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AIBU?

To think this is unnecessary.

118 replies

R2G · 09/10/2017 01:06

BIL has come into some money. Wants to give his ex a substantial amount because she has his kids and lives in rented accom. My sister has lived with him for years. Some money is going to house renovations on there house. However he always said that he would get married it was just a money issue. Now he is saying marriage was never important and he hasn't got it as giving it away to ex. My DS has taken them on holiday each year etc too. AIBU to think he should be putting his current partner first? He already pays maintenance, half towards everything, childcare etc so it's not that his ex and children are not supported.

OP posts:

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HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 09/10/2017 01:10

Yabu and is your DS. If he wants to give the majority of the money to his kids that's what he should do.

R2G · 09/10/2017 01:14

DS doesn't object to spending money on the children, but why can't it be spent from within their family? He's saying he'd like to see ex take the children on hol... bit why not do that himself with my DS so she can have the benefit too?

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Butterymuffin · 09/10/2017 01:18

Hmm, I think he's now having to find another excuse not to get married since his first one's been blown out of the water. The question is how your sister feels about that idea.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 09/10/2017 01:29

Why should your sister "see the benefit" too, rather than the kid's own mother?

Birdsgottafly · 09/10/2017 01:32

"He's saying he'd like to see ex take the children on hol... bit why not do that himself with my DS so she can have the benefit too?"

Because it isn't about your DS, it is about seeing his children happy.

"Now he is saying marriage was never important"

I do think that he doesn't want to get married though. He has more or less said that, but you are all focusing on the ex and not the real issue of were your DS stands.

sonjadog · 09/10/2017 01:35

He doesn't want to get married to her.

R2G · 09/10/2017 01:42

Why can't the children be happy going on holiday with him and my sister? Rather than his ex have the lovely holiday meaning my sister doesn't have a holiday or a wedding?

OP posts:

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 09/10/2017 01:45

Are you actually the sister op?

Smitff · 09/10/2017 01:47

Did you really just say that?!

Do you think the children would rather go on holiday with their mother, or with with their dad's girlfriend (assuming nothing hideous about the mother)?

The marriage issue is a separate issue. Which from what you've said sounds like he doesn't want to marry her. In her shoes I'd see this as quite the wake up call.

steff13 · 09/10/2017 01:47

I don't think your sister is going to have a wedding with this guy regardless.

R2G · 09/10/2017 01:58

No I'm not the sister. I'm just annoyed on her behalf. They do go abroad with their mum and her partner each year, plus a holiday with her parents. It's my sister I feel who has turned her own home upside down to accommodate everyone and wait patiently for funds to expand the living space, and marry. She's the one whose done without her usual holiday abroad to incorporate his children on a longer British holiday so they have two weeks with dad. I'm just thinking there's a lot of give on her part and no reward. I haven't spoken to her about it. She's upset though that the money for wedding is for someone else to have a holiday. I feel it's a message that she's less deserving. The extension is really for their family benefit too. She's fine as she was! Perhaps I'm thinking too much or yeah as you say it's clear as day to me she's not getting married or having a baby and she's a convenience. I wish I was her, because I would have seen through him.

OP posts:

RavenclawRealist · 09/10/2017 01:59

I think it’s 2 issues. I think the most important for your DSis is he doesn’t want to get married. Money was the excuse now that is gone the truth is coming out.

As for the money going to ex and dc, it’s about wha is best for the children surely, I take your point there is no reason he can’t take the children on holiday. However it is his money and his children so ultimately he gets to pick what is best for them it’s not about what benefits your Dsis.

The money is a bit irrelevant IMO your Dsis needs to decide if this is the man she wants to be with or not?

R2G · 09/10/2017 02:00

And no nothing hideous about the mother she's a very nice mother. Just think my sister who has been with him since his children were babes in arms and done a lot for everyone should be seeing some of the benefit of his spending/ reflected in his thoughts.

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R2G · 09/10/2017 02:01

Yes. She will have to decide that. It's frustrating to watch.

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HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 09/10/2017 08:26

But it isn't 'the money for the wedding' op. It's his money that he can do what he wants with.

Yes it's shit that she clearly isn't a priority to him. But I think it's a bit grabby to complain that a dad is spending his money on his children rather than his partner.

araiwa · 09/10/2017 08:32

your bil sounds a delightful, caring, generous person

all the times we hear about nrp dads not doing anything for their kids and getting compalined about and now he does something extra nice and gets complained about again

money can bring out the worst in people, like you and your sister. it seems to bring the best out of bil

Ifailed · 09/10/2017 08:39

You don't need a lot of money to get married, easily doable for a few £100. He doesn't want to get married.

FinallyHere · 09/10/2017 10:42

He was using money as an excuse to not get married. Best to know that sooner, rather than later.

Did she really want the 'benefit' of going on a holiday, with his children? Holidays with children can be lovely, but there is not doubt that, to be successful, they tend to revolve around the children and are just not like holidays without children. Has she already thought this whole relationship thing though?

stitchglitched · 09/10/2017 10:50

It sounds like he is trying to avoid his children having a 'two tier' family, where they do loads of exciting and expensive stuff with Dad but not with Mum because she can't afford it. I think that's quite admirable.

What isn't admirable is that he has clearly been stringing your sister along as he doesn't want to get married.

MagicFajita · 09/10/2017 10:55

Two separate issues here.

Giving money to his ex for this children - this is fine imo. A parent should do this.
Marriage - it looks like he doesn't want to marry her doesn't it? His needs to be discussed as you don't need £££ to get married. He's making excuses.

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 09/10/2017 10:56

I think finally makes a good point. Holidays with children aren't much of a holiday if you are looking for relaxation.

PinkHeart5914 · 09/10/2017 11:01

Man wants to give money to children he fathered well let’s hang the bastard, being kind and generous to ones children must not be tolerated.

I think he just doesn’t want to marry your sister, I mean let’s face it the legal part of a wedding doesn’t cost much. Tbh if she’s being this way over him giving money to his dc, because she won’t “get the benefit” I can see why he wouldn’t want to marry

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Welwyncitydweller · 09/10/2017 11:39

I sympathise. I don’t think OP is suggesting he shouldn’t treat his kids but instead that her sister should be able to share in his good fortune. It’s clear he’s avoiding getting married but it’s not even as if he’s treating the sister in some other way to compensate. It sounds like in putting him and his kids first, she’s given the message she always comes second. Time to find someone who will put her first sometimes

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin · 09/10/2017 11:57

The penny never drops does it. Women will continue to be stupid not think of their futures and shack up with blokes with zero thought to financial security. If he wanted to marry her, they could have nipped off down the registrars office. At lease she's not been daft enough to tie her self to him for all eternity with a baby - or is that her next gambit?

Anymajordude · 09/10/2017 11:59

He's just not that into your sister. She should probably move on.

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