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To not see my friend at her house

(3 Posts)
HipsterAssassin Sat 07-Oct-17 15:09:23

Ok, so, I care an awful lot about my friend (hence feeling bad about this). She has dc and a an abusive ex who she is still entangled with. Few years ago she met a man who is also abusive/controlling/misogynist, just with a different flavour from previous partner. They moved in after 