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To ask why my daughter is being bullied

(141 Posts)
CallingPeopleACuntOnFb Tue 10-Oct-17 14:30:46

She is 8, year 4.

She has been bullied on and off by different children for about 3 years

She is averagely pretty (I’m saying that because nothing stands out about her, ie very beautiful or very unattractive). She’s average height, very slim, reasonably bright and always clean, nice hair, the “right” School bag / trainers etc

Most importantly she’s sweet and kind and hasn’t got a nasty bone in her body. She does have friends but only a handful. (Although they are lovely little girls and seem to love dd)

After yet another visit to the school I’ve just had enough. I want to know WHY?? Why is she being picked on ?? I just don’t understand it....I feel like there is something “wrong” with her that I’m not seeing 😔

FortunatelyUnfortunately Tue 10-Oct-17 14:33:26

I feel very sad for your poor DD.

What are they saying / doing?

What is the school doing about it?

NoCryLilSoftSoft Tue 10-Oct-17 14:35:41

I wish I knew. I was bullied too and the only thing I can put it down to is that they tried it once and got away with it, they enjoyed it so they kept it up until someone stepped in. The one time I didn't need someone to step in was when I stood up to them myself and then he went screaming to his parents that I had attacked him. I had, i saw him coming towards me with a smirk ready to humiliate me again infront of the other boys and I I wanted to fucking kill him so I hurt him as much as I could and smirked when he cried. He never went near me again. Sadly that's what it took. Not advising your daughter gets aggressive but definitely do some work on her assertiveness and tell her it's absolutely fine to dish out withering looks and walk away from anyone who tries to engage her with bullying.

Sorry she is going through this.

reallyanotherone Tue 10-Oct-17 14:38:23

She is averagely pretty (I’m saying that because nothing stands out about her, ie very beautiful or very unattractive). She’s average height, very slim, reasonably bright and always clean, nice hair, the “right” School bag / trainers etc

This has fuck all to do with it. However if you are placing a lot of inportance on ‘fitting in’, then she may worry about getting things right, which then opens the door for bullies to pick up any differences, percieved or not.

FortunatelyUnfortunately Tue 10-Oct-17 14:39:45

I got the piss taken out of me a lot at your DDs age because of my surname. Sounds like a small thing but was horrible at the time.

Nothingrhymeswithfamily Tue 10-Oct-17 14:40:37

I am so sorry for your daughter.

I bet theres nothing, sometimes kids are shits. Id guess I'm a bit like your daughter, the more they bully the more you become a people pleaser in the hope that people finally like you. But that just gives them more ammunition and sets you up for more hurt.

What are the school doing?
My suggestion is to widen your daughters life, let her see that school is "just" school. Theres a whole world outside of school, so things like cubs, brownies outside clubs that she can find people like her. So she learns to love who she is. That actually those dick heads are jus dick heads, not her entire world.
As much as it sounds like I'm ripping off that annoying CBBC advert but theres a lot to be said for "finding your tribe"

TheHungryDonkey Tue 10-Oct-17 14:44:06

My seven year old seems to get targeted too. All the time. I was gobsmacked yesterday at pick up time to see a child following her around the playground repeatedly saying you fat cow, you fat idiot, whilst his mum did jack shit about it. Unlike me my child is lovely. Too nice and doesn’t stand up for herself when she needs to.

araiwa Tue 10-Oct-17 14:44:37

it could literally be anything

by definition, bullies are twats and dont need an excuse to be a twat

greystarling Tue 10-Oct-17 14:45:08

I can only give my daughters experience. She had a torrid awful hideous time at primary, steadily getting worse before I finally lost the plot with school and took her out 4 weeks before the end of year 6. Bullying. Horrible girls. Not just one of them but one was the ringleader
I thought it was my dd and was very worried about her and couldn’t work out what she was doing to get this bullying. Basically I believed school and didn’t believe her. I’m very shameful about that. I should have taken her out much earlier.

