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Thinking of not attending friends' wedding

(52 Posts)
Magicnumbers Mon 09-Oct-17 09:40:49

Reluctantly, I don't think we should attend my DHs friends' wedding.

DH works offshore for weeks at a time. We now know that he will be away during the wedding, but he could arrange to come back (at around £1.5k of our own expense) for the day itself, then travel back the next day. It's 16 hours each way. But DH is really close to his friend.

Wedding is literally the other side of the UK so it's a flight for me. Children are not invited and we have 2 under 7. There are no family or friends in the area so no babysitters. We respect their decision on children and I suggested that DH goes alone. DH wants me there too.

DH wants my elderly DPs to have the DCs. I don't think that it is fair to ask them- my DF is not well. DH then suggests asking my sister to come with us and babysit while we go.

This all seems OTT to me- the costs for bringing sister would bring it up to well over 2k for all our travel and accommodation.

My judgement is clouded though, because really I just think DH should decline and say that we would love to pay for them to come and see us, or we go to see them another time. They are close, but it's not like he's a best man or they see each other much.

AIBU to feel that it's not fair or proportionate for me/DCs/sister to come down for 24 hours? Oh, and it's a weekend during term time so it would literally be flying down that morning and returning Sunday for us...

CuppaSarah Mon 09-Oct-17 09:42:35

No way would I consider going. But that's the risk people who want child free weddings run. I'm sure they understand not everyone can travel, leaving young children with relatives.

ShirleyPhallus Mon 09-Oct-17 09:43:05

Don't go. Easy decision.

CaptainHammer Mon 09-Oct-17 09:43:22

It’s a shame to miss a wedding you’d like to go to but if I was in the same situation I wouldn’t be going! Far too much money/time to spend.

Subtlecheese Mon 09-Oct-17 09:44:19

That's ridiculous. If they know He's away It's a invite so as not to cause offence but no reasonable friend would expect that sort of effort.

justforthisthread101 Mon 09-Oct-17 09:45:01

If it's a really close friend, I can understand the 1.5k for him to come back to go, but you going is madness.

19lottie82 Mon 09-Oct-17 09:45:01

God, no. That sounds horrendous, and if I were the bride / bridegroom no way would I expect you to make it, given the circumstances.

AlternativeTentacle Mon 09-Oct-17 09:45:27

£2k for a wedding? Come on love. Unless you have £2k sitting around with nowhere to be spent, in which case you'd just do it surely and not have to ask, then this is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on someone else's wedding.

2014newme Mon 09-Oct-17 09:47:35

Don't go.

Northernlass99 Mon 09-Oct-17 09:47:45

Just politely say no. Don't pay for them to come and see you. Yes say you would like to see them sometime in the future. You don't have to go, and maybe they even realise how hard it would be for you but invited you anyway to be polite. As they always say on here, its an invitation not a summons.

Faithless Mon 09-Oct-17 09:47:58

I agree with other posters. Just say he's away on that date and invite them to come and stay with you another time. That way you will get more quality time with the friends - you may only actually spend 5 minutes in their company at the wedding, you could point that out to your DH and suggest he uses their future visit as a time to properly re connect.

SingingMySong Mon 09-Oct-17 09:51:06

I think I'm with you. You are prepared to go quite a long way but the number of hurdles on this mean you all attending would be disproportionate. Even your DH attending... I think he could reasonably decline on the same grounds, perhaps just saying it's not possible to get out of work.

I am perhaps in a minority here but I also disagree with asking relatives to give up their whole weekend to come and babysit non-invited children in a hotel. My parents would babysit for us but I would never ask them to schlep halfway across the country for it.

Magicnumbers Mon 09-Oct-17 09:54:41

Singing, I agree. I am really uncomfortable with leaving my children behind, but probably more uncomfortable with bringing my sister like some sort of hired help!

Myheartbelongsto Mon 09-Oct-17 09:56:29

Let him go and you stay home. Sorted.

