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Should we tell the other parents

(46 Posts)
Clueless2017 Sun 08-Oct-17 00:19:16

I've changed my usual username and I've posted in AIBU for traffic. My ds2 turned 15 this week. As background because he got a bad report last term, we've not allowed him to go to sleepovers or parties until we see a general improvement in grades. Tonight one of the girls in his year had a party. He was invited but not allowed to go. We let him invite some friends for a sleepover in our house to compensate as it was his birthday weekend. Ds2 showed up at 7 with his mates. He was clearly stoned while his friends were not. This is the first time for him to come home like that. We quickly pulled him aside and he said his 'good' friend had been teasing him about not being allowed to the party so when he offered him a joint in the park he took it. I felt gutted partly because I knew this boy's sister's bf did drugs (from a PCSO friend). Because of this knowledge, I was a bit on edge about this friend. Now I am sure that they got the weed from the sister's bf, I want to tell the parents particularly as they encourage the local kids to hang out at their house. Dh says this is pointless but I think this is because ds2 is begging him not to and he is soft. I actually suspect more kids were smoking weed tonight and it was at this boy's house. Should I tell the parents?

MissConductUS Sun 08-Oct-17 00:23:03

I think very little good can come of telling them, particularly since all you have is a strong suspicion. Just focus on having your own DS do the right things to get his studies back in order.

Clueless2017 Sun 08-Oct-17 00:27:53

But we know the other boy smoked the joint too. Regardless of who supplied who, they are minors and we need to take care of them

thecatfromjapan Sun 08-Oct-17 00:34:52

To be honest, i think you probably have enough with your own son at the moment. Will it damage your relationship with him if you talk to the other parents? Probably yes. For that reason alone, i think you need to hang fire on this at the moment.

If you approach the other parents, it will open up all sorts of tricky social stuff for him that he may not be equipped to deal with right now. You have no idea how they will react - and it may not even be worth the trouble it will cause between your son and his friends, and your son and you.

I say that as someone who would, actually, want to know if it were me.

I'd emphasise how much you appreciate him being open with you and keep working on building a good relationship. And making it easier for him to stay on track than not stay on track.

MissConductUS Sun 08-Oct-17 00:37:28

Oh, sorry. When I read so when he offered him a joint in the park he took it. I didn't pick up that they smoked it together and that this was the boy whose parents you were thinking of informing. My bad for reading your post too quickly.

How well do you know the boy's mum? My concern was that the other parents might see your call as being accusatory rather than helpful.

Pot is in the process of being legalize state by state here so there's not much stigma to it, but yes, at 15 it's a concern.

Clueless2017 Sun 08-Oct-17 00:38:19

I appreciate it that it will make things tricky but would that be bad? Also it's quite hypocritical. I suspect a couple of other boys might have been there. I've known their parents since Foundation. How can I not tell them?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 08-Oct-17 00:40:12

I think I would probably tell them.

thecatfromjapan Sun 08-Oct-17 00:48:08

It's really tricky. I think my main concern would be that he might think twice about telling you something in future, and it sounds as though you're working through a tricky period at the moment.

You could always think about telling the parents later, so that it is less clear where the information came from.

Clueless2017 Sun 08-Oct-17 00:49:40

I don't the mum very well. I've met her a couple of times. She's friendly and seems keen to know the parents of her children's friends. On the other hand I can see her being very defensive. My real gripe is the fact I know her dd's bf (18) who is always at their house, was known for being a supplier at school. Ds's friend really looks up to him and I think this is where they got the weed from. Also I'm really angry as ds said the boy was teasing him because he isn't allowed to go to parties and I think this weakened his will.

Clueless2017 Sun 08-Oct-17 00:52:00

Just to clarify, I think ds is responsible for his own actions. I just feel parents should share what they know to protect the kids.

MissConductUS Sun 08-Oct-17 00:56:06

A parent's first reaction will be to be defensive of their child. If her dd is dating a known pot dealer she's probably well aware of what's going on. Pot use is usually quite obvious.

As to the other boy teasing your son about not being allowed to go to parties that's pretty normal interaction among teenagers.

Tread cautiously.

MissConductUS Sun 08-Oct-17 01:04:01

Just to clarify, I think ds is responsible for his own actions. I just feel parents should share what they know to protect the kids.

I agree on both points. I just think you have to balance the value of the information against the potential relationship consequences. Perhaps think it over for a day or two.

Italiangreyhound Sun 08-Oct-17 01:10:38

I'd want to know. And I'd be willing to not reveal how I found out if you told me. I think it is fair enough for you to ask and expect other parents not to reveal you or your son as the source. You could even say you had heard from elsewhere and think it is true, without implicating your son.

It's very tricky.

BeALert Sun 08-Oct-17 01:14:36

I'm not sure I've got this straight. But if my child was smoking weed at all - whether in my house or elsewhere - and another parent knew about it, I'd want to know too.

I'd also want to know if my daughter's BF was doing drugs and especially if he was a known supplier.

I wouldn't shoot the messenger - I'd be grateful.

brasty Sun 08-Oct-17 01:34:30

I wouldn't lie to my DC if asked to by another parent.

Atenco Sun 08-Oct-17 02:03:39

It would be good for the other parents to know, but your priority at the moment is to protect your communication with your son. If there is anyway you can secretly inform them, that would be the best.

manicinsomniac Sun 08-Oct-17 02:32:18

I would want to know.

Do you think the other parents would care though? That might influence whether or not I risked the wrath of my own child. When I was around that age (about GCSE results time) I can remember being in a girl's garden and lots of people smoking weed. Her mum came home and said 'Do I smell ... marijuana ...[cue 20 odd teenagers freezing in panic] ... ahhh ... the memories.' Then off she went into the house, leaving us to it! grin shock

Clueless2017 Sun 08-Oct-17 07:39:09

Yes Manic I wonder if they would care too based on other things that have happened in the past.

Pickleypickles Sun 08-Oct-17 07:49:37

I think you will push your son further away and that the choice you need to make, is it worth possibly destroying your relationship with your son to clear your conscience?

SouthPole Sun 08-Oct-17 07:52:10

Ask your local police community liaison team to come and have a word wth him.

That would put a stop to it.

Btw by "him" I mean your kid or the other one.

strawberrisc Sun 08-Oct-17 08:07:34

I wouldn't unless the other mother was a really good friend. Even then it could be a case of can open, worms everwhere.

thegreylady Sun 08-Oct-17 08:52:40

I think you chose a massive punishment for a bad report. It is nearly half term couldn't you start letting him share his peers celebrations from than on? If he had been at the party with the others this wouldn't have happened.

user1487194234 Sun 08-Oct-17 08:58:06

I would not tell the other parents
I would concentrate on you own child

Notevilstepmother Sun 08-Oct-17 09:04:05

If my 18 year old daughter was in a relationship with someone who deals to children I'd want to know.

Legally that is the situation, the sisters boyfriend is a dealer and is supplying to minors.

I'd tell the parents, in a way that makes it clear that daughters boyfriend is the issue and your sons have both been a bit daft.

15 year olds need clear parenting.

PerfumeIsAMessage Sun 08-Oct-17 09:08:28

You only have it from your son that the other boy is responsible for offering the weed. You may find that the other parent will turn round and tell the exact same story but with your son as the protagonist.

Is it acceptable for PCSO "friends" to talk about stuff like that btw? I'd be very surprised if it were. Do they see it as an extension of their role? Gossiping with their friends and telling them that so-and-so has been on drugs? confused

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