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AIBU: to want to address the problems in our relationship and not let go?

(34 Posts)
HopelessToad Tue 10-Oct-17 18:15:29

I feel like such a piece of scum.
It feels like it's mostly my fault as well.

I've been childish, neglectful, irresponsible, a selfish lover just to name a few of my many mistakes.

I'm so ashamed of myself.

I've let the most perfect person leave my side. Ruined the best relationship I could possibly ask for and lost my family as a result.

I need help.

Our finances were not great to begin with. I had spent some time in prison for a minor offence related to social justice protesting. Before I met my Ex I was going off the rails with activist related activity coupled within a cycle of self destruction and Ex got me out of this silliness. During the spell in prison my Ex acquired a new home for us. Upon my return it was difficult for me to find full time work because of lack of previous employment. I had never had a proper job before this point. It took 3 months until I was bringing in a full time wage between 2 jobs but 6 months until I had a secure full time job. This lasted for a further 2 and a half months as I decided to pursue a degree to make the most of what feels like a very still period before my conviction becomes spent. I was forced to cut back my hours to study but coupled with my loan it just about balanced if not just under. If we were to make some lifestyle changes like not going out so much it wouldn't have been a problem. It didn't greatly affect our ability to pay bills as we could previously but we were still both flippant when spending.

Despite our poor organisation and management we were really happy with where we were going. My Ex was training into a new amazing career I found and encouraged her into. She's going to shine there. We were discussing getting married and talking about our future goals in depth.

It all started last year. I set aside enough of my student loan to pay off a big chunk of our rent, the tenancy is in her name so I pestered her for a 2 weeks to make the arrangements with the estate agents. This never happened. Long story short, we both spent all this money indulging ourselves...stupid I know and with it being in my account I take full responsibility for allowing it to happen but yeh then... I discovered that during our brief time apart she had cheated. Which, now, I don't blame her for. She was alone, with our DC (2 dogs, 4 cats) in pretty poor circumstances before getting our home.
This was fresh news to me and I'm a very emotional person. She begged me not to break up with her, and, I didn't but it did effect me.
I got very untrustworthy, paranoid and would have panic attacks at work. I started to become quite lazy and apathetic but despite that I was still passionately in love with Her(and I still am now). She gave me her online social media account details voluntarily as a gesture to show that nothing would happen again.
I lost my job due to lateness over this period and, Although obtaining a new job relatively quickly, lost that due to an argument with the manager in some frankly childish circumstances thatre my fault entirely although I wasn't in a great mood working here as my ex had been in touch with the person shed cheated with while she was working here the year previously. I was then out of work for 3-4 months and during this time my ex spent her inheritance to cover our bills and grovelled to her family. It was awful.

Due to this immense pressure I offered to put my degree on hold until she finished her training so that we wouldn't be in any financial difficulties.

Despite that i went through helpless episodes where I thought everything was repeating itself and that she would up and leave so I decided to reapply for my degree after affirmation from other people that this was a good decision to make. I then discovered while researching that if I transferred elsewhere I would be able to get a better degree, work less and still contribute more than a 40 hour minimum wage job over a 12 month period.

She discovered the application before I spoke to her about it and of course, you can imagine what entailed.

Shortly after this I returned back to work but over the course of this time we had frequent, but dispersed arguments about random small things, it actually ridiculous. I felt like this was just stress and pressure and felt like we were working through everything. Slowly but surely. She was still talking about getting married next year, it just felt like a rough area to get through.

Nothing much else was said about the university issue but eventually I decided to go after realising my income would be far better than working a 40 hour a week job because of our change of circumstances on the year before. Due to the arguments about this previously I got very scared about bringing this up and shamefully revealed it in a text message at midnight while next to her in bed two weeks before I was due to start.

It wasn't good of me.

During this time she spent a lot of time talking to male colleagues...perfectly innocent but it upset me and made me feel uncomfortable so I asked her to reduce this and, well, she felt I was asking her to not have any friends at all and it caused further problems.

