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How to encourage my daughter to look after her daughter?

(116 Posts)
Tirednanny Mon 09-Oct-17 01:43:00

Ahh I'm up again after getting my granddaughter back to sleep and I'm getting more and more fed up with the situation I'm in.
I have two daughters (they are 10 years apart) my youngest is only 19 and 4 months ago gave birth to my wonderful granddaughter. It has been a very difficult time my daughter hid her pregnancy from everyone while she was away at uni and I was devastated she couldn't confide in me or her sister. She admitted that she drank and smoke throughout the pregnancy and just hoped it would all go away. She has always been very immature for her age and I was understandably very worried about the situation. So she came home and was planning on transferring to the local uni and told me she was ready to do so and had it all in place. She completely lied to me again and has stayed at a her original uni 100 miles away!!! She originally told me she only had to go one day a week and would do distance learning yet another lie as she goes two or three times a week leaving me to look after my granddaughter. Even when she is at home I am the one looking after her. I'm starting to feel really angry with the situation I've been out in. On a Friday I have always picked up my oldest grandson (my other daughter has two boys the youngest who is disabled) from school he enjoys having one to one time as understandably his brother needs a lot of care and attention from his mum and dad. I love my Fridays with him, this Friday while I was at work in the morning my youngest daughter asked if I could pick up granddaughter from nursery as she wasn't feeling well. I said I would after I had got grandson from school. I get home with both children and youngest daughter informs me she is feeling much better and has had the best treatment done on her eyebrows. I was absolutely furious to say the least and the resentment is starting to build from her selfish ways. I keep encouraging her to look after her daughter as she won't make any bottles(when I reused she went out and bought cartons of ready made) she doesn't ever pick her up leaves her in her cot to cry and I can't stand it so always go to get her. She was the one who said she wanted this baby despite not wanting the father involved. However she is not looking after her at all I am. I didn't choose this and I'm getting older and tired. I don't know what to do as I don't want my granddaughter to be neglected and I fear she would if I left my youngest daughter on her own to cope.

BlueSapp Mon 09-Oct-17 01:57:20

Yaoundé like she may have pnd I’d have a word with the gp

SenoritaViva Mon 09-Oct-17 02:08:46

What an awful situation. Why isn't your DD based at her uni with her?

They don't sound like they've bonded at all. Would putting her up for adoption ever be considered?

JeanSeberg Mon 09-Oct-17 02:53:49

Could you confide in your daughter's health visitor and appraise her of the actual situation?

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders Mon 09-Oct-17 03:44:57

Sounds as if your daughter hasn't bonded with her baby at all and may have postnatal depression: She needs early help asap if she is to have any kind of relationship with her daughter. Please speak to the GP and health visitor urgently.

Sunnyjac Mon 09-Oct-17 07:04:25

Perhaps social services could be involved? Not to remove your granddaughter but to offer support to you both? Also agree that maybe your daughter needs to see gp for depression and extra support to bond with her baby. I guess a lot of mothers bond during pregnancy by rubbing their bellies and talking to the baby but your daughter didn’t so is maybe still in denial a bit? The main thing is that this can’t go on indefinitely. Good luck xx

Bluelonerose Mon 09-Oct-17 07:17:18

I think you need to have a bit of tough love with her.
I completly understand you wanting to help. 19 is still a child. I had ds1 at 18 and you are just not ready for a baby.

Suggest going to the Drs with her as pp have said it sounds like she hasn't bonded with her dd. When those feelings don't come (unfortunately I had that with dd)
You just don't want to do anything with them.

I wish you luck hope your daughter gets the help she needs. flowers

BoomBoomBoomBoooom Mon 09-Oct-17 07:23:57

Your granddaughter deserves better. Would you consider having her adopted? So she would have another who loves and cherishes her instead of a selfish child?

In the meantime I would stop supporting your daughter financially if you are. How is she affording to go out and have treatments? It doesn't sound like she works.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 09-Oct-17 07:28:37

I would say parenting classes but I don’t know if she’d fit it in with her studies. I’ve read on here that universities are very supportive in these situations. I don’t know if you can get her to talk to the university and see what help they can offer. I doubt they’d talk to you as she’s an adult.

5rivers7hills Mon 09-Oct-17 07:28:46

I think your DD needs to take a grown up look at options. If she doesn't want the child, is adoption an answer?

MGKROCKS Mon 09-Oct-17 07:52:42

I know with my kids now adults ,they are lazy sods if they can get away with it..I wonder if she knows if she does nothing ,you will do it.i know what you mean about the crying..I rush to sooth a crying baby too..maybe try to be busy ,try to step back, the baby in her needs to be..try doing less for baby and hopefully mum will step up....I do think dad should be involved

makeourfuture Mon 09-Oct-17 08:37:29

I do think dad should be involved


Jellycatspyjamas Mon 09-Oct-17 09:19:27

I see a young woman trying to keep her life as it was without her baby - given she hid her pregnancy and said she just hoped it would go away, I'm not surprised she's struggling. You sound quite angry with her tbh and I wonder if you've already done more than you want to help her.

