To ask your opinion about my dad?

[RebelRogue]

I know my mum was abusive,emotionally and physically.

But I'm so torn in "defining" my dad. Was he an abusive dad,husband?

He was quite controlling with money, quite jealous and he slapped mum once. He was quite paranoid about certain things but I understood more why as I became an adult.

I used to love him a lot when i was really little,but that changed to a certain degree of indifference and being more annoyed with him.

He did half the care when i was a baby,as they worked around eachother,so did half the nappies,feeding etc.
He's the one that i can remember playing with me,not mum.
He's the one that came to parent teacher meetings or when i was in trouble at school. Mum didn't want to deal with the embarrassment.
I remember being afraid of him when he'd come back,but no idea why. He never really shouted or hit me, i just thought he would.
Actually the few times he did hit me, it was mum egging him on. She did that quite a lot pitting us against eachother,playing the victim. He'd come home and she'd be all headaches and miserable ,or crying about how awful i was. I've also had goes at him for upsetting her as well. And the love started slipping.

He was actually more the talk things through type,but never felt i could talk to him. Don't think i even tried. I did talk to mum but she always threw what i said back in my face or laughed at me or used it as a weapon.

I never doubted his love for me, and he was the one that always believed in me,that i could do anything.

I remember once mum moaning about me being fat and asking his opinion on fat girls and he said how he didn't like fat women and he didn't think they were attractive. Very little love left by then,but even less after that.

He would defend mum, he did half the housework, he would make her breakfast every morning. He'd wake up extra early on weekends to make sure we all(more her)had a nice breakfast when she came home from night shift.

He'd try to keep me quiet and out of the way so she could sleep.

He slept in my room for two years because i wanted to sleep with mum.

All great things but at the same time he was quite controlling with money,quite jealous and he hit her once.

I dunno...

[SparklyUnicornPoo]

You said your mum was abusive, was she abusive to him as well?

It sounds like he was trying to be a good dad but was a bit scared of her and that she manipulated things a lot, which doesn't make him a great Dad but I'm not sure it makes him abusive either.

[RebelRogue]

@SparklyUnicornPoo she was never physically abusive to him.
She scratched him when he hit her,but can't blame her on that.
Emotionally,I don't know. I don't think so..he was the louder one in arguments,she kinda just cried or shut up,which is why i jumped in to defend her.
But then she did the same when i was the guilty party.

[SparklyUnicornPoo]

well no I can't blame her on that either, I just wasn't sure if slapping her was in response to something. I think it sounds like your Dad loved you. everything negative you have mentioned there sounds more to do with your mum than your dad to be honest.

[RebelRogue]

Don't get me wrong i know he wasn't perfect. He could be quite dog with a bone and keep and argument going, and hold a grudge , and other issues (being beaten as a child, his paranoia about losing his job,people listening and what not after living under communism) .

I just can't pinpoint if he was abusive,if i saw things through my mother's version(eho will not say a bad word about him ever,even now he's dead and she terribly misses him) , if he was a mostly normal man with unresolved issues. No idea what was normal or not.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Sounds like he was between a rock and a hard place.

[RebelRogue]

Thing is.. I was so awfully horrible to him at times, I pushed him away so much.. and I feel so guilty over it.
I asked mum if she thought he knew that I did love him, and she said she didn't think so.
Because around my mid 20's I did love him again. Not as I did when I was little,more in a he's my dad and i love him kinda way, but i still did.
As awful as she is,it's very possible that what she said it's true...

[CaptainMarvelDanvers]

I think both your parents were very dysfunctional. Life isn't always black and white.

Both my parents were very dysfunctional, so I get it. I get the need for a good guy and bad guy but people are complicated. Now days I only have a relationship with my mum, she made a lot of mistakes but accepts those mistakes and tries to do her best - my dad on the other hand lives in cloud cuckoo land where every thing was great and he did no wrong.

I think sometimes we need to accept that these things happened and make a decision of where we're going to go with the information we have. You can cut one of both of your parents off or you can can choose to have a relationship on your terms with one or both of your parents - neither decision is wrong.

[CaptainMarvelDanvers]

Sorry I was writing my post while you posted your response about him passing on.

[RemainOptimistic]

It sounds like your parents had a dysfunctional marriage and you were simply in the middle of it.

I don't think there's anything to be gained from judging and comparing one parent to the other. In a way, comparing them and weighing their actions against the other simply repeats their relationship dynamic. Which you had nothing to do with - you were a child.

You did not break your parents and you cannot fix them.

[RebelRogue]

I'm not comparing them against eachother. I know mum was abusive period. I think dad was a good dad with some faults some against me,some against my mother.

But why did I desperately loved my mum and was fiercely protective of her and not my dad? It makes no sense.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Rest assured my Lovely, he knew you loved him.❤️

[RebelRogue]

Thank you @Sugarpiehoneyeye . No idea why I'm so fixated on this all of the sudden or what to do with all this thoughts and feelings.

[Cookingongas]

IMO you fiercely loved and protected your mum because your fathers love would be there anyway. You knew he would l be you. You wanted to gain “points” from mum. Often the person who treats you worst- you desire their approval and love most. Or at least that is my experience. My mother is abusive. My father deeply flawed. I had the same set up as you- it was a long long time before I found the truth behind my own feelings/beliefs

[RebelRogue]

Often the person who treats you worst- you desire their approval and love most.

That really resonates with me,especially since i followed the same pattern in relationships for quite a while as well.