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To not really want to be around my family ever?

(25 Posts)
beesandknees Sat 07-Oct-17 20:41:48

My mum seems continually put out that I don't get very excited to see her, and don't dance attendance on my sister who is her favourite.

Dsis is an anxious type who demands a lot of care and special treatment... E.g. due with her first over Xmas and my mum is to fly in to mine (I live closer to sister) and stay with me until my sister summons mum / needs her help. It's considered totally fine to assume Bees will keep Mum entertained for up to 4 weeks while she waits. Much tutting about how I will be in work most of the time as it's a busy time for us. Why can't I take leave etc.

I'm not invited until a really awkward week in Jan that clashes with school timings and it's a HUGE subject of disapproving gossip that I don't pull DC out from school and go to act as mother's help for DSis...

My family has also been begging me to go to a family reunion next year. I keep saying no and they keep being massively upset about it.

But the thing is... These people REALLY obviously don't like me. They disapprove of me. They are bored by the things I'm interested in. They roll their eyes at me. They think I'm properly awful for so many reasons.

So why do they get so upset when I don't want to spend time with them?

For years and years I tried to make family contact fun, would plan things, would make conversation and my mum and sis would inevitably be miserable about it and it would be soul crushing. So now I just smile nod and keep it all very light, take as much time as I can away from them if a visit is mandatory etc. And this too stimulates more family tittering about how checked out and unloving I am.

Aibu not to want to invest any more in these people than I have to?

Occasionally a friend will say " oh well you know but they're family" and I just think... But they literally don't even like me though

KevinKnowsImMiserable Sat 07-Oct-17 20:46:33

No way should you entertain your mother for 4 weeks.

I think you should be assertive and decline this.

BarbarianMum Sat 07-Oct-17 21:00:30

You don't have to invest anything in them. You can just say no. You don't need to listen to them disapprove, you can just put the phone down or block them. Or see them only on your terms or not at all. If the weekend you've been given is really inconvenient then you just hold out for one that suits you better.

Seriously, all the cards are in your hands.

beesandknees Sat 07-Oct-17 21:02:10

My mum coming to stay is actually ok as I will be working the whole time - I'm fine to offer a spare bed to her.

I have declined to entertain her for the duration. Not taking holiday etc. That's the part that's caused disapproval / disbelief.

It's just weird though, why would you be annoyed with a person not spending time with you... When you literally don't like the person?

beesandknees Sat 07-Oct-17 21:03:27

Sorry cross post - I have already refused the Jan visiting slot as well.

It's just the huge dismay that's confusing. I'm fine with them being dismayed - I'm just really confused as to WHY they are dismayed.

Imonlyfuckinghuman Sat 07-Oct-17 21:05:59

Every family needs that one person they hate but trot out at special events ! used to be me

Just say no.

No to the lengthy visit and no to the reunion.

BarbarianMum Sat 07-Oct-17 21:10:39

Because its all about control and you're not playing ball. I doubt they think about your feelings very much, they probably don't even realise they have them.

If your dsis is the golden child are you the scapegoat?

bastardkitty Sat 07-Oct-17 21:12:50

I had the same role in my ex family. I don't miss them at all. It's very wearing.

lurkingnotlurking Sat 07-Oct-17 21:13:07

I think you just have to protect yourself. It sounds like you're doing a pretty good job of that by keeping things light-hearted and so keeping them at arm's length. I suspect it's possible that they keep being disapproving because they can sense that you hold little interest in them (rightly so) and want to try to reassert their power over you / their own self-importance which you now do not seek to mirror back to them

Marnie182 Sat 07-Oct-17 21:26:13

Agree with lurking ^^

beesandknees Sat 07-Oct-17 21:28:18

BarbarianMum I think I am the scapegoat yes... It got dramatically worse after I left my exH, my sister basically stopped speaking to me and my DM never mentioned it to me after I told her. The general disapproval got much worse. I heard that Dsis basically talks about my DC as if I have died / abandoned them ("poor little Name, they don't ever recover really do they, it's the end for them now" it's v strange - I am with DC 5 days a week minimum!)