Now the good news. She is absolutely thriving at high school. Not just settlers but flying high and says ‘I’m fab’. Her self esteem has rocketed.
He went to a high school with no other pupils from her primary going. And it’s a very very good match for her which I think was key
It’s an awful thing and I’m sorry you are going through it. I would say don’t be afraid to move her. I wish I had moved my daughter even as late as year 6. It was never her

Frequency Tue 10-Oct-17 14:45:37

^She is averagely pretty (I’m saying that because nothing stands out about her, ie very beautiful or very unattractive). She’s average height, very slim, reasonably bright and always clean, nice hair, the “right” School bag / trainers etc

Most importantly she’s sweet and kind and hasn’t got a nasty bone in her body. She does have friends but only a handful. (Although they are lovely little girls and seem to love dd)^

That was my DD. She was bullied from yr5 onwards. It stopped in yr7, then she seemed to rebel and became a bullies wet dream (emo, gay, into gaming etc) so it started again.

I wonder if it has something to do with their personality (not victim blaming). When I went into the school about it her teacher went to great lengths to impress upon me what a lovely, kind, empathetic, generous girl DD was. He was almost in tears talking over the bullying because he couldn't understand why anyone would bully such a nice girl as my DD.

When I'd advise her to stand up for herself, she'd get upset and tell me she didn't want to say anything nasty back in case it upset the bullies confused To this day, she still shouts at me if I say anything negative about the kids bullying her.

KimmySchmidt1 Tue 10-Oct-17 14:47:36

there are generally three reasons children get bullied according to most teachers:

1. they are actually annoying and wind up other kids. This is generally more of an issue in high school when personality is more formed, so you can probably discount this.

2. jealousy. it might be stuff she has, she might be posher and have more money, that sort of things.

3. victim reaction. bullies generally pick on people who are easy targets - they don't know how to rebuff and neutralise the attack (with humour, assertiveness, counter meanness etc) and so they become an easy target.

I was pretty sheltered, comparatively "posh" and pretty bumptious as a primary school kid (well, throughout school if we're honest) and was controversially lumped in a catchment area for a school on a council estate. Absolutely lovely school but I was subject to occasional mild bullying because I was a bit of a posh twat by comparison to others. I expect I stood out like a sort thumb but by age 9/10 I had learned to manage it with a bit of piss taking and backchat, and people generally didn't bother so much and got over it. And I got revenge by having a giant 10th birthday party and not inviting the 2 or 3 girls in the year that were unpleasant. When asked why I said "because you're not very nice to me".

High school was much better - its a bigger environment, kids are less petty, wit is a more potent tool.

Try teaching your daughter to have a quick, sharp tongue - it will never go amiss.

Caulkheadupnorf Tue 10-Oct-17 14:48:09

What does she do when the bullying is happening?

OverbearingHouseSitter Tue 10-Oct-17 14:48:21

The word 'sweet' stands out to me. Is your daughter quite willing to please? Does she confront her bullies?

I was very sweet and kind at school and I got taken advantage of loads and walked all over. The bullies seemed to go for me as they knew I wouldn't retaliate or would just run off and cry.

When I got to 15, my self confidence improved a lot over the summer holidays and I 'found myself.' Sorry that sounds cheesy! Anyway, I went back to school after summer and again the bullies started picking on me. However, this time instead of letting them I stood up for myself and they never touched me again, aside from one guy.

This one guy, the main bully, picked on me for a few weeks after. I verbally stood up for myself yet he never stopped. One day he started kicking me (I had done nothing) and I flipped. I hit him round the head with my bag and again he never touched me again.

I'm not suggesting physical violence, obviously! Just that if your DD doesn't currently stand up for herself, try and teach her how to. But appropriately.

GetYourRosariesOffMyOvaries Tue 10-Oct-17 14:50:56

TheHungryDonkey shock that is absolutely horrendous!! What did you do/say?? The thoughts of someone treating any child like this is heartbreaking! I'd be afraid I'd either flip completely or not flip enough!

Bambamber Tue 10-Oct-17 14:52:05

Because some kids are just assholes and just aim for people more vulnerable or generally just less likely to punch them in the face

blackteasplease Tue 10-Oct-17 14:53:58

"She's sweet and kind and hasn't got a nasty bone in her body"

This is probably why, sad as that is.