We both got a little secretive with our phones at this point..Ect...but nothing majorly problematic, we still did everything together.

Despite all this we talked and she hesitantly agreed to trial university...

I should mention that over these few months we had one major argument and I said some really nasty things that I didn't mean and I'm so disgusted by.

The couple weeks before I was due to go to university I stopped working so much, 1 day a week. I didn't communicate this but it was because I was anticipating my student loan coming through and wanted to spend as much time with our pets and getting everything else in order before I left.

Anyway, so she took me to university, begged me the entire way not to go, begged me to come home with her the whole time. I foolishly thought this was just nerves because of all the stress we were going through.

The first week passed. I come home. Everything is great, we're cuddling, kissing nothing unusual and over the course of the night she gets really cold with me and...after pressing for a conversation she says she wants to go on a break...I felt something else was up and asked but she said no. When she went to bed, I checked her social media to discover she had been talking to a colleague for weeks about how much she wanted to do stuff with...you know and had even been having an explicit conversation while we were talking about 'us'.

I completely flipped out, woke her up shouting and said more stuff I don't mean and regret massively. I then messaged some of our friends and her parents it's fucking disgraceful. I don't know what came over me. It felt like a repeat of January except happening in real time and I was crumbling to pieces.

It feels like in the last couple months we just kept going tit-for-tat on issues instead of really talking to each other as we had always previously done.

She uses her phone excessively so I do.

She goes to other people for advice so I do.

She messaged some of my friends saying I was neglecting our family so in the end I message her friends saying she's cheated.

Frankly, it's a childish disgrace and should have never come to that in the first place.

My problem is that:

It's nothing that can't be addressed

But for the past 6 months we've been expressing our frustration with other people...and just our frustration so obviously we are going to be biased toward ourselves

This means that

I have people telling me she's a bad person and to leave

She has people telling her that I'm a bad person and encouraging her to be with her now new partner of, incidentally 3 weeks.

I have no doubt that the new guy is a nice guy and he's done some great things but I know my ex so well and I'm sure that while she may feel something now, he just happened to give an ear at the right time. He is much better as a friend to her than a partner and I'm sure they would both be better off as friends and colleagues for life than a rebound relationship...then again am I just in denial?

Before January...everything was on the up...everything...

And despite everything that's happened in this small space of time...

I understand her emotionally like no one else does

She understands me emotionally like no one else does

We'd began to build a family, aspire to a future

And we had an extensive list of memories that so many people would envy!

The break up, 3 weeks in, has made me realise what really matters to me.

And I can let go of everything and would do absolutely anything for the slightest opportunity to try, just, one more time. Even if we just began as friends.

AIBU to think that there is any hope and to try, even if it means waiting, to get back to what we had before we both allowed external influences to dictate how we acted?

All I want to do is address, directly every single mistake that I made and try one more time, without the baggage I was bringing.

CompletelyUniqueUserName Tue 10-Oct-17 18:32:18

Leave her alone.

Lagerthaisfabulous Tue 10-Oct-17 18:36:31

I will be honest that was too lomg to take it all in.

However, leave her alone. She doesnt want to be with yoi. If that changes i am sure she will contact you.

And you dont have a right to make her listen while ypi go over every detail.

She is saying she is done and that should be enough for to leave her alone.

Mumof41987 Tue 10-Oct-17 18:47:19

You both sound unhealthy for each other and very immature !!

Bringmewineandcake Tue 10-Oct-17 18:47:27

Definitely leave her alone. I read most of your OP and this was not a good relationship. Sort yourself out before you meet anyone else.

upperlimit Tue 10-Oct-17 18:55:44

No, leave her be. You can't come back from that shit fight of a relationship.

BeachyKeen Tue 10-Oct-17 18:56:29

Sweet Jesus! Let it go! You have screwed up so many different ways, you can't stick to anything for even a year straight, and you're trying to talk about remaking yourself and forming a family?!
Sort your head out, sort your schooling out, sort your money out, sort your coping skills and then when you a ready, try with someone new.
Let her go

TheSnowFairy Tue 10-Oct-17 19:01:30

You don't want this be with her (you've shown that by multiple actions).

