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to think: ask a question in "Relationships" you already know the answer?

(25 Posts)
FrenchQuarter Tue 10-Oct-17 00:50:25

Not just talking about the threads here but my life experience. If you are asking, deep down you know the answer and it's always negative. I'm not talking about advice/discussion thread but those yes/no type question threads.

Sample questions on Relationships and the answers in your head even before you open the thread:

He doesn't love me does he? [no. if you felt love you wouldn't be asking]
Is he messing me around ? [yes of course or you wouldn't be asking]
Is he a player? [Yes of course why else would you be asking]
Is this manipulative or controlling? [Hell yes]
Are these red flags? [jesus mary YES!]

and so on.

The thing is if you even have to ask, it means there is a problem and the answer is exactly what you fear.

Fluffypinkpyjamas Tue 10-Oct-17 01:13:46


Sometimes I wonder why people even ask when it’s SO clear.

underthebluemoon Tue 10-Oct-17 01:27:45

Because it helps to talk about it? Because posters can't ask anyone in RL? Because their partner has them doubting themselves?

ZaphodBeeblerox Tue 10-Oct-17 01:27:46

Yeah, I was just thinking that too. But the support seems to mean something - or just seeing others relate their stories and how it plays out finally gives the OP a wake up call?

BriechonCheese Tue 10-Oct-17 01:29:43

I think sometimes you need people to agree with you to be sure you want to make the next move and it can be hard to discuss the situation with your friends and family.

Out2pasture Tue 10-Oct-17 01:52:32

Because most posts are not 100% legit?

TheVanguardSix Tue 10-Oct-17 02:12:34

Sometimes we just need validation. We can't always quite see the forest for the trees, especially if there's emotional abuse going on in a relationship. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 10-Oct-17 02:25:39

When I was with my ex, every now and then I would think, or say, “go and ask the first person you see on the street whether that behaviour is OK” because I thought his behaviour was not. But I was knee deep in it at that point. I wish MN had been there. I’d probably never have married him.

TheDowagerCuntess Tue 10-Oct-17 02:53:27

YANBU at all.

I think by the time someone is actually moved to start a thread, things are much worse than they'd even admit to.

My observation is that one piece of the puzzle will prompt the thread - but then Pandora's box opens over the course of the thread, and the myriad other issues come out.

Which is why you often get a lot of unperceptive people piling on in the beginning to tell people they're completely over-reacting - and that [doing /not doing inconsequential thing X] is really not a big deal - a matter to LTB over.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 10-Oct-17 02:54:08

I think some posters haven’t even articulated the problem, even to themselves) until they write it down here

abigailgabble Tue 10-Oct-17 05:17:06

Hate all those click baity titles

Worriedrose Tue 10-Oct-17 05:24:55

If only life were that simple and we could all go "oh this is shit, I should leave"
seems a bit of a bashing of people who need genuine help, as someone said, when you're knee deep it's not that easy really
Some empathy might be nice

Foslady Tue 10-Oct-17 07:04:03

If you've Lived with a situation for a long period of time what is a red flag can become seen as normal, so the realisation of a situation can mean that a validation is required.
Some forms of domestic abuse combine with gaslighting when you’re already browbeaten skews your mind to what is acceptable

Subtlecheese Tue 10-Oct-17 07:12:11

For me getting out of an abusive and controlling relationship was a gradual process tackling the self doubt was a big part of that. It doesn't have to be a controlling relationship for someone to doubt their own judgement.
There are reasons for this. What's the first piece of advice for people wanting to flag up dick behaviours in a friend's partner? Back off, don't threaten your friendship erg.
Other reasons are generally there are ok days, even nice times every once in a while and most days are mundane getting on with life.
It's easy to try and "balance plus and negatives. When really those negatives stand alone and should be a clear message.

honeylulu Tue 10-Oct-17 07:15:51

The posts that strike me most are ones that initially seem to be a fairly minor gripe about housework, childcare or lie in but unravel to show a much bigger problem and several pages later the OP had confirmed that she is going to end the relationship (or wants to).
The thing about many unhappy relationships is that the OP had been in a bubble - unhappy but that has become "normal". It's only when (s)he tests the water with an isolated issue that the whole story, and the reciprocal validations from PPs emerge.

tinytemper66 Tue 10-Oct-17 09:16:15

Cathartic maybe?

Sancerresanwine Tue 10-Oct-17 09:19:22

I'd never have worked out my ex was controlling and abusive if it wasn't for mn. Probably saved my life.

Sancerresanwine Tue 10-Oct-17 09:20:16

For which I am eternally grateful flowers

PurpleMinionMummy Tue 10-Oct-17 09:28:31

Yabu and harsh.

You can only see those things so clearly because you are not in the situation yourself and can maintain an objective outlook on it.

Sometimes people just need reassurance it's not them being silly.

Sometimes people need a lot of reassurance it's not them being silly because emotional abuse makes them believe they are the ones at fault.

Sometimes people are surrounded by others who all hold the same view, even if that view is wrong to the majority of others, so will not get such good advice in their rl family/friend circle.

redexpat Tue 10-Oct-17 09:36:47

Sometimes you need to work things through, and if you cant afford a counsellor, and you have rubbish friends and family with limited understanding of control issues then it's another method to arrive at a conclusion.

MargaretTwatyer Tue 10-Oct-17 09:51:58

YABU. Most posters on Relationships have an extremely negative view of relationships and that's the position they work from.

It's like that 'we've been there so we know the signs' stuff they always come out with. Forgets to put the bins out and snaps at you because you were back seat driving? That's the beginning of a pattern of abuse. They know the signs. What they seem to forget though, is that although in the abusive relationship they were in it was the start of a pattern of abuse the same things happen in perfectly well functioning relationships and it never turns into abuse. Some 'red flags' are just people not being rays of sunshine 100% of the time and just being human.

Some women think their partners are cheating because they are paranoid and controlling.

Some women think they're not loved because they have terrible self esteem.

However all these women would be told on relationships that they were heading for major trouble.

Laiste Tue 10-Oct-17 09:55:20

Sometimes you just need to hear it from someone else.

If your self confidence is on the floor you doubt your own judgement.

thecolonelbumminganugget Tue 10-Oct-17 09:59:51

With most things in life people often just need the confidence of someone else confirming what they already know. A trivial example is me running things past my boss before I act, I'm a subject matter specialist with qualifications and years of experience, of course i know what the answer is but there could be alternative interpretations and whilst I have considered those I have come to a conclusion, sometimes if it's a big decision, it's good to have someone concur with your thought process. I imagine this is even more so when it's a life changing decision such as leaving a partner especially when your confidence is likely at rock bottom.

TheDowagerCuntess Tue 10-Oct-17 18:35:41

I disagree Margaret - there are a lot of women on MN in relationships with nice, kind, normal, decent, caring, able-bodied men - who read about some of the utter shit other women put up with, and respond on that basis.

Not on the basis of having an extremely negative view of relationships. Quite the opposite, in fact.

The idea of putting up with a fraction of the crap some men deal out is what prompts many posters on MN to tell women to get out. They can do a hell of a lot better - there is a lot better out there, and they deserve it as much as anyone. It can also be a lightbulb moment that being single is far, far preferable to putting up with the mental (and sometimes physical) hardship of a crap relationship.

sinceyouask Tue 10-Oct-17 18:41:40

Nope. I've asked a question here under another name and there really was nothing to worry about.

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