ScissorBow Sat 07-Oct-17 21:35:08

It's because you're not making the effort they want to draw you in to tell you how little effort you make and why that makes you A Bad Person. Despite the fact you used to try hard, get no where and basically feel like A Bad Person. It's an abusive kind of relationship because if you can't win, literally if you did A you'd be castigated and if you did the opposite of A you'd be castigated then you know to give up and stay as far away as possible except absolutely unavoidable contact.

TammySwansonTwo Sun 08-Oct-17 06:16:23

Are you sure they don't like you? Of are they see self involved / lacking jn social skills / emotional intelligence that they are unaware of how they behave?

Personally I'd have it out with your mother and tell her how you feel. If things don't improve, you'll know you tried and that's that really.

I spent many years not really speaking to my mum - she was incredibly selfish and never considered anyone else. I went through a lot medically in my 20s and she never supported me at all, treated me like a malingerer and just generally made me feel bad about myself. When I needed crutches to walk, she refused to go out of the house with me if I used them. She would make snide comments about me needing painkillers. She was generally just very mean. It got to the point where I wouldn't answer the phone when she called and one day she turned up to my flat and I told my bf not to let her in. A few years after this she had serious issues with her vile husband, and I took her into my very small flat, my husband and I dropped everything to support her. She told me awful things he had done and I was trying to help her get through leaving him. They were meant to be going on holiday and I cancelled a lot of important things to go with her and she begged me to go - on that trip I had all this out with her and she promised to change. Less than halfway through the holiday I accidentally overheard her conspiring on the phone with her husband for him to fly out and for me to fly home. She spent the rest of the holiday on Skype to him until she could pack me off. I told her I never wanted to speak to her again. Within a couple of months she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I dropped everything to support her and she completely changed - she was obviously much sicker than I ever was but going through all the tests and surgeries made her understand what it had been like for me without her support and she apologised. She stopped treating me like an afterthought and often told me how much she loved and appreciated me, something I'd never really heard before. We had long talks all day every day about all sorts of things - we became closer in her last 18 months than we had ever been.

It breaks my heart now that we wasted so much time when she was healthy - it's not like I didn't try with her, but I don't think either of us ever really made the effort we should have done with each other. We decided we didn't like each other much and that was that until it was too late really.

I'm not saying you should just put up with her nonsense, but I would talk all this out before you write your relationship off. If she truly doesn't like you and you her and you're never going to be close, then you know you've done your best and that's that. Distance yourself and be done with it. I just know it's possible for these things to change and wish it hadn't taken something so tragic for us to build a better relationship. Crucially though both of you have to want to do it, you can't do it on your own.

bastardkitty Sun 08-Oct-17 07:41:04

Wbat ScissorBow said. It's a lose-lose situation if you keep playing their game.

KarmaNoMore Sun 08-Oct-17 08:00:23

Because its all about control and you're not playing ball. <-- that, with bells on.

It is all about control, how do you dare to step out of line, when everybody is used to treat you badly and expect you put up with it?

I have the same situation with my family, but after years and years of living away from them, I have learned their behaviour was horrendous and I'm not prepared to take it, from them or anyone else.

Naturally, things have gone much worse while trying to bring me back into line. The snide comments are now in the open, shouting, family ganging together to show me how bad I am and they have gone as far as trying to stop old friends talking to me.

Nowadays, the contact ball is on their side. I don't ring them ever, so only talk when after a few months they start wondering if I am alive. I plan to continue to visit them once a year, but limit the interactions to the minimum no matter how much they complain because they will complain anyway. So st least I get to do what I want.

beesandknees Sun 08-Oct-17 15:10:04

Tammy I've gone through the attempts to have heart to hearts with mum, it ends up with her crying about how awful and weak and pathetic she is and basically blackmailing me to STFU and stop requiring anything of her. Back when I was more involved with her, she fucked me over REALLY badly more than once, and any attempt by me to clear the air would end with her in tears and me comforting her hmm

It's funny because all I actually require of her is for her to verbally chat with me about how I feel every now and again - just to acknowledge my feelings about stuff. But whenever I have needed her during a difficult time in my life, she's invented her own reasons for checking out and avoiding me. E.g. when I left my dh after many years of struggling with him, she decided he must have kicked me out for having an affair, and as such she was going to leave me to it as I'd made my own bed. She literally would change the subject if I even mentioned I was having a tough day.

