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To be worried about there being no one I trust to look after my children

(15 Posts)
Niamhisnotarealname Tue 10-Oct-17 20:25:08

Should DH and I die? I am a bit of a worrie wort a times but this has been brought to the fore as I have booked an appointment to finally get my will written and the solicitor has emailed me things to think about and discuss prior to the appointment date.
There really is no one who could have my DC should the worst happen. My mum would want to but physically can't my dad would be worse than useless and DH parents live abroad. TH has a sister who is a couple of hours away but we hardly see her and she drinks an awful lot (Think drinking regularly until she and her DH pass out and the kids are left to fend for themselves 😐), I wouldn't really want her caring for my children.

I am so upset that they would end up in care if we suddenly went under a bus tomorrow.

There's nothing else I can do though is there? ☹

Hassled Tue 10-Oct-17 20:29:07

Friends? It doesn't have to be family. And bear in mind this is all very unlikely - I don't mean you shouldn't consider it, but try to keep it in perspective.

Niamhisnotarealname Tue 10-Oct-17 21:14:08

I am trying Hassled but there really isn't anyone I would 100% trust. It's brought up alot of unwanted feelings.

Handsupbabyhandsup Tue 10-Oct-17 21:17:34

I have similar issues. Also complicating us is a high asset base where it’s likely my undesirable relatives would seek access to the children to gain that. I worry too.

Freddofrog1983 Tue 10-Oct-17 21:32:39

Funny enough I was thinking exactly the same thing. Both of my parents have died and I have no siblings and we are not in touch with in laws anymore. Friends wise I don’t have close enough friends to ask apart from one who has no children of her own so I would feel it would be to much of an ask. Don’t really have an answer but just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

Winniethepooer Tue 10-Oct-17 21:35:03

My dc would go into care. 2 of them have complex SN.

No family that could cope. My friends all have SN dc too.

AnonEvent Tue 10-Oct-17 21:35:40

I've been having literally the same worries this week.

There's no one in the whole world 'good enough' for DD (not that DH and I are exceptional, but she is stuck with us).

And you've got to think about the recipients' plans upon their death too. My Dsis and BIL would send their children to BIL's sister, who lives in America. I don't want DD being traipsed out to America away from friends and family who love her.

loveisasecondhandemotion Tue 10-Oct-17 21:35:55

My 13 yr old cousin told his mum that he would want to live with " x over the road " if his parents died as they have a bigger tellygrin

Seriously though it is a horrible thought and hopefully something that will never come to fruition.
As pp have said, it doesn't have to be family.
Are there any close friends you could name?

Remember though op that this is absolute worst case scenario.
Hope it goes well flowers

Goldmandra Tue 10-Oct-17 21:37:42

I was quite relieved when DD1 got to an age where she could be guardian to DD2 if the worst should happen.

We have set up a trust so she would have help managing finances.

Niamhisnotarealname Tue 10-Oct-17 21:38:45

I am finding it upsetting and uncomfortable i think because thinking about these things shines a very bright light on the fact that I really don't have all that much family or many frie d's and those I do have are undesirable or nowhere near close enough to me and my DC to trust them with their tiny budding lives that hold so much promise.

What a depressing thread. Sorry everyone.

Timeforabiscuit Tue 10-Oct-17 21:42:26

We considered setting up a trust so the dcs could be boarded at a private school with a relative stepping in for holidays.

Ttbb Tue 10-Oct-17 21:43:38

We are in a similar position and have decided to nominate two gairdians to cover all bases. Do you have any close friends who could do it?

Saracen Tue 10-Oct-17 22:05:12

If they have no major problems aside from having been orphaned young, they would be very adoptable, presumably. What about having your mum as guardian, if you trust her judgement, and she could choose an adoptive family for them?

Or... you say your mum couldn't physically look after them. Is that a problem which could be solved by throwing money at it, for example by her hiring help? In that case, could you buy enough life insurance to make that possible?

Stompythedinosaur Tue 10-Oct-17 22:43:17

I found it difficult to identify guardians. What made a difference for me was accepting that in a situation where do and I have died there is no perfect option, it is more a case of looking for the least bad option.

For us that was one of our increasingly elderly mums first, then bil and sil who we do not agree with their parenting or political outlook (but would love and care for them), then the state as a better option than my irresponsible brother.

It is very unlikely to happen. Your dp's parents abroad might be an option?

lifetothefull Tue 10-Oct-17 23:47:56

DH and I have been nominated in the wills of 2 sets of friends. When we said yes the first time, we lived in a 1 bed rented flat and had no dcs ourselves. Choose friends who you trust , make sure your family know and understand your wishes, put in some provision in your will for the people you choose to be able to accomodate your dcs, and give them permission to make the best decision for dcs as they see fit at the time. Remember, it's unlikely to happen.

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