Let go of the memories, good and bad.

Move on.

Queenofthedrivensnow Tue 10-Oct-17 19:07:58

Pets arnt children unless I've read that wrong

SendintheArdwolves Tue 10-Oct-17 19:10:00

She has the right to end her relationship with you. She doesn't owe you (yet another) chance, or an explanation, or to "work at it" or a goddamn thing.

Please god, let her get out of this terrible, damaging relationship with you.

Frankly, the whole thing sounds like a nightmare. By your own admission you shout and scream at her, lie about her to family and friends, say things you are later "ashamed of", conceal financial information from her and didn't work in order to"spend time with your pets".

You also adopt a very passive tone, even when you're supposedly "owning up" to your mistakes. You say things like "it's a disgrace" (rather than "I behaved disgracefully") and "it should never have come to this" (rather than "I should never have done it").

Leave her alone, and get therapy.

AdalindSchade Tue 10-Oct-17 19:14:52

You sound like an absolute pair of twats who need to grow the fuck up. And no you shouldn't get back together and she doesn't want you anyway! Leave her alone.

Branleuse Tue 10-Oct-17 19:51:44

she wasnt perfect for you. Shes a cheater, and youve both got issues which make you toxic for each other.

HopelessToad Tue 10-Oct-17 20:03:43

Thank you for the tough love

I really need these blunt to the point responses

(That's not sarcastic at all, I am genuinely appreciative of everyone's insight)

I just feel like if behaviour is addressable then something is possible as our personalities sync almost too well I mean we relied on each other so much nothing got done...

midnightmisssuki Tue 10-Oct-17 20:12:56

sorry - but you need to leave her be. You sound a bit obsessed with her and that is NOT healthy. Start afresh, move on with your life. You had your chance(s) but screwed up - give up on her please, if you really do love her, let her go.

AdalindSchade Tue 10-Oct-17 20:30:44

You sound co dependent. Not healthy.

username7979 Tue 10-Oct-17 20:38:47

It seems certain things really affect you a bit too much, and you react by acting quite possessive and controlling.
You need to understand your emotional triggers a bit more, otherwise you will carry on acting this way, which would be feeling suffocating for anyone. get counselling to get to the bottom of what makes you act this way, which is not giving you good prospects in relationships.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 10-Oct-17 20:47:21

It's OVER. As over as over can get. You need to focus on getting yourself sorted in a big, profound way. Truthfully, neither one of you seems mature enough for a healthy relationship.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain Tue 10-Oct-17 21:04:35

Sorry the only thing I remember about that is you referred to dogs and cats as children. For that yabvu. The rest sounds a complete mind fuck. Draw a line and move on

HopelessToad Tue 10-Oct-17 21:10:30

All our animal companions are co-owned and have all been brought up by both of us, hence the cringeworthy description 'children'

AdalindSchade Tue 10-Oct-17 21:18:39

Fuck sake
Your animals aren't children hmm

brummiesue Tue 10-Oct-17 21:38:14

Ha ha is this a wind up?? Pets are 'dc' now gringringrin

HopelessToad Tue 10-Oct-17 21:39:06

Hell yes and the best bit is that they don't bavk chat

brummiesue Tue 10-Oct-17 21:40:13

Probably because you brought them up so well

KindleBueno Tue 10-Oct-17 22:08:26

So you've let her spend her inheritance to keep you, went to prison, been fired from TWO jobs, messaged her friends and family shitty messages about her and woke her in the middle of the night to shout at her? And you want her back?! She's well rid. You sound like an irresponsible, abusive, cock lodging waster.

pictish Tue 10-Oct-17 22:18:08

"My problem is that:

It's nothing that can't be addressed"

You can't fix this mess of relationship by going over everything to the nth degree. How desperate and tedious. You are living in la la land...this is not how relationships are supposed to be...you don't cling on to a misery-fest for dear life, you get out of it!
Leave your ex alone. She has moved on and I sincerely recommend you do the same.

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