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Is this bullying ? Am I a bully

(113 Posts)
kittensinmydinner1 Sat 07-Oct-17 17:52:59

All afternoon dsd has been going on about a particular thing she would like. She asked her df if he would go get it for her. He said no. Not now. (He has been to and fro from the shops all day and we live quite rurally so not a quick walk at least a 30 minute drive)
I asked what time their train home was tomorrow. Then said I would leave 20 minutes earlier and drop her at the shop to get the item. She said she didn't know how to get to the train station from there. (It's a 7 minute walk in a straight line) . I explained this but she looked confused. I then said, no problem. I will take you there. Wait while you get it and drop you at the station.

Her reply was 'I'll just get it at the town where she changes trains'. I felt quite upset by this. I thought I was doing something nice . She has literally gone on all afternoon about this. I told her I thought she was being quite ungrateful. She stomped off and DH accuses me of bullying her. I am really upset. I genuinely thought I was being kind.
DH then comes and shouts at me and has a go for upsetting and abusing his daughter.

I left the house to go and calm down.
I think she was really rude. The message I get is i want xxxx but I don't want your to be involved.
I pick up/drive at the moment because DH has medical condition preventing him driving. I try to make our home welcoming. I have just spend over an hour making a nice supper.
I have been their step mother for over a decade and we have them every fortnight without fail.
Have I missed something. ? Dsd is curled up on the sofa with father.

I don't feel like doing anything more for them as offers to assist make life more enjoyable are construed as bullying and am the bad guy.

DingleBerries Sat 07-Oct-17 17:55:40

I'm not gonna lie, I'd like to hear DSD's version of events.

Santawontbelong Sat 07-Oct-17 17:55:46

I would stick a taxi sign on your car.
And leave the parenting +the strops that come with it to her df. .
Peace for you. grin
Ungrateful madam. .

DeadGood Sat 07-Oct-17 17:57:45

You told her she was being ungrateful? For deciding to pick up the item on her own, so no one else would be impacted?

Overreaction. There must be something else going on here.

Also, you're on a hiding to nothing if you expect gratitude from a teenager for feeding them. If you want her to give thanks, you (or her father) will need to teach it to her, as gratitude won't come naturally at her age.

Beamur Sat 07-Oct-17 17:58:36

This seems like a small thing to fall out over. Are there other things that have bothered you about your DH & DSD?

DeadGood Sat 07-Oct-17 17:58:47

(I am assuming she is a teen.)

Bluntness100 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:00:54

When she said it was ok she could sort it,you say you were quite upset. How did this manifest itself other than telling her she was ungrateful ?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:01:49

I think it sounds like you have offered a lovely favour. And are wrong to be called a bully.

DJBaggySmalls Sat 07-Oct-17 18:02:29

I honestly think you over reacted being upset at her refusal, then they overreacted calling you abusive. Now you feel hurt and have withdrawn.

Is this a recurring pattern for your family? Have a look at the Karpman Drama Triangle, and Eric Bernes books 'I'm OK, Your OK' & 'Games People Play'.
Victim - Persecutor - Rescuer is an enticing game but its not a happy one to get stuck in. The only way to fix it is to refuse to play.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

HeebieJeebies456 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:03:36

Stop the lifts until they both apologise to you....or at least charge them for your time and petrol used.

He's using you as a scapegoat and that isn't on.
The DSD sounds like an entitled brat.
They both need calling out on their shitty behaviour/attitude.

* She said she didn't know how to get to the train station from there. (It's a 7 minute walk in a straight line) . I explained this but she looked confused*

I call bullshit on this. She was just being a lazy fucker who thinks playing 'dumb' is a good manipulation technique.
I would have laughed in her face at that comment and TOLD her i was going to accompany her on a practice session.

kittensinmydinner1 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:03:52

She's 13.

TurquoiseChevrotain Sat 07-Oct-17 18:04:31

@HeebieJeebies456 how sad that you'd treat your 13 year old child like that.

WorraLiberty Sat 07-Oct-17 18:06:12

He has been to and fro from the shops all day and we live quite rurally so not a quick walk at least a 30 minute drive

I pick up/drive at the moment because DH has medical condition preventing him driving

Sorry, if I'm being thick but aren't you saying drove to the shops?

WorraLiberty Sat 07-Oct-17 18:06:40

*He

TurquoiseChevrotain Sat 07-Oct-17 18:07:14

@WorraLiberty haha nice one! Very true OP...

steff13 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:07:37

I think I would have just said, "fine, suit yourself," and left it at that.

Bluntness100 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:08:03

I think the key here is how you being upset manifested itself op.

Jasminedes Sat 07-Oct-17 18:11:13

I think a) she wanted to demand it of her father, and that it was more of an emotional transaction, so you got rejected because of this or b) changing the going home routine got her anxiety up and she just chose to do it her own way - teens always like to do it their own way, heaven forbid they should actually consider other sensible options. I wouldn't worry, but I would step back from trying to help her and him problem solve - it is a big mental load for you, after all - and just say yay or nay when she asks you for things.

And on a seperate note, you sound like a very caring step parent, and she might appreciate this one day! I detested all my dad's partners, and looking back, one was actually nice, sane and reasonable, and I wish I had not been so hard on her. I didn't want to get attached and left again.

Bluntness100 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:11:42

Heebie your post is horrible and your spund like a deeply abusive person.

TiesThatBindMe Sat 07-Oct-17 18:13:04

I too would like to hear the other side of the story.

kittensinmydinner1 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:14:54

I do need to explain the driving thing. DH has a medical condition that does not prohibit him driving (by DVLA and his GP standard) but the children's mother doesn't think it's safe, so to save hassle, I drive the children.

No other discussion at all other than 'I think that's quite ungrateful '. She stormed out of the room at that point. I then said to DH that I thought she was being very rude. (She wasn't there by that point). I /she said nothing else. Rest of the discussion was DH and me. Him calling me a bully and abusive.!

kali110 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:15:20

*I call bullshit on this. She was just being a lazy fucker who thinks playing 'dumb' is a good manipulation technique.
I would have laughed in her face at that comment and TOLD her i was going to accompany her on a practice session.*

Or she genuinely didn't know how to get there. Not everyone is good with directions.
Seeing as she was happy to get it herself i dot think she was lazy.
HeebieJeebies456 how sad that you'd treat your 13 year old child like that.
Agreed TurquoiseChevrotain

Bluntness100 Sat 07-Oct-17 18:17:35

So op, you offered to go out your way for her, said nothing more than that’s ungrateful, and she stormed off and your husband said you’re an abusive bully.

Either there is a huge back story here or something you aren’t telling.

StefMay Sat 07-Oct-17 18:19:05

Nope - no bullying here. Nothing to see...

She's a teenager, and he's trying to look good for his DD. Next time, don;t offer. She wants her Dad to resolve - let him smile good luck!

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 07-Oct-17 18:19:28

Whaf Worra said. That’s exactly what I was thinking when I read the op. Why would your dsd ask her df to go and get something, when she knows he can’t drive?. This is all very confusing. And everyone overreacted. What exactly is going on?

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