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AIBU?

Nursing Home - Furious

145 replies

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:21

My mother is in a nursing home as she has dementia and 3 weeks ago suffered a stroke that has affected her very badly and is now extremely vulnerable.

In the last week her TV remote has gone missing 3 times and we have had to ask the staff to find it/a replacement as it was no where to be seen. There is a new man in the room opposite and the remote has been found by staff in his room before.

We have now taken to hiding it in her underwear drawer to keep it safe/so no one knows where it is when we aren't around.

Today as I was in the car park leaving, the new man's daughter told me she had 'nipped into' my mum's room to 'borrow the remote' and had gone rooting around in her underwear drawer to find it. I was too stunned at the time to say anything but on my drive home I've got more and more angry.

I would never dream of entering a vulnerable person's (or anyones!) room and rifling through their things, private things. I feel furious that my mother lay in bed, potentially frightened at the sight of some stranger going through her things and completely incapable of stopping her.

Not only the privacy factor, but the safeguarding issue. You aren't allowed in other residents rooms, so if this is going on, anything could be happening when I'm not there which is extremely upsetting.

I'm about to compose an email to the manager as I want the daughter spoken to about how unacceptable this is in a more official capacity than just me saying something. I want to be calm and stick to the facts...just wanted to make sure emotion isn't taking over and I'm not BU?

OP posts:

Report

Steeley113 · 09/10/2017 19:23

Not being unreasonable at all, if I caught a relative at work doing this, I would be telling them not to.

TheNext · 09/10/2017 19:23

Yanbu. This is awful, entitled behaviour. This lady is treating your mother as an object. I would be hugely upset. I hope you and your dm are okay

Redglitter · 09/10/2017 19:23

You're definitely NBU. How dare they even enter your mum's room let alone go rooting around her stuff. That's outrageous. You're totally right to complain

Subtlecheese · 09/10/2017 19:24

No that is awful and must have been terrifying for your mother.

RoderickRules · 09/10/2017 19:24

Ask the home for their complaints policy/procedure.
Start from there.

MrsNai · 09/10/2017 19:26

YANBU as it is unacceptable and not only jopardises your mother's sense of security but also sets a precedent for things being 'borrowed'.

I would compose an email, pause and read it as calmly as possible then send it. In addition on your next visit ask to speak to the duty manager for an update as regards action taken.

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:29

I just actually can't believe she said it to my face. I know if 3 other occassions where it's gone missing. She said she'd only done it the once, but it makes me wonder if someone saw her earlier and thats why she told me? She also should have no idea it was hidden in a drawer

I almost feel silly for being as effected as I am, but my poor mother until 3 weeks ago would have been perfectly capable of defending herself and now....It's all just gutting and this today is effecting me a lot. I'd never in a million years do this to that woman's father. She's a HCP as well, so I expect better

OP posts:

ottersHateFeminists · 09/10/2017 19:30

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, you just sound it when you talk about "the safeguarding issue".

TheCatsMother99 · 09/10/2017 19:31

reallynot, you'd be completely justified in making a formal complaint.

JamPasty · 09/10/2017 19:31

That is appalling behaviour! Definitely complain

JamPasty · 09/10/2017 19:32

And it is a bloody safeguarding issue if randoms can walk into other residents' rooms and steal stuff!

EEandEmakes3 · 09/10/2017 19:34

Who the hell does she think she is to enter someone's room like that! You're absolutely right to be annoyed. Put your foot down & complain, this is not acceptable.

Iceland22 · 09/10/2017 19:35

Hi, I work in the care sector, this is totally unacceptable. Speak to the manager of the home and ask for it to be recorded as a safeguarding incident which needs to be notified to the local authority. If they don't do this then report directly to the local authority. Also, make a formal, written complaint.
Who runs the home? Is it a large organisation or small firm?
This should not be happening. I'd be tempted to threaten to report to the police as theft and trespass.
It makes my blood boil, I would not allow this in my care settings.

CardsforKittens · 09/10/2017 19:35

That's really awful. Yes, you should certainly complain. Your poor mother.

purplecollar · 09/10/2017 19:35

I've worked in nursing homes and I think that's unacceptable. Put it in writing to the home manager. I think I would also tell the woman when I saw her - please can you not go into my dm's room and take her things.

There's a very easy solution which is for her to get a remote for him. Fancy taking one off somebody who's not able to object and not able to retrieve it.

MarthaArthur · 09/10/2017 19:38

Thats awful Op. Please do include that in your letter as its such a breach of privacy and safety. They cant be allowing people to go into her room and take her possesions. It also leaves her vulnerable to otger residents entering her room. Hope shes ok and not too distressed by it.

MarthaArthur · 09/10/2017 19:39

I also used to be a carer of a well respected home and made a few complaints like this as well. Its unacceptable.

honeyroar · 09/10/2017 19:40

Tell the home, they'll have a word with the woman.. That's dreadful behaviour on her part. She's obviously asked your mum to borrow it and been told, by your confused mum, that it's in the drawer. You should have said to her there and then that it wasn't acceptable, but I can see why you didn't. The home need to seriously pull her up on that though.

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:40

Thank you for all the replies. It helps to hear it from other people that I'm not being OTT. We've had other issues with the home, but there is a new manager who is really trying her best to sort the place out.

Iceland22, that's really helpful to know what terminology to use, thank you. It's a large company who run the home. Would the police be appropriate? I don't want to look like I'm overreacting but we're all very fragile at the moment and spending every waking hour trying to get her better without having to deal with things like this

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 09/10/2017 19:42

Obviously you should complain.
But the childish part of me wants to suggest wandering into her home and borrowing anything you fancy.

ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:42

Purplecollar - that's exactly what has upset me so much. The entitlement and the abuse of 'power' over my mother not being able to stick up for herself/move/speak. Her father is also a dementia sufferer...how she can think it's acceptable is mind blowing to me

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 09/10/2017 19:42

Wow. Some people are deluded! I almost admire her gall Hope the manager isn't useless!

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ReallyNotHappy76 · 09/10/2017 19:44

Honeyroar - that's definitely not the case. I wish it was. It is worse - my mother is incapable of moving from the bed and unable to speak. She also was unaware that it was even in the drawer, so this woman has taken it upon herself to go rooting through my mother's things as she watches on incapacitated

OP posts:

OVienna · 09/10/2017 19:44

not u AT ALL. Send 'em to the moon!

NorthernLurker · 09/10/2017 19:44

Hit the roof.

Then hit it some more.

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