Why don't parents step in?!

[Bananamama1213]

Took DD4 to a birthday party earlier and for the house of "play" they had, she was booted off things by different children - who all completely ignored me when I stepped in.

There were 3 trampolines (in the floor).. she waited until one was free and had only bounced twice when someone else started bouncing. She came off and said "the man said one person at a time". The child's parent didn't say a word.

So we went to do something else. It was these rings you hang on and lift your feet up. My DD was swinging and dropped down because she couldn't hold her weight for more than a minute.. before she'd even got back up, someone came out of nowhere and took the rings.

So once again, we went to do something else. Waited in line for 2 girls to finish on swinging ropes. The girl from above came over a few minutes later and asked if DD was waiting - she said yes. Then as soon as one became available, the girl took it.

Another girl joined the line and as soon as I was lifting DD onto the tied part of the rope, this girl was trying to pull it off her saying it was her turn!

My DD ended up sitting next to the girl who took the rings and the rope, when they ate. The girl said to her mum "I don't have a knife" so lent over my DDs plate to try take hers! I was sitting with DD at the time as she was upset, so I was like no, this belongs to DD.

I just don't understand why parents who are standing right there, don't get involved. Or how children aren't being taught to wait their turn? It doesn't seem like a big lesson to teach them!! Same with manners! So why haven't the parents done it!

My DD is the kind of child who won't stop someone taking something off her. She just sits there and gets sad. But never says anything. It doesn't matter how much I tell her to tell an adult.

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

Laziness
Ineptitude
The solemn and unending belief that rules don't apply to them or their children, but do apply to everyone else...

[AfterSchoolWorry]

I wouldn't have let any of that go on!

Did you not say to the kids, hang on wait, it's dd's turn. To can't depend on other people to act in your interest!

You have to speak up yourself. It's easy just say 'hang on, it's still dd's turn' or 'dd's next'

[Iloveanimals]

The times I have had to parent other people's children is countless, "No darling, ds was waiting first. You can have a go next."
Parents are lazy and that's why we are soon going to be living in an even worse society than we are now. It's sad but... That's just the way it is. Parentings hard if you do it right.

[ConciseandNice]

It's your job to speak for your child. Those kids and their parents are cheeky fuckers and so it continues forever unless people like you step on. Cheeky fuckers raise cheeky fuckers don't forget.

[Sohurt17]

Agree with After. As the adult, why didn’t you feel like you could take control of the situation and say “dd was first. It’s your turn next”?

[TwatteryFlowers]

Model standing up for yourself/her. Another child took her turn so show her what to do/say and how: "We were using that so can you wait your turn? Thanks!" all said in a loud, firm but friendly tone of voice, with a smile, whilst taking the toy or whatever back. Do it each time and hopefully it'll begin to rub off on your dd. Encourage her to say it with you. Let her know that you're there, supporting her and backing her up.

[TwatteryFlowers]

She just sits there and gets sad. But never says anything. It doesn't matter how much I tell her to tell an adult.

As much as we should encourage them to tell and adult, getting her to tell the perpetrators herself first is probably a better way of helping her to stand up for herself and then, if they're not listening, go tell an adult.

[Becles]

The solemn and unending belief that rules don't apply to them or their children, but do apply to everyone else...

This

[Silverthorn]

After the second incident i would have started defending my dc. Actually no it is dd's turn on the trampoline. Don't usher her away. Difficult though.

[Bananamama1213]

I did try and stand up for her but these children just looked through me.

I was saying to the children (like on the rope swing for example) that DD had been waiting and had only just got on it.

I am very much a helicopter parent with her. I'm not one of those who just stand around talking to the others.

It makes me worry what she's like at school with them - as most are in her class. She often tells me that people have taken stuff or done something but that she didn't tell the teacher.

I sometimes feel like because I am a young mum, that children may not see me as authoritative. I don't have a very firm/strict voice unless it's with my children. I'm pretty wimpy I suppose

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

Good grief have you no tongue in your head OP??

