU?

Apologise for the essay, I'd have posted on Adoption but think this is a better place to get a general consensus.

Wilmirh Tue 10-Oct-17 23:09:18

I personally would leave it there!!
U have ur parents, ur family no need for them!!
He sounds like he wants u to make all the effort and sacrifice and isn't prepared to do it in return(not introducing u to anyone??? What's that about??)
I believe from personal experience that it takes a real man to raise someone else's kids!

ishouldrunaway Tue 10-Oct-17 23:21:47

Thank you, my dad is that real man. And he did it alone as adoptive mum died young. He is my children's only grandfather, he did fuck up with me quite badly after my mum died, (hid his grief in drink god love him) but he's always been there and bio dad definitely didn't like our closeness and little 'in jokes' that families have.

Not introducing me to bio family is because I'm the dirty little secret. I'm over that though. I'm just pissed that they can't act like adults. I thought they would accept a few photos and the odd phone call, I've enough on my plate as it is. Bloody adoptees, always trying to please everyone. Need to give myself a slap I guess.

Bringmewineandcake Tue 10-Oct-17 23:25:46

Nah, you know the answer to this one already. I’m sorry this is the situation with your biological family flowers

Wilmirh Tue 10-Oct-17 23:40:28

Aww sounds like u have had a crap time of it!! Sorry to hear ur mum passed! Glad ur dad seems to have turned his life around.
Totally understand the comment he's the children's only grandfather this is exactly my thought with my dad (not bio)!!
Dirty little secret my arse, honestly that kind of negativity is not worth it! If they can't accept what u have given, then that's their problem! The fact he hates ur closeness just show him to be jealous! Doesn't sound like a particular nice couple tbh!
Only u can make the call but I think deep down I already know!!
Sorry if I was blunt lol!!
Good luck x

ishouldrunaway Wed 11-Oct-17 10:19:16

Not blunt at all thanks, a fair response. I'm going to have to tell them exactly why I cut it off with them last time (actually they think I cut it off, but it was bio dad's rudeness that did it).

Perhaps it's time to tell them some home truths and walk away.

Wilmirh Wed 11-Oct-17 10:50:44

Sounds like a plan, tell them ur truths and go from there!

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