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To ask for some help please? I'm heavily pregnant and falling apart.

(24 Posts)
Mobydick100 Sun 08-Oct-17 17:49:39

Hi,

I'm due to give birth next week. I have one sister who I have a very difficult relationship with. Sometimes we get on in a very shallow way for short periods-she lives abroad so only see each other now and again. At times she's treated me awfully. I've never trusted her (My husband knows all this and has said the same himself). The other day she said some very, very hurtful things-I've not spoken to her since. My husband was very supportive at the time.

My marriage is in an awful state. He's acted very selfishly. I'm really worried what will happen baby is born.

We've argued a lot.

I've just found out that last week when we had a big argument (personally I'd say we didn't argue but he was selfish and nasty towards me) he left the house and called my sister. I'm so hurt. I know she will share this information with other people. I suspect she will have loved being told and I'm not even speaking to her.
In my mind you don't confide in partners family about marriage problems...especially when you aren't speaking!

He says he spoke to my sister coz he wanted 'unbiased support and that it's no different to me talking to my best friend.

This feels like the last straw. I would hugely appreciate advice on how to stay calm and relax when I feel so stressed and anxious. I need to get through next few days/ weeks. Don't want baby to be affected by my stress levels.

I can't work out how we can function together without lots of nastiness.
I don't want him anywhere near me at the moment. I don't know how we get through even the first few weeks of being parents.

Obviously leaving him is is not practical at the moment.
I would hugely appreciate support. I'm falling apart and worried how my stress must be affecting baby.

MumsOnCrack Sun 08-Oct-17 17:52:42

Firstly, I’d be fucking furious. What he’s done is a huge breach of trust and he’s also using your insecurities against you - he knows what she’s like and that she’d live every second.

Honestly, concentrate on you and your baby. Can you find a way to ‘close off’ for now? You KNOW he’s behaved outrageously - believe yourself and your own values and morals. I’d turn in completely and not ask him for anything and feel better.

He’s a total dickhead for doing what he’s done.

MumsOnCrack Sun 08-Oct-17 17:53:36

...and he does know that. He’s just trying to make you feel like the unreasonable one and that’s not loving or kind.

MumsOnCrack Sun 08-Oct-17 17:54:42

I’d get a takeaway and a really good book/film and shut myself in the bedroom, have a lovely time and only leave to wee...until the baby comes!

MumsOnCrack Sun 08-Oct-17 17:58:49

Bump...for you

Justanothernameonthepage Sun 08-Oct-17 18:00:12

You poor thing. Him calling your sister is out of order (unless they are best friends). Practical advice is to build up a support network that doesn't include either of them. Block your sister on social media and disengage from her as much as possible. If you have the funds look at getting some help with house stuff before/after birth. Talk to midwife to tell her your under stress at home and ask it to be put on notes (will help in hospital and post visits). Be kind to yourself - that may mean booking into a hotel/staying at friends. Be kind to him (to avoid new stress arguments) but at the same time save money in new bank account and keep options open. Remember you can bam him from delivery room if needed. And your sister. You can also say no/leave house if she barges in.

Justanothernameonthepage Sun 08-Oct-17 18:03:06

Oh and cause I'm petty minded, id also let him overhear the end of a call to his family where you ask for advice about anything and you are thanking them for listening and being so supportive. Obviously not telling all, but he might realise he's not the only one with the ability to bring in family. But I'm petty.

Auit Sun 08-Oct-17 18:03:09

Woah that's a huge breach of trust. Poor you sad flowers

I wouldn't want either of them near me for a long time.

Would be possible to change the locks/go back to family, friends or parents?

Could find someone you trust to be with you for the birth and/or after?

Forget them for now and concentrate on you and baby x

BriechonCheese Sun 08-Oct-17 18:09:32

You poor thing, what an incredible breach of trust.
How long has your marriage been bad? How long have you been together?

Right, distraction techniques
- Have you chosen a name?
- Have you got Netflix/Amazon Prime? Binge on a series like Gilmore Girls or Pretty Little Liars.
- Do you have anyone locally who can take you out for a day of cakes and cinema followed by chat?

Mobydick100 Sun 08-Oct-17 18:15:11

I am massively dreading having him at the birth but is it cruel to say he can't be there? I could ask someone else to be there or do it alone but is that cruel of me? He's the dad and this child means everything to him.

I woke up determined not to get stressed/ not allow his nastiness to affect me but hearing this has really hurt.
There's no risk of her turning up she lives 2 flights away!

I don't want my child to be brought up in an angry, nasty household.
I want to concentrate on how exciting it is to have a baby but can't.
Do have a good support network but for practical reasons-nowhere I could stay right now.

Thanks all for validating my feelings. X

MumsOnCrack Sun 08-Oct-17 18:24:31

But hasn’t he been really cruel? The essential thing to think of here is if he’s going to help you. If he won’t then there is zero reason for him to be there. Pick someone who will.

BriechonCheese Sun 08-Oct-17 18:28:12

He has been cruel to you.
He has no legal right to be at the birth, you are the patient and your midwife can refuse him entry to the ward on your say so. Keep that in your head.

Mobydick100 Sun 08-Oct-17 18:36:30

He says he only spoke to my sister coz he felt so depressed and low himself he didnt know what else to do. He was very upset.

He has friends. He should have spoken to one of them if he needed to.
Refuses to see why I'm so bothered.

Auit Sun 08-Oct-17 18:37:35

Moby you need support not bullying.

I breach of trust when heavily pregnant is horribly cruel.

You are not being cruel you are protecting yourself and baby at this crucial time.

He has no right to demand anything of you currently.

You need to be cared for and supported, not bullied or made to feel guilty.

Maybe you can with time mend fences with your H but not now IMO.

Auit Sun 08-Oct-17 18:42:31

Maybe he was upset poor him hmm

You're heavily pregnant, he should have bloody well done better.

I have a very difficult relationship with my sister if DH ever went behind my back to bitch to her it would be a dealbreaker. If he did it when I was as vulnerable as you, it would be over.

schoolgaterebel Sun 08-Oct-17 18:51:17

This is a massive betrayal.

There is only one way you can get past this:

1) if he admits it was a stupid thing to do (he clearly did it to hurt you further whilst in the throes of an argument)

2) he apologises sincerely

3) he promises never to contact your sister again (he deletes her contact details from his phone in front of you)

If he does not agree to the above I would be leaving him and not having him present during the birth. He needs to decide now if he is going to fight for your marriage or not.

What you need to do now is stop talking about your sister to him, do not drag him into your sibling conflict, disengage from her (giving her headspace is giving her power) just ignore her involvement, she is inconsequential in your life.

Mobydick100 Sun 08-Oct-17 19:44:35

Thanks everyone. I've made myself a lovely tea and am about to have a relaxing bath. Think I'll put some music on too.
Found the suggestion about being kind to my husband interesting. Probably a good idea but I don't feel like being nice to him at all!
I think he will think everything is ok. Got family coming over to keep me company tomorrow. This is so hard.

MumsOnCrack Sun 08-Oct-17 19:48:40

Nope - be kind to you

Mobydick100 Sun 08-Oct-17 21:33:46

Feeling so awful. He won't/ can't admit he did wrong. I'm scared the impact my stress is having on baby too.
Unbelievably he has completely forgotten why I'm so upset with my sister (the original reason). Literally a few night ago I was in pieces over what had happened (that would be another thread entirely). Now he's totally forgotten...keeps saying 'well if it's such a big deal, why don't you tell me'. I don't want to share anything with him anymore. I was so distressed when I found out-totally freaked out. He has effectively made fun of how panicked I was. He can't be nice. I know this might sound crazy/ impossible but I think he genuinely doesn't realise what he's done. He has no empathy and just doesn't always seem to get what's ok behaviour and what isn't. But none of this makes it easier for me. And he can't take criticism even when he's very much in the wrong. I'm trying to relax but just feel dreadful. Friends are texting asking if I've had a nice relaxed weekend before baby arrives. I don't say the truth. I So wish I could feel excited/happy about something I've wanted all my life (to be a mum).

stopfuckingshoutingatme Sun 08-Oct-17 22:06:24

Being heavily pregnant is a very scary time she. It's the first time not condoning him but he is probably panicked too and made a bad decision to call your sister

Calm down
Calm down
Breathe

Don't make any major decisions or panic

As people say you need to nest , bathe watch TV

Avoid any major confrontations with him as it will do NO good

Just make calming down and resting your priority

Binge watch something funny like parks and recreations and focus on getting calm and ready for the birth

All these issues can wait you need to create a calm atmosphere for the next few weeks x

And see how things go with him - if you can calm down and relax my bet is he will do flowers

CakesRUs Sun 08-Oct-17 22:12:03

He's been really cruel to you, if this child means everything to him, why would he subject you to such stress so close to giving birth. I'd bin the pair of them, but it's easier said than done. Hugs to you 🌼

Mobydick100 Sun 08-Oct-17 22:25:55

Does anyone know if Relate is free anywhere? I thought might be worth us going there...anyone got experience?

RedastheRose Sun 08-Oct-17 22:55:47

Relate fees are dependent on income so you should be ok. He is minimising your feelings and showing you no empathy at a time when you are especially vulnerable. If he can't show you unconditional love at this time when is he going to? Read up about emotionally abusive behaviour and the red flags.

Mobydick100 Sun 08-Oct-17 23:07:54

At the moment we can't justify paying 65 an hour on counselling-the amount I've seen quoted on internet. That's great if it's dependent on income. No idea when we could go to counselling-maybe we could pay for a babysitter for an hour a week. I'm not convinced it would make any different but got to be worth a chance. Big decision is does he come to birth?
I'm so ashamed to be in this situation-if he was ill or couldn't get there for some reason I wouldn't hesitate to ask friend or family to come to birth but I'm embarrassed by the circumstances. For the same reason I wouldn't mention it to midwife/ health visitor. I'd hate it to go in my hospital notes.

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