ClothEaredBint Tue 10-Oct-17 14:56:18

my dd gets picked on because her brother is disabled and because she isn't 'girly' enough, she prefers to play with the boys. Trouble is, it doesn't last very long because she's grown up with an Autistic brother and is quite capable of defending herself and not afraid to stand up to people being mean.

Children are vicious, they will pick up on the slightest thing and run with it.

You'd be better off teaching her to defend herself. I used to get bullied, but I wasn't afraid to lose my temper and punch them for doing it.. they soon backed off!

Potofbobbles Tue 10-Oct-17 14:56:18

I watched an interview about a guy who had been bullied and he said that once a child has been bullied by one child their confidence loss and esteem hit is visibly obvious to the bullies and they because a very easy target.

This guys Mum had moved him schools several times and couldn't understand why even with a new start he had started being bullied again but the other kids could see he was beaten down.

My DC1 is tall and slim and blonde and (in my biased opinion) pretty and I to have always made sure she had the right bag or coat etc to try and minimise things they could pick on her for after previous bullying but for years was a target even through a change of school and a move to high school. Years of me going in school.

She moved to a college at 14 and the environment suited her better and It's only now when her confidence and self esteem has been raised and she has mates that will back her up that she had the confidence to tell them to fuck off when they start and tell staff immediately and now they realise she won't stand for it and will get in bother from her mates and school and will back off as it's not worth the hassle.

PinkHeart5914 Tue 10-Oct-17 14:58:14

I really do feel for your dd sad poor love. I think some dc just like being mean to others tbh, at 8 years old they certainly understand when they are being nasty.

My little brother was bullied at school and do you know what started it, he had grey socks instead of black (the uniform was either grey or black) that is what they started picking on him about then moved on to the scar on his head.

I was bullied from year 5 until I left secondary school, it started when me and another girl fell out. At worst she broke my arm and cut my hair off.

sinceyouask Tue 10-Oct-17 14:59:40

Move her. Honestly, if you can, just do it.

NinonDeLenclos Tue 10-Oct-17 15:00:34

There is no reason. She's not being bullied because of how she is but how the bullies are and the fact that the school tolerates it.

KERALA1 Tue 10-Oct-17 15:01:19

DD was being bullied in year 3 - traditional bullying so not her friendship group but kids she didn't know seeking her out to be unkind about a physical feature she can't help. It had been going on a while before she cracked and told me as shes quite proud. School were wet about it "lets talk in class about being kind". In the end I wrote to all the parents concerned. It went nuclear! The head rang me up to tell me off and a mother cried. Bullying stopped though and never happened again.

MrsOverTheRoad Tue 10-Oct-17 15:03:31

reallyanotherone

Yes unfortunately those things do have something to do with it.

It would be nicer if they DIDN'T but they do. Research has shown that even babies are proven to be more drawn to attractive people.

So when OP described her DD, she was just pointing out there was nothing she could see which might make her a target. So no need to be agressive...it sounds like you're personally affected!

Starlight2345 Tue 10-Oct-17 15:05:55

My DS was bullied a kind boy who loves to please people..His biggest downfall. I took him to drama lessons to increase self esteem.

The big one I taught him was that not everyone is nice..If someone is been horrible go and play with someone else.

I would like to also be clear my DS is no way to blame. but I can't change the other children I can on;y equip him to deal with them.. I also went into school..It wasn't a debate did he want to.

I think the sweet and kind thing that stick out to me...You don't want her to lose that but Bullies pick on week people so if someone is not going to retaliate with words of physically it is far easier for her to pick on.

I agree give her some answers.. My DS is also very emotional...So I banned him from crying unless he hurt himself ( obviously I can't control this but he did try and keep it in ) I told him to save his tears for me. Mean words...Reply with "whatever etc" and walk away..Give no reaction.. These things have really helped..

Awwlookatmybabyspider Tue 10-Oct-17 15:07:19

Do not look for reasons. That's like giving the little shitheads a motive, and I have no problems with calling them shitheads because that's exactly what they are.
Theres no reason/excuse for bullying whatsoever.
What are the school doing about this.
Its gone on for 3 years. Is it not time they pulled their finger out now.

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