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To not invite FIL at xmas even though he'll be alone?

(289 Posts)
Keepingthexmaspeace1 Tue 10-Oct-17 12:16:24

Back story, me and FIL don't get along. We are civil and nice to each other and invite him to things etc but some of the things he's said are ones that will never ever be forgiven.

My family took him under their wing (MIL died 15 years ago) until eventually, last xmas the horrible things he said/did to me continued onto my family and they were fed up and said they no longer wanted him around as he was upsetting them all and no one could relax at family events for fear of who he was offending next.

The last straws were when he told my brothers wife she didn't know what she was talking about and to let him explain it in 'simple terms' and then proceeded to tell my grandmother after she'd spent all day cooking for him that his wife was a better cook than her and then told my sister to be quiet as the 'men were talking'

He gets angry about the fact he's not been invited in a few months, when he sees my mum says things like 'so you don't invite me anymore then', tells me that my family just don't understand him because he forgets we're a different 'breed' (he's very intelligent, as are my family but he doesn't seem to think so and thinks we're all idiots) he's never invited anyone to his house and constantly complains about my family!

Anyway, xmas has come up. For the last 6/7 years we've had him to my nans for the big family xmas but this year they've said they really don't want him there and tbh neither do I.

So my options are:

1- invite him anyway to keep the peace and deal with the fact that everyone will be miserable (this is what DH wants to do)

2- get one of his friends to invite him to theirs instead (we've asked BIL to invite him this year, he said no way and told FIL he was working - unlikely his friends will have him)

3- stay home and have xmas with just me, dp, ds and FIL and probably spend all day away from the family because I cannot be around him for that long but atleast the rest of my family don't have to suffer.

4- (my plan) he's invited for xmas eve dinner, tell him we will celebrate then with him and what he wants to do the next day is up to him and leave it as that.

I don't want to offend him, I know xmas is hard when your alone but he is really horrible. He's amazing with the kids and they love him and he has a great relationship with them but I just can't do it and it's ruining Christmas for me.

So AIBU to not invite him at xmas even though he's likely to be at home alone?

2014newme Tue 10-Oct-17 12:18:40

Option 4
Hrs lucky that there isn't an option 5 of tell him to do one

DartmoorDoughnut Tue 10-Oct-17 12:19:55

Why don't you want to offend him? Being old and alone is no excuse for being a rude twat. He has no problem with offending you!

Ifailed Tue 10-Oct-17 12:20:05

It's his problem, let him sort it out. Maybe he might spend the time pondering why he's alone at xmas?

Crunchymum Tue 10-Oct-17 12:20:08

So your DH is happy for his Dad to be rude and disrespectful to your family?

Had your DH ever stepped in and told his father not to be so bloody rude?

I suggest that you tell DH his Dad isn't invited and leave him to deal with it. Why should several people be miserable on Christmas Day to keep one person happy?

OrangeJulius Tue 10-Oct-17 12:20:57

YANBU. I have a badly behaved relative who spent Christmas alone last year. You reap what you sow.

5rivers7hills Tue 10-Oct-17 12:21:07

Invite him for Christmas Eve - too compromise.

Why should your family have to suffer him?? They aren't even related.

If he asks why he's not invited to your extended family things any more "because you speak without thinking and upset people".

<waits for everyone to suggest he might have undiagnosed autism>

5rivers7hills Tue 10-Oct-17 12:21:46

Good compromise. Not too compromise.

WineGummyBear Tue 10-Oct-17 12:22:10

Option 4 but without the 'what he wants to do the next day is up to him'. He's an adult and he knows that.

AnneLovesGilbert Tue 10-Oct-17 12:22:18

5 Stay at home and have xmas just you, DP and DS.

Where is DP when FIL is being rude to all of your family? If he doesn't try and tackle it, no wonder no one wants to spend time with him. He sounds like a sexist wanker and if I were your relative I wouldn't want to spend the day with you if you were bringing him along.