I suspect she just really hates me having feelings and would like me to swallow them. So - to an extent that's what I do, I just get on with it. But the trick is now, I don't get involved with HER feelings either. And that really fucks her off because I used to be a very good and compassionate shoulder to cry on for her.

I guess that's what it boils down to - she and my sister are pissed off that I have withdrawn my emotional care taking from them.

That's just occurred to me. That's what they are so put out by

God people are so fucking selfish

JellyBabiesSaveLives Sun 08-Oct-17 15:29:36

Oh yes to you not being allowed to have feelings of your own, but being expected to look after their feelings. My mum used to tell me how I was feeling. And talk over me if I dared interrupt and say that actually, I was feeling xxx.

I used to think that sending some cardboard cutouts of me and the kids to visit my family would do just as well as us actually visiting.

They would go on at me to visit, bemoan how little they saw of me, complain that they barely knew their grandchildren. And then when we visited they'd totally ignore the kids, show no interest in me or my life. We'd sit on the sofa and listen to them talking about themselves.

I think if I didn't visit it disturbed their mental image of themselves as loving, successful parents and grandparents. But in reality they weren't that interested in us, and couldn't be bothered to make any effort with the children. I was supposed to play my role - "loving daughter" and meet their needs, and never have any of my own. I just had a walk-on role in their drama.

I don't see them any more. Can't say I miss them!

Bluelonerose Sun 08-Oct-17 16:14:49

Similar situation here db can't put a foot wrong is so much better at everything than me according to dm.

Turning point came when I lost my job dm was shocked to discover I didn't want to spend my time with her turned round to my dad and says "this is how I get treated after everything I've done for you"

I exploded and told her exactly where she could shove her opinions of me and she had 2 choices. Except me as I am or cut ties her choice.

She tries but I can still see eye rolling hmm

Maelstrop Sun 08-Oct-17 16:51:21

I can't understand why you will have her at yours for such a long time. Why can't she stay at your sister's as she's the clear favourite? I'm afraid I wouldn't be putting up with that.

beesandknees Sun 08-Oct-17 17:27:56

She's staying here first as my sister only wants mum around at the time she feels she needs mum. She wants to be alone with her H and baby for as long as that feels right, and then she wants to summon mum once they "have found their feet".

Basically, it's because my sister is spoiled and demanding. She blames anxiety for this. I have sympathy for that, she has diagnosed anxiety, but it is unreasonable.

And on a related note I just asked mum to let me know firm dates, as the open ended dates don't work for me. And she agreed to confirm next week. So that is good!

Glad I started this thread...!

Appuskidu Sun 08-Oct-17 17:31:46

I get on incredibly well with my mum and I would struggle with her staying for 4 weeks! I really think you are possibly underestimating how awful this stay might be. It is a LONG time!

loveisasecondhandemotion Sun 08-Oct-17 17:35:16

Op there is always a black sheep in the family, i am ours!

Nearly 40 years old with my own home, great dp and 2 fabulous dc and I'm constantly being put down and told what to do.
I finally have started standing up for myself and people don't like it, I'm not needy, I don't need them and I think that's what annoys them.

I sort of feel cheated when it comes to my family, they're great to the outside world of course and put on a good show.
I know better.

you can choose your friends...

beesandknees Sun 08-Oct-17 17:37:46

Mum lives two plane rides away and usually stays for 3 weeks, so I'm well acquainted with the fuckery of long stays!

Luckily they aren't frequent, so I only have to recover from a visit every 1-2 years, I count myself lucky really as if she were here every few months I'd have to literally tell her to fuck off.

RandomMess Sun 08-Oct-17 17:38:41

My attempt to post yesterday failed! It said you are the scapegoat bin them off you'll be much happier!

AlternativeTentacle Sun 08-Oct-17 17:48:43

Just let your sister know what a wonderful time you are having with your mum, she will be summoned immediately and out of your hair.

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