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To get elope to New Zealand?

(18 Posts)
sadandanxious Tue 10-Oct-17 17:43:38

DP and I are away on holiday atm and have been discussing marriage. My family stress me out so much. When my sister got married my mum moaned about virtually every decision my sister and her (now) husband made. Every time I see my parents I end up so stressed out, in the lead up to seeing them, whilst seeing them and even a little bit afterwards. We seem to have opposing views on absolutely everything to the point they can't even agree to disagree. They're racist, homophobic, hypocritical (blaming lazy benefit scroungers (or immigrants) for everything despite being on benefits for the last 15 or so years themselves).

The rest of my family never really want to talk to us unless somebody else organises an event that we and they happen to be at. I do have one amazing aunty that I love to bits and would love her to be at our wedding but I can just imagine the shit storm if we only invited her, my uncle and cousins.

DP doesn't get along with his family at all. They live miles away, never come up to see their granddaughter and even on the odd occasion we've gone to theirs they still have barely bothered with DSD. His family caused a huge fight when he married his ex so he wouldn't want to invite them again.

The idea of getting married locally with family stresses me out to the point of not wanting to do it. Which is awful as it shouldn't be about them, it should be about DP and I (and DSD of course). I know it'd piss off / upset a lot of people if we didn't invite them though, I was engaged before and my dad was upset my ex didn't ask him.

Would we be unreasonable to elope to New Zealand and not tell anyone until we come back? We'd love to just run away and get married without a lot of the stress and to combine the wedding and honeymoon, hence New Zealand.

If we do that do we just not tell people we're engaged? It'd be a long term (well a year to two years) engagement due to having to save massively for flights, wedding, holiday / honeymoon etc. How on earth do we keep it from people for so long if we go down that route?

sadandanxious Tue 10-Oct-17 17:44:15

Sorry, title fail. That was supposed to just say "to elope to New Zealand"

Gindrinker43 Tue 10-Oct-17 17:47:14

Your life, your decision. Do what makes you happy and no one else. Be prepared for a shit storm afterwards.
Have a wonderful trip!

GinSolvesEverything Tue 10-Oct-17 17:50:24

Do it!! If nothing else, NZ is ace. Loads of Aussie same sex couples come here to get married as they can't at home. We love a good wedding!

If you need a random witness in Auckland.......

sadandanxious Tue 10-Oct-17 18:14:36

Ahh thanks Gin ! I think I'll ask on here nearer the time (so if you're still around then!!) grin

Wintergirl7 Tue 10-Oct-17 18:49:13

I reckon go for the elopement! Hire a hall/venue for drinks/buffet etc. when you get back if you really want to, but not too much of a faff, birthday party level. A close friend of mine broke off her engagement in the planning phase, with similar circumstance to you, and her fiance wasn't standing up for her against his family's constant complaining/insistence on changing petty things (not saying your fiance is the same!) and she lost quite a lot of savings to deposit money sad
It was horrible to watch her have her idea of a dream (fairly reasonable!) wedding then have her second guess all her choices and it was slowly picked to pieces.....
If you go for New Zealand, I highly recommend Hopewell hostel in the Marlborough sounds, South Island we went there on our honeymoon and it was gorgeous, fairly private and cheap about (£63 a night!).....could have stayed just there for a week. I lived in NZ all over for a year and loved it <3

sadandanxious Tue 10-Oct-17 19:19:23

Wow that's so cheap!! Thanks for the recommendation smile

I'm so sorry about your friend, that's so sad for her. DP is totally on board thankfully- I think he'd be grateful if we eloped as he finds my family very stressful too. And his family would kick off if we didn't invite them so at least this way we can say well nobody was invited so....

sadandanxious Tue 10-Oct-17 19:21:05

Plus as you can probably tell from my name, I suffer from depression and anxiety so the thought of being in a church / registry office / whatever with lots and lots of people just makes my mental health worse! So there are lots of reasons for us to just say sod it and elope!

Do we tell people about engagement though?

honeysucklejasmine Tue 10-Oct-17 19:23:40

Sounds great, OP. I love NZ, most beautiful place in the world.

I assume a marriage there would class as legal over here?

WonderfullySunny Tue 10-Oct-17 19:34:51

I have two very close friends who did exactly that. They got engaged told the families etc and when they were planning a holiday to NZ decided why not combine it with a wedding (but not telling respective families, they just thought it was a holiday). They got married out there just the two of them on the beach. They then had a big party upon return to UK. Speaking to them they don’t regret it for a minute because it’s exactly what they wanted, there was no stress and they just had a wonderful day. They had similar family tensions not quite to your extent I think. After being subjected to my own DM criticising our choices for the wedding day I can completely understand where you’re coming from.

You’re a family unit now, enjoy and focus on yourselves smile

amusedbush Tue 10-Oct-17 19:38:36

We combined wedding and honeymoon and got married in NYC, just the two of us. If we'd had to wrangle both families and deal with the stress that goes along with a big wedding we still wouldn't be married!

sadandanxious Tue 10-Oct-17 19:55:40

amused that sounds lovely! How were they when you got back?

wonderfully? does that mean it's legally recognised here?

I'd assume so from this:

Fluffyears Tue 10-Oct-17 19:57:46

We’re eloping next year and it’s the best decision ever. All booked and just the little things tonorgsnise, rings etc, check wedding laws etc as you need to make sure you have correct paperwork and are in the country for correct time before ceremonyZ. Good luck and remember this is your day and your choice m.

sadandanxious Tue 10-Oct-17 20:29:38

Thanks fluffy! Where are you guys getting married? DP has already checked time but we do need to check documents etc

WonderfullySunny Wed 11-Oct-17 05:43:51

OP I was married abroad as well and the British embassy don’t validate foreign marriage certificates so ours is valid in UK, worth double checking of course smile

dratsea Wed 11-Oct-17 06:53:59

Kia ora,

Nothing wrong with NZ.

amusedbush Wed 11-Oct-17 09:01:42


We didn't elope as such, as it was planned well in advance and everyone knew we were doing it. Everyone was really lovely about it apart from my narcissistic mother, who was mortally wounded and made the whole thing about her. She still loves to bring it up when she has an audience.

specialsubject Wed 11-Oct-17 09:58:33

Go for it.

I've been to hopewell - fantastic place. It was a lot cheaper when I went, now nzd 150 for the top room. Remember it is a backpackers so keep the noise down, bring your own food and do your washing up.

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