BillBrysonsBeard Mon 09-Oct-17 10:08:10

Don't go, it's not worth it at all. Only if 2k is pocket change to you.

glitterlips1 Mon 09-Oct-17 10:09:08

No. I would rather spend the 2k on taking my children away on a small holiday. I think you have very reasonable reasons as to why it would be difficult to attend anyway.

just5morepeas Mon 09-Oct-17 10:11:46

Don't go, just state all the reasons you don't think it's a good idea and don't go.

Your dh might want you there but he can't make you go. Just tell him you're really sorry you can't go and you hope he has a great time if he decides to go.

If you did give in and find a way to accompany him you'd only resent it and have a horrible time.

unfortunateevents Mon 09-Oct-17 10:12:59

I think the childcare is a side issue here. Unless you are very comfortably off, spending £1.5k just to get to a wedding is absolutely crazy! I get that you husband would like to attend but I'm sure your friends would actually be embarrassed if they realised the amount of effort and expense which had gone into attending.

Ilovetolurk Mon 09-Oct-17 10:13:39

If I was the friend I would understand why you didn't go

RideOn Mon 09-Oct-17 10:14:01

I think there is too much conspiring against you to attend!

Arrange a weekend "to look at wedding photos", sometime your DH is off work, and bring DCs/arrange childcare and stay near where they live and have a lovely weekend instead. They will be glad to have someone to show as no-one will be interested in the wedding by then (except maybe their parents) and you can use the large amount of change left over to buy them dinner!

RideOn Mon 09-Oct-17 10:14:48

* change from 2k

guilty100 Mon 09-Oct-17 10:15:48

It sounds like far too much effort for you all to go. Can your DH go by himself? I would be explaining that the travel costs are £1.5k and telling the couple not to expect a present!!

Mammyloveswine Mon 09-Oct-17 10:21:53

My husband's twin brother works offshore and actually missed our wedding! He was due to be back the day before but due to weather was delayed going out and had to go out on the day of our wedding... it was sad he couldn't be there (especially for my sil and pils) but we fully understood.

It doesn't sound feasible for you to attend tbh so u don't think yabu at all

GwenStaceyRocks Mon 09-Oct-17 10:27:34

Why is your DH so keen to attend?
It's obvious you don't want to go but the fact you're considering it implies that your DH does want to go and doesn't consider the £2k to be too much money. For me, it would depend on how close DH is to the groom and how often he proposes spending £2k to go to a wedding. If this is a rare occurrence then the groom means more to him than you think.The fact your DH wants to put so much effort in, implies this wedding is important to him.

mindutopia Mon 09-Oct-17 10:27:46

I think you are being perfectly reasonable. Generally, we don't do these childfree weddings. We similarly have no childcare outside of school hours except at our home (but not overnights). We have family who could help us (no relationship with my ILs, my family lives overseas an 11 hour flight away, on rare occasion, we have planned their visits for a weekend when we needed to be somewhere for a night, but obviously the flight is like 1500 quid, they can't just pop over for a night). We don't have a nanny who travels with us. We have a family friend who can babysit locally up until 11pm at the absolute latest (she is older and needs to get home as she can't safely drive too late). We've never had a local wedding though, they've all been at least 3 hours away.

It's just not possible to do these childfree weddings. It's obviously anyone's choice to plan their wedding how they wish, but no one can get upset if it's not possible for people with children to attend. We had one last year that was dh's best friend. He was the best man so he had to attend. But it was in Ireland! (We live in the UK). There was just no way we could find someone who would stay with our dd for a whole weekend while we flew off to another country or who we could afford to bring with us. Plus, he was in the wedding and we wouldn't get to see each other all weekend nor sit together at the wedding. I didn't even know anyone else who was attending as many local friends couldn't make the trip and would have spent the wedding breakfast sitting at a table with a bunch of strangers. No way. Not worth all that money.

I think work alone is a perfectly reasonable reason to miss a wedding. We couldn't attend one this past year because my dh had to be working away that weekend. Never mind the childcare issues. But at that sort of expense, no way would I be doing it. Make plans to do something special with them when they get back from their honeymoon and get them a lovely gift and card.

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