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AIBU?

Grandfather slated 12 year old girl

176 replies

littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:17

My sister has just been here sobbing.
I have never seen her so angry or upset, she could barely breathe and I am feeling really choked for her.

She was at my parents house and my df whom suffers from mild depression took it upon himself to rip into my niece whom is 12 yrs and very quiet and sensitive girl at the dinner table.
He commented on her weight, her hair (said it was greasy, it definitely isn't, she just styled it differently) he said he clothes look second hand from a charity shop (she was wearing ripped leggings which are fashionable these days) and said she was stupid and dumb. I am not sure how my sister got out of the house without a serious fall out, but she called me last night and has been here today, she is so distressed I don't know what to say to her.

I have since called my mum and she confirmed that it all happened, and she was crying and saying she thought df was just joking. Clearly this just isn't funny. My niece is mortified and wounded and refusing to see him again, she was already scared of him before as he has a temper and keeps screaming at the family dog. At this age you have to be so careful about eating disorders etc. She is really skinny already and def does not need to lose weight.

What can I say to my sister, my mum, should I speak to my Dad? My sister has just been through two major operations and has another one coming up, she has quite a few serious health problems. This is the last thing she needs. Any advice please - thanks

OP posts:

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Maddiemademe · 10/10/2017 13:19

So sorry for your poor DN. has you father done anything like this before? Is this new behaviour from him out of the blue or can he often be insulting to members of his family?

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 10/10/2017 13:20

Honestly? Your dad sounds like an unpleasant bully and in your dsis and niece’s place I’d either go NC or minimal contact.

littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:22

He really wasn't the best df when we were little, he used to hit us a lot and has always had a temper. We all had our dc together around the same time, and he was better then.
He puts my dm down all of the time, and is quite disrespectful but no, he has never gone for any of the gc like this ever. I am stunned and horrified by this tbh.

OP posts:

Rainatnight · 10/10/2017 13:24

Your niece needs to know, for her mental health and her future healthy relationships, that this behaviour is not acceptable. What's your sister going to do?

littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:24

givemyheadpeaceffs

My sister is furious and has no intention of seeing him again, but I know in reality she will find this hard to do.
I have dc the same age and now don't know whether I should follow suit.
Why would you say that to a 12 year child????

OP posts:

Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 13:25

IF that was my dd I would Never speak to him again.

It’s shocking enough that she was frightened of him before so it’s no surprise.

Do you need to contact the rspca about the dog? Please don’t let you horrible father treat it badly.

Acadia · 10/10/2017 13:26

He's an abuser. "Used to hit you a lot"? Temper? Yells at your mother, screams at animals? Verbally abuses a 12 year old girl?

Sounds like a monster, frankly. You've grown up with him so you minimise it as "just the way he is" or "not that bad really" but for those who grew up with normal, not-abuser parents, he is very very far from normal.

Men like this thrive on the power their abuse has given them as everyone is too afraid to do anything. The more of you who simply state you will be staying away (see your mother on your own terms in a location of your own choosing, without him) the safer you'll all be, and he can either put in a massive amount of effort to change or die alone.

Bananmanfan · 10/10/2017 13:26

You, your sister, mum (if she wants) and your niece should stick together. Tell your niece that you heard grandad was acting very strangely and aggresively and you are sorry it happened to her. As for your dad; he is no longer "head of the family" (or whatever shit he is telling himself to justify such appalling behaviour). He needs to be eating humble pie at the family table for a long time.

TomatoChutney · 10/10/2017 13:27

He's an abusive twat! Your poor dn

littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:28

rain I think it is bullying I have told my ds this. My dm is stuck in the middle and always has been. I know my df loves her, I am so shocked and upset, because he always says how much he loves them all, but then he has done this....I actually can't stop crying. I love my dn to bits, she was the first born of all the gc and it hurts me to think of her crying herself to sleep about this, she said she trusted her gf and he has basically taken her down.

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BarbarianMum · 10/10/2017 13:28

Ok so really he's acting pretty much in character. I'd totally back your niece in not wanting to see him again tbh and if your dsis feels the same, tell her you understand. You don't have to see him either you know, you can just see your mum separately. Might even be worth suggesting to your mum that she doesn't have to live like this either but be aware that she may find it very difficult to make a change. My mum separated from my dad last year age 75 - they now live separately but she can't bring herself to divorce him.

InsomniacAnonymous · 10/10/2017 13:28

Has your mother spoken to him about this behaviour or is she too scared of him?

Sparkletastic · 10/10/2017 13:28

The DC need to be protected from him.

GinIsIn · 10/10/2017 13:29

Christ there's no way I would be allowing my children near such a revolting and aggressive man. Why would your sister find it hard not to see this domineering prick?!

Theresamayscough · 10/10/2017 13:30

WAS it because she’s becoming woman? He sounds mysogynistic

Bananmanfan · 10/10/2017 13:30

Following your update, op, maybe you can help your mum get away & keep him at arm's length.

littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:32

acadia your post made me feel physically sick because you are right.

We have all got used to him over the years, we have all put up so much, and I am finding it really hard to confront him on this, even though I need to stand up to him because my ds is really fragile at the moment. I know she can't take much more of this, and definitely was on the receiving end of the worst of him when we were young.

Now he has started on the grandchildren this has to stop.

I am going to cut him out too. My dc are younger but would still be so hurt with comments like that.

OP posts:

Maddiemademe · 10/10/2017 13:32

I really believe in situations like this with both previous physical abuse and current emotional abuse, low contact or NC is the way forward.

It's awful when a parent forces this situation on their family because of their own vile behaviour. Is it something you would consider? I would keep DN away completely and if you have a close relationship with your DM then find ways of still seeing her, maybe outside of the home.

So sorry a child has had this abusivness aimed at her, especially at such an important age.

Maddiemademe · 10/10/2017 13:33

X Post, so glad you want to go NC, it will do you the world of good. I cut contact with my father years ago and the weight just lifted off me.

littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:35

My dn is developing in a very obvious way now, and so he chooses this moment to say these things....
she is already embarrassed about the changes and already looks quite awkward and this makes it so much worse for her. I am so angry. I am literally livid. I have a dd of similar age so I know how badly this will affect her.

I want to take my dm away from this so much. I hate to think what he is like at home. But she won't leave I know she won't.

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littlebird7 · 10/10/2017 13:38

dm has just texted me to ask whether I think it is right that my df calls and apologises to my dsis???

It is such a mess. The trust has now gone completely (if it ever existed). I don't think any of us can trust him around the dc now.

OP posts:

PNGirl · 10/10/2017 13:39

Your sister should stop seeing him and you should follow suit. He will do it again.

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Carouselfish · 10/10/2017 13:40

Reading your op and subsequent...
horrible comments....sounds horrible but may be onset of dementia
screams at dog?...maybe he's just horrible.
was a terrible father who shouted and hit?...yep he's an awful person. Steal the dog and don't have anything more to do with him.

DunkMeInTomatoSoup · 10/10/2017 13:41

What will your mother do if she is so ground down by him? If you all go NC with him, will she be honour bound to support him?

GrockleBocs · 10/10/2017 13:42

You can't save your dm :( but you can all circle your wagons around the gc, particularly dn. Seeing her mum and aunt publicly stand up and identify his behaviour as wrong and inexcusable would be good.
If your dm wants out you can help but it's going to be hard for her.
Will you be able to see her without him?

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