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To not bother with friends baby

(29 Posts)
Gimmeareason Mon 09-Oct-17 10:12:08

We've been friends for 10 years.

Shes entirely self obsessed to the point that she doesnt have any other friends.

This was made so much worse during her pregnancy when she literally stopped giving a shit about anything other than her pregnancy. I was going through a really difficult time but her pregnancy was all we talked about. Any mention of my issues and suddenly we were back on her pregnancy.

She gave birth last month and i havent given her a present or been to see her or her daughter.

She lives a 4 hour train ride away.

I feel terrible because im her only friend but equally the train ticket would be really expensive and shes shown zero interest in my life or how a fairly complex sotuation i was in was or wasnt resolved.

I feel like now she has a baby her self centredness will only get worse but i just feel guilty

MatildaTheCat Mon 09-Oct-17 10:15:24

You are probably right but don't come over as very kind. Has she been begging you to visit? Don't ghost her, if you are literally her only friend at least be kind and explain its too far, too expensive and you have had x problems yourself.

Gimmeareason Mon 09-Oct-17 10:20:17


Unfortunately its just a fact and whilst it may sound unkind, there arent a hundred different ways to say "i have a friend who has never shown much interest in anyone but herself".

Lottapianos Mon 09-Oct-17 10:21:55

Its really difficult when friends have babies, particularly if their pregnancy and then baby become the centre of the universe and they show no interest in you or in anything else. It sounds like this person has always been pretty self-centred and you feel that the arrival of her baby will make this even worse.

Sometimes friendships run their course OP. How about sending a card and small gift to acknowledge the baby's arrival? Could you do a phonecall or WhatsApp chat to test the water? If she is still showing no interest in you then feel free to step away from the friendship. You may be her only friend but you are not responsible for her

Ploppie4 Mon 09-Oct-17 10:22:41

ID probably send her a card and let her get on with it

ThePeanutGallery Mon 09-Oct-17 10:22:49

Has she invited you over? If she hasn't, it's a bit of a moot point.

Morphene Mon 09-Oct-17 10:23:44

its always possible that giving birth has shaken her into some awareness beyond herself. I agree its more likely to go the other way, but I think its worth proving it!

So one last attempt then move on.

PhuntSox Mon 09-Oct-17 11:19:48

I agree, one last attempt. I'd send a card, maybe a voucher, and greatly reduce both my expectations of her and time spent with her unless she initiates.

PinkHeart5914 Mon 09-Oct-17 11:24:15

Has she actually invited you over? If she has invited welll you just say “unfortunately it’s too far to travel and I don’t have the funds right now”

I’d probably post a new baby card though, not expensive and requires minimal effort really

BlueSapp Mon 09-Oct-17 11:25:20

Thats Hard, maybe you should just tell her how you feel, what've you got to lose.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Mon 09-Oct-17 11:25:51

I'm going in the opposite direction to the other posters. I wouldn’t bother. I never see the point of falling out with others though; just let contact drift. Baby or no baby, self-obsessed people are ones I don’t need in my life. If it makes you feel any better you and she are at different stages in your lives and this could be seen as a natural drifting apart.

RoseWhiteTips Mon 09-Oct-17 11:27:25

It's not the baby's fault, though. Poor thing.

Allthewaves Mon 09-Oct-17 11:28:39

Send a card and a present

RoseWhiteTips Mon 09-Oct-17 11:28:46

But yes, self-obsessed people are draining, I agree. Sometimes though it's part of a condition. Doesn't make it easy...

AnotherShirtRuined Mon 09-Oct-17 11:50:11

It's not the baby's fault, though. Poor thing.

True. But I'm fairly sure a month old baby won't mind either way smile

Perhaps follow PPs' advice and send a card and a token gift. At least you will know you tried everything and took the moral high road re baby.

LadyFlangeWidget Mon 09-Oct-17 11:51:49

Send a card and present. She'll come back to you in a year or so when baby novelty has worn off...

Lovemusic33 Mon 09-Oct-17 11:52:55

she doesn't have anyone else I wonder why this is? Probably because she's self centred and people get fed up with her.

You shouldn't visit her just because you feel sorry for her, if she showed more interest in other people then maybe she would have more friends and people would want to spend time with her.

Just tell her your really busy with your own life.

Madbum Mon 09-Oct-17 11:55:08

Send something for the baby and then just let contact drift to nothing.

livefornaps Mon 09-Oct-17 11:57:24

You might feel differently when you meet the baby.

unfortunateevents Mon 09-Oct-17 11:59:18

I would send a card and gift and let things drift after that. She must have a fairly sad life if you, a four hour train ride away, are really her only friend. However, now that she will presumably get involved in baby groups she will probably meet a bunch of people who are all busy talking about their offspring so a) (being horrible here) they may all be so self-obsessed they don't notice she is talking only about herself/her baby because they are doing the same thing or b) hopefully, she will make some friends who are local and with whom she has babies in common. I think this friendship has run its course.

TipsNotHacks Mon 09-Oct-17 12:00:29

I completely agree with SloeSloe. I was in a similar situation; long term friend, shows no interest but expects the world.. I just drifted away and she has got the hint I think. Friends are meant to enhance your life, sometimes you support, sometimes you're supported. It shouldn't be one sided. It's not your responsibility to maintain this friendship. Sod her.

BadTasteFlump Mon 09-Oct-17 12:01:18

I would just leave it and let it drift, since it seems your friendship has run its course anyway..

JustHereForThePooStories Mon 09-Oct-17 12:01:48

Is her name Phyllis?

guilty100 Mon 09-Oct-17 12:02:44

Some people are very "me, me, me".

I have a friend who recently confessed to me that I was her only mate. But that's because she's so self-centred that everything is always all about her. I'm just the only mug who puts up with it, everyone else has made their excuses and walked out of her life. I would walk away if I were you.

ifonly4 Mon 09-Oct-17 12:04:40

I think you have to decide long term if this is a friendship worth fighting for. If you think there's still something there and you care about her as a friend, you could even speak to her about how you're feeling. She may be hurt but not realise how she's been and she may have issues with the friendship herself. That way you either both try and work it out, if it all falls about after that then it shows it's not right for either/both of you.

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