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To ask how much money you ever spend on your adult DC?

(23 Posts)
SixtyPence Sat 07-Oct-17 16:55:25

I have an 18 year old who is almost 19 and has taken a gap year. She has been saving as has a part-time job and does a bit of volunteering but does spend 4 days with not much to do - she sometimes pops out but only has 3 days a week where she has to be somewhere.

Other DD is 22 and in full time employment after graduating.

I occasionally give youngest petrol money or if we go out, will buy what she was going to buy, etc. for her, but that's about it. Oldest I occasionally buy her a takeaway (she doesn't live too close) and if I visit, will buy stuff when we are out for her.

One of my friend thinks it's not very much confused and that they pay for their adult child's phone and car insurance too.

Other friend thinks it's far too much and that giving petrol and takeaway money isn't good for them??

blueskyinmarch Sat 07-Oct-17 16:58:55

Our youngest is 19 and at uni. She worked during the summer and saved money for extras but we pay her a monthly living allowance for uni plus her phone. We didn't give her an allowance when she was working and as she was working abroad she was responsible for all her living expenses.

Eldest is 25 and lives 350 miles away. She is responsible for all her own expenses but if she comes home we take her out for meals and treat her a bit.

ShowMePotatoSalad Sat 07-Oct-17 16:59:01

She won't save much on a part time wage..what are her reasons for not working full time?

bigbluebus Sat 07-Oct-17 17:35:25

DS (20) did a year at Uni straight from school (which we funded apart from maintenance loan which only covered halls). He decided he didn't like the course so didn't go back for 2nd year. He still wanted to go to Uni but wanted a year out to decide what he wanted to do, so lived at home. Told him he had to get a job and he managed to secure a job in retail - so minimum wage - part time but was often working over 26hrs a week. As we live rurally and he needed a car to get to work, I bought a car for him to use (it is in my name) but he had to pay for the petrol. I paid insurance but we had already had him on DHs car as a named driver so didn't actually cost any more as we took him off that policy. He paid all his day to day living expenses but no rent/contribution towards household expenses. He saved up and went off on 2 holidays in the summer - usually he had come with us so we had paid for him. He went to 2 European cities so we 'treated' him to the visitor city passes to get him into all the attractions free.

He has now gone back to Uni but hasn't taken the car with him - not necessary in my opinion and he can't afford to run it. He is supposed to be finding a job in his Uni city but in the meantime we are helping him out with small amounts although he is still living off his earnings from his gap year. If we went out for a meal as a family, we would never expect him to contribute - in the same way that if I'd gone for a meal with my parents my DF would always pay - ditto in laws - just because the senior family members with more disposible income tend to pick up the tab! If we go and visit DS in his Uni city, we would treat him to something he wanted within reason (talking £20/£30 gift here not hundreds of pounds). Wouldn't think twice about buying him a new shirt for example, if we went shopping - but that is because we can afford it. If we couldn't he wouldn't expect it.

I think if you can afford to 'treat' your adult DCs then it is your choice to do so. Doesn't mean you are spoiling them. As long as they understand it's a treat and not that they can just ask for anything and expect to have it paid for. Even as an older married houseowning mother I can hear my Mother uttering the words "I'll treat you" if we were out somewhere.

khajiit13 Sat 07-Oct-17 17:37:33

I think giving petrol money if your child is capable of working full time is too much. Take away money is a nice thing to do.

scaryteacher Sat 07-Oct-17 23:14:41

Whilst he is at uni, a lot, as he has no loans at all, and we give him an allowance and pay for his phone.

JennyBlueWren Sat 07-Oct-17 23:39:56

At that age my parents paid for my uni tuition fees (then £1000 a year) and gave me birthday and Christmas presents including expensive things like my first computer. When they visited me (perhaps twice a year) they would treat me to meals out and get a lot of shopping in. (When they first visited I asked where they wanted to go and my mum said that my brother always took them to visit Tescos!).

As we got older they gave much less as regular presents but more for occasion gifts. They paid for my (thrifty) wedding, helped with the deposit on our house and bought lots of big items for my son. I'm aware they've offered similar levels of support to my brothers when they've needed it too.

LovingLola Sat 07-Oct-17 23:46:33

Our 21 year old and 17 year old still live at home. The older one is doing an internship (paid) and is living at home. The 17 year old is in school. Both are fully supported by dh and myself.

Normalserviceissuspended Sat 07-Oct-17 23:46:40

Paid/pay uni tuition fees and about £8k each in living allowance- so £17k each a year when at uni.

Paid 1 car insurance as it is a multi-car policy and I think that I pay all 3 of the mobile phones but on a bulk sim thing. Pay for them go on holiday if they want- but only 1 has this year.

Books sometimes as well for 1 at uni as dyslexic and needs his own.

They do all have a credit card on my account for emergency but none have used it for at least a year.

confusedlittleone Sun 08-Oct-17 10:03:57

Pre kids/marriage (I'm only early 20s anyway) my parents paid for my phone as they got it as a bonus from dads work and would pay for lunch/dinner if we all went out together. Not many of my friends had parents who paid more then that and most paid less. Although to clarify my phone was $5nzd so about £2.50 a month..