You're not obliged to spend time with anyone. Christmas with you isn't a given, or it should't be.

I see no reason why you can't spend it with your family and send DP round to see his Dad on xmas day if that's what he wants to do. But it might be easier to just have the 3 of you and not get into it.

livefornaps Tue 10-Oct-17 12:22:31

Well has any of this been communicated to him? Has anyone told him that these comments are unacceptable and upsetting ?

I would tell him straight: you either behave this year or next year you're on your own

MyrtleMaracas Tue 10-Oct-17 12:23:08

'He's amazing with the kids and they love him and he has a great relationship with them'

I would focus on this ^. Have him over for lunch or tea and whichever he comes to then do the opposite with your family. It's what most people do. Big combined days with both sides of the family are only great if everyone gets on.

Anecdoche Tue 10-Oct-17 12:24:01

tell him that they dont want him there because he is so rude.

why protect his feelings when he is happy to trample over everyone else's?

why is he the important one here?

tell him straight.

he can then either choose to be less of a twat and have a chance at being part of a family or he can suck it, frankly.

GummyGoddess Tue 10-Oct-17 12:24:24

Yes, option 5. Other than that your plan is best. Why should one ungrateful person ruin Christmas for everyone? I may also go with secret option number 6 and you go to your family and your dh can deal with his own father without inflicting him on others.

senua Tue 10-Oct-17 12:24:38

1- invite him anyway

How rude! I think it's up to your nan who she has in her house. She doesn't want him there.

Therealjudgejudy Tue 10-Oct-17 12:26:20

Like hell I'd upset my own family to pander to a rude disrespectful knob. Grow a backbone and stop letting this awful man ruin your family time. Why should you be miserable at Christmas because he's rude and your husband doesn't respect you or your families feelings? Come on...stop being a mug. Have a nice relaxing Christmas with your family, they sound lovely.

MorrisZapp Tue 10-Oct-17 12:28:28

What does your DP do when his father slags off your mum's cooking, and tells your sister to be quiet?

Sierra259 Tue 10-Oct-17 12:28:50

I would go with option 4 and if he queries why he isn't invited on Christmas day your DH can tell him exactly why. Another one here who can't believe that he hasn't pulled his dad up this sooner.

guilty100 Tue 10-Oct-17 12:29:10

Option 4 definitely. And if he says a word, a single word, I would give it to him with both barrels: "Frankly, your arrogance, rudeness, and superiority complex have alienated my entire family to the point that no-one wants to see you. Our doors were generously opened to you after MIL died, but that is not carte blanche for you to behave so disgracefully to those who are offering you kindness. Unless you are willing to apologise properly, we will not be seeing you for Christmas again".

gamerchick Tue 10-Oct-17 12:29:23

Why is this your problem? Tell your husband his dad isn’t welcome and he can sort him out.

Don’t invite him and tbh I don’t think I would pull any punches to why he isn’t neither.

BarbarianMum Tue 10-Oct-17 12:29:53

You can't "invite him anyway" because it's not your house.

Option 4 seems ideal. What does your dp say?

senua Tue 10-Oct-17 12:30:09

4- (my plan) he's invited for xmas eve dinner

This has the potential to go wrong. What if he comes up with some excuse which means that he won't leave, so he is still there Christmas morning. Do lunch or an earlier day or Boxing Day.

DeccaMitfordsEntryVisa Tue 10-Oct-17 12:32:05

Option 4

Being old is not an excuse to be rude and objectionable.

(I wouldn't invite him at all, but I suspect the OP is a nicer person than I am)

Sierra259 Tue 10-Oct-17 12:33:50

I would also get your DH to have words with your BIL. Your family have hosted their dad for the last 6/7 years. It's more than his turn to step up.

Em308 Tue 10-Oct-17 12:34:43

Am I reading correctly that he has another son who never hosts him???

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