Have you talked to her about what her hopes are for her and her baby? If she wants to stay in uni what are her plans for childcare, are you helping her more than your other daughter and if so can you pull back a bit so it evens up? Definitely worth seeing her GP or maybe looking at counselling for her - parenthood is a huge shock to the system when you've planned for it and are in a good place, even more so when you didn't plan for it.

specialsubject Mon 09-Oct-17 09:36:21

It may be pnd, or she may simply not want the baby and not have the guts to do anything about it. And why should she when the pieces are being picked up?

The kid will have to go for adoption. Shame on your daughter who has brought an unwanted child into the world and won't step up.

SomedayMyPrinceWillCome Mon 09-Oct-17 09:38:51

Who pays for the nursery? Please don't think I'm being a bitch, genuine question. Your daughter is at uni 100 miles away & travelling there 3 times a week, this is also expensive? Are you also financially responsible for your new granddaughter?

GingerAndTheBiscuits Mon 09-Oct-17 09:43:55

I am flabbergasted that people are suggesting adoption for this child. Like it's a piece of piss to hand a human being over and potentially never see or hear from them again.

Anecdoche Mon 09-Oct-17 09:48:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MomToWedThorFriday Mon 09-Oct-17 09:49:43

This is awful!! The amount of people saying ‘just give the child up for adoption’ and yet yesterday a MNer was absolutely destroyed because ‘you can’t just surrender a pet because you wouldn’t just adopt out an unwanted child’ well apparently you would angry

OP I suspect your daughter has severe PND, following from AND and as mentioned didn’t and doesn’t want her daughter sad That’s horrible, but it doesn’t mean you have to put a baby up for adoption. I would contact the HV and GP and ask for support - point out what you’ve said here. Speak to your DD to point out how she’s failing and that if she can’t step up people will take it out of her hands. It sounds like she’s sticking her fingers in her ears shouting ‘la la la’ to try and make something that’s overwhelming her go away. Babies don’t just go away.

bridgetreilly Mon 09-Oct-17 09:50:11

You need to sit down and talk with her seriously. Point out that this is her baby, not yours. Explain that you are willing to support and help but there are limits. Decide what your limits are and tell her. Everything else is up to her. Show a little bit of tough love. If you can't bear to hear the baby cry, why not go out for a bit and let her deal with it?

Anecdoche Mon 09-Oct-17 09:50:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Clandestino Mon 09-Oct-17 09:51:13

If you love your granddaughter to the extent that you don't want to separate from her, why don't you apply for the custody?
Her mother clearly doesn't care.

Madbum Mon 09-Oct-17 09:51:18

She doesn’t want her, she hid her pregnancy told lies in order not to face her situation and now is avoiding caring for her child.
You need to sit her down and make it clear that you can’t take responsibility for the baby, she either needs to contact the baby’s dad or you will have to, then social services if the dad won’t step up either and if you really cannot face being a parent again which no one could blame you for, you’re just coming to the end of your parenting, another 20 years is not a small thing to commit to.
It’s a difficult situation but the baby’s needs must come first, someone needs to do the right thing for her. If that means her going to her Dad or being adopted that process needs to start now while she is still a baby as it will only be harder for her and you as she becomes older.

RoboticMary Mon 09-Oct-17 09:54:26

Oh, I do feel for your daughter, as this was me many years ago. Same situation - I was at uni, terrified of telling my family, and went into a state of utter denial - my mental health was atrocious at the time. Looking back on it now, I hardly understand myself. I was a walking zombie. I couldn't make good decisions for myself and so desperately needed my parents help. I thought I was mature enough to go to uni on another city, far away from my family, and I wasn't. I had no clue how to help myself and couldn't do it alone.

I don't underestimate how hard it is for you, either - it must have been a huge shock, and you're trying your best to help her now, which is wonderful. I will be forever grateful to my parents. I didn't go back to uni for a year - I moved back with DD, and although my mum was always there if I needed her, it was made clear to me at that time that my priority was taking care of DD. Uni could wait. It was too much for me to do both. My mum tried her best to make sure I enjoyed the early days as much as possible. She organised professional photos, bought me scrapbooks, and organised counselling for me, which I desperately needed.

And fifteen years on, I've never been happier - it could have been so different if I'd been left to my own devices, but my mum knew I was in no state to make good decisions and made them for me.

I suppose I would recommend counselling as a priority, and perhaps putting uni on the back burner while she adjusts to being a mum, if that's an option? I would say perhaps her actions seem selfish at the moment, but she's struggling underneath, still in denial and can only carry on as she did before, as she doesn't know how else to cope - I know it sounds bizarre, but that was my thought process at the time. That I could just pretend nothing had changed.

All the stress and unhappiness I put my parents through, and they still pulled me through the darkest time in my life - your daughter and granddaughter are so lucky to have your love and support.

StopCopyingMyUsername Mon 09-Oct-17 09:54:27

Ginger's right the sudden rush to 'child has to be adopted' is horrible. This is the OP's granddaughter you're telling her to just give up ffs

MrsJayy Mon 09-Oct-17 09:55:11

You can't encourage her to do anything you can only change what you do, you need to tell her that a serious conversation has to happen about this little baby or you are going to be mum are you prepared to take her on fulltime because your daughter doesn't care enough.

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