[Fekko]

They think it's teaching their kid DS to be assertive 'winners' (not pushy and self centred).

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

Xpost. You need to do some work on your assertiveness for two reasons. 1) your DD needs to see that it's fine to stand up for herself and how to do it. 2) your DD will see that mum is a walkover and start walking over you herself. If other kids can, why can't she.

[Ttbb]

At age 4 she really should be more assertive. The other parents were probably waiting to see whether the children could sort it out between themselves before interfering.

[Bananamama1213]

We have another party on Saturday so it will be the same children.. I will buck my ideas up and stop being a wimp!

[MaisyPops]

The solemn and unending belief that rules don't apply to them or their children, but do apply to everyone else...
This so much.
And they will be the same children anf parents who cause grief at nursery, complain endlessly to their child's primary teacher and will have a massive attitude problem by secondary school (which of course won't be to do with their sense of entitlement and attitude, it will be all the teachers picking on their DC who 'was just...'

[Thegiantofillinois]

I had an occasion at a park where 2 older girls had decided that you each got 5 goes on the zip wire, while my 2 stood like lemons. I asked them where that was written down snd Finnish enough, it turned out that everyone had one go and wueued again.

[RosyPony]

You need to work on your assertive voice, set an example to your daughter, small children won't realise your a young mum (unless your 9 or 10). The other kids sound rather rude but you're the adult, intervene.

[user1489434024]

Hi OP. It mustn't be nice seeing those thing happen to your child.

I'd be tempted to let her get on with it though. Might teach her to assert herself and defend herself when your not there. Being with her will surely reinforce any negative thoughts and feelings she might be having.
Let her get on with it.

Not being mean, just a different perspective x

[NoCryLilSoftSoft]

We have another party on Saturday so it will be the same children.. I will buck my ideas up and stop being a wimp!

Practise in the mirror. Say things like "no, its not your turn yet, it's [Dd's name] turn" and "everybody has to wait their turn". Maybe try and get your DD doing it with a bit of role play. Model the phrases she can use in those situations.

[Mehfruittea]

My DS is exactly the same. When I sit back and watch (now he's going on for 6) I see him waiting at the back of every line while other kids push in, barged off equipment by other kids even if they're smaller etc. I've taught him to be polite, take turns and share. Now I need to teach him to stand up for himself and not expect an adult to intervene and restore fairness every time.
Pp was right about modelling assertive behaviours, both DH and I are a bit crap at this. I'm getting better at it and am trying now not for me, but so that I can role model it for my son. That's how much of a wuss I am!!

[Luckymummy22]

Whilst that behaviour isn't acceptable and I also get really annoyed when parents do nothing, I also think you need to take a step back.

As harsh as this sounds, she is 4, possibly at school so doesn't need you to helicopter parent.
She needs independence and she will learn how to deal with these situations on her own.

With my 2 year old I parent him from a distance at playgroups / parties. I'm always watching him and if necessary step in but he's generally good.

My 6 year old just gets left too it to a certain extent but I'm always there if she needs me

[Bananamama1213]

She's a young 4 and very shy/nervous.

She cried when we first got in to the gymnastics room because she was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do.
Same with when she sat down to eat, I asked her why she was crying and she said that she didn't know.

She's a different child when at home. DS is 5 and she's definitely boss when it comes to their relationship. She doesn't shut up, she does everything she wants. But in public, it's almost like she needs someone to lead her. If she doesn't have DS, she's like a lost lamb kind of.

I struggle with it anyway, but I have to hold back the tears when she gets sad at parties and school.

• on their first taster session of school, she was sitting on the floor with all the other kids and I was silently crying at the back of the room because I could see she was upset. That poor teacher asked if I was okay, and I burst into tears even more! I did manage to hide it from DD so it wasn't hard for her.