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To want to cut contact with my mum?

(15 Posts)
Redrainbows Sat 07-Oct-17 22:12:31

We have always been close in the sense we talk to each other everyday but not actually close emotionally. She can just be so nasty, is constantly putting me down and is only interested in herself. I really don't know how to change this and why she dislikes me so much and it's really breaking my heart.
An example of this- I had a really bad day last week (followed by a terrible week) that evening I was on the phone to my mum and told her part of what had happened and she just laughed down the phone at me :S it was not funny in the slightest so was a really strange reaction so I just said I'd let her go as she sounded busy- she cheerily said bye and hung up.. I later asked her why she'd laughed at me (via text) and she replied 'you're just so easy to laugh at and you've moaned all week it's not nice' this was honestly the first time I'd said anything negative all week and I'm really hurt as it's usually always me being there for her when she's been down about how much she hates her job, her bad health, her marriage issues, her money troubles etc etc. I've always listened and would never palm her off like that.
Another example is where I've invited her for dinner and she said no because she doesn't like spending time with me! These are just two examples from the last month or so.

I feel so childish and needy that her rejection is hurting me so much but family means a lot to me and I can't understand why she is like this. Is it best to just cut contact or try harder with her?

toomuchtooold Sat 07-Oct-17 22:21:02

Oh god no, don't waste your time on trying harder with her. Try hard with someone who has shown themselves to be a friend to you - your partner, your children of you have any?

There's a thread on Relationships called Stately Homes, for people with toxic or dysfunctional relationships with their parents. You'd be very welcome.

Redrainbows Sat 07-Oct-17 22:29:30

Ooh I will have to take a look at that thread. Our relationship is certainly toxic. I dither between hating her for her behaviour and feeling very protective and make excuses for her because she has mental health issues. But at the moment it's just really knocking my confidence and all I keep thinking is if my own mother doesn't like me who on earth else would?! I'm a single parent to 5 year old ds. With whom she is close to and they have a good relationship (which makes me feel even more the problem must just be me!)

saoirse31 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:42:21

Given the way she acts with you I'd almost guarantee she'll act the same with your Ds over time. I'd ensure you don't leave him long on his own with her, if at all, tbh.

ginplease8383 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:51:25

Ugh god who needs enemies with a mum like that? keep your distance and remember the problem is her not you flowers chin up you sound lovely

toomuchtooold Sat 07-Oct-17 22:58:14

Here's a link to Stately Homes

FineAsWeAre Sat 07-Oct-17 23:24:53

I don't speak to mine, she's a horrible woman and I grew up with some serious mental health issues that I mostly attribute to her and how much of a failure she made me feel. It does upset me at times when other people talk about their relationships with their mothers and I don't have that but I'm better off without her. Sounds like you need to make a clean break.

Redrainbows Sun 08-Oct-17 08:04:17

Thanks all. I've been reading stately homes and it's helping me piece things together a bit more. So nice to not feel alone with this.

Dontgiveaflyingfuck Sun 08-Oct-17 08:41:36

My mother is like this but she is good with dds. As dd2 has an attachment disorder i was reluctant to cut her off. So i made our relationship soley about the dds - i only talk about them. If she asks about me i make it about the dds - so "how are" i'd answer "really happy as dd managed to..."

Its been 2 years and though it was hard at first it quickly became easy. Ironically she has never challenged me!! I think being a narcassit she simply hasn"t noticed.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Sun 08-Oct-17 08:45:25

Distance yourself from her. Sadly it sounds like you don’t have much to lose.

Pluckaduck Sun 08-Oct-17 09:23:53

This sounds like my mum everything is about her I told her recently about some serious health problems I have and she replied aw their is f@#k all up with you and don't say anything to your sister she's depressed enough sadly it didn't bother me as it's the usual thoughtless remark . She take my siblings out for a meal 2 sisters 3 brothers and never invites me saying it's to far I live 15 mins drive from her . But if she needs something done or needs to go some where it's me that has to take her no one does anything for her bar me! I've learned to ignore her now xx

YellowFlower201 Sun 08-Oct-17 09:35:11

It sounds like you are quite intermeshed with her. Why do you speak every day? Have you tried not telling her about your life? You really do not need to share personal or emotional problems with her. Find a friend to discuss those with. Tell her you're busy and will call on x day to see how she is and only talk about her or neutral topics not relating to your life.

maddening Sun 08-Oct-17 11:02:36

Just don't contact her - if she contacts you tell her:
She is a horrible person
You don't need to put up with her
You won't be in contact with her anymore

If she asks for examples tell her to go away and have a long think back on her behaviour. You won't be discussing it with her at all she should be able to work it out for herself.

Rhubbarbpieinthesky Sun 08-Oct-17 19:32:16

So we spoke today I told her how she had behaved was out of order and I'm not going to continue ignoring the way she treats me. She denied completely (even denied the text which is still on my phone) then tried to turn the tables saying I'm not there for her at all. When I didn't bite she announced she's moving far away and has been putting it off for years because of me but now she's going to go. I just stayed calm and said I didn't think it was a good for us to talk so often and will now only be in contact regarding DS. She just agreed emotionless then ended the call.
Still just feel quite gutted, I knew it would never happen but was hoping she'd just see how cruel she's been and apologise to me then maybe things could improve.. Also feel a bit relieved to get out of this toxic relationship- the less contact I have the less opportunity she has to knock me down.

Rhubbarbpieinthesky Sun 08-Oct-17 19:45:36

And yes I did just have a name change fail 🙈

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