Slowtrain2dawn Sun 08-Oct-17 10:06:59

20 and 23, living at home- nothing as they both work full time. But we do loan them money when they run out!
Also I have paid for accommodation so we can all go on holiday but they'll pay for their own flights. They both pay rent too but it's to cover food and bills, I don't really profit. Sometimes I feel like I live in a shared house...

BillThePony Sun 08-Oct-17 10:08:23

I pay dd's accommodation costs at uni. She has to cover everything else but it's a nice big chunk taken care of.

JayDot500 Sun 08-Oct-17 10:13:33


I think your post demonstrates the balance I wish to achieve with my children once are older. I wish your son all the best for his chosen course flowers

Fecks Sun 08-Oct-17 10:14:58

One at uni we pay a living allowance. One at home just graduated and in his first job. He pays for the running of his car but I don't take any money for living expenses from him. We pay for family holidays if they want to come with us and if we go out as a family we pay for everything.
Because we can, we are better off than they are. Both are very hard working and good at budgeting.

CurlyhairedAssassin Sun 08-Oct-17 10:24:52

I was talking about this with someone in work the other day. His son is 21 and living at home and working and he still pays his mobile phone contract for him. I really don’t think it helps to pay for these things once the child is a working adult, especially if they are still livings the family Home so not supporting themselves in their own place.

mine are only early teens but when they go to uni I will pay their tuition fees and living costs (am hoping they live at home for at least one year as we’re in a uni city anyway and lots so here). As soon as they’re working full time they’ll be responsible for their own bills. But if they hve the expense od their own place i’d Treat them to meals out and a food shop if we went together etc. If it was my idea to go on hol together I’d pay for the accommodation.

OP, I think you’re doing the right thing. She’s not really making the most of her gap year if she has that much free time. If you paid for more than what you do you’d just be keeping her reliant on you for longer. If she starts seeing her friends earning and spending on nice things or their own flat etc sbe’ll Realise she can’t stay babied for long.

CakesRUs Sun 08-Oct-17 10:30:45

My son is 21 and works 4 nights a week. His pay is awful so she doesn't pay rent and we pay his phone but never give him cash. He needs to get a better job, my goal is not to pay for him and him give us rent or move out, i fear him becoming a man baby. Uni didn't work out.

Oldie2017 Sun 08-Oct-17 10:30:56

I spent £34,000 on the twins this week paid to Bristol University.,..... so quite expensive.... phew.....

Given older 3 a fair bit towards their properties too (and to ensure they graduated debt free).

I did let my daughters come back home after university to go to law school for 2 years in London as I felt that was a good career path (it was) and I could afford the cost of their food fairly easily. I don't pay anything to the older 3 now they are housed and have jobs apart from fairly modest presents for birthdays. Actually in a sense I do - we have two family holidays a year and the younger ones like the older ones there so I do pay for them if they are free and want to go but that's my choice and I will only do it as long as I can afford it.

My older son is not in high paid work but he will not get a penny more than his lawyer sisters. It's been his choice and at least he's bought a house and works very hard

MomToWedThorFriday Sun 08-Oct-17 10:38:50

I’m 28 and whilst I’m fully independent now, the bank of Mum & Dad pays for meals if they invite us out (and we pay for them if we invite them) and is there for loans if we need it! DHs Mum is more ‘generous’ financially and will throw money at him frequently (he’s 33!) through guilt as he’s the middle child and was largely ignored growing up. My mum is definitely more generous with her time, but we know we can rely on them both if we need them.
When we got married both sets of parents contributed, when we had babies they both bought one ‘big’ item we needed for them etc etc. It’s a good balance I think, we appreciate them very much but expect nothing and we’re very grateful when they do help.

WhoPoppedMyBalloon Sun 08-Oct-17 10:39:00

Surely there is no right or wrong to this?
People can afford different amounts and each DC will have different needs.

Maryz Sun 08-Oct-17 10:43:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elendon Sun 08-Oct-17 11:56:55

So far I've paid £800 towards my daughter's driving lessons I don't mind doing this, and I also pay for her phone contract which is by far the biggest expense. I have told her I will not be renewing it.

Fecks Sun 08-Oct-17 12:14:19

I do think it's slightly different whether you are talking about an older DC who is still in education, whether school or university, as they are dependents, compared with a DC who is working for a living.
I am choosing to help my working DC by not taking rent because he is saving hard to afford his own home.

As others have said it's also nice to treat them unexpectedly, even if it's nothing expensive.

SilverySurfer Sun 08-Oct-17 12:53:45

I think that when you become an adult, it's nice to repay (not financially) your parents for a wonderful childhood by treating them - lunches, the occasional weekend away. Seemed the right thing to do and they always appreciated what I did for them.

There weren't the pressures to have the latest iphone or whatever - mobiles hadn't even been invented - so its nice I guess if you as a parent can help with some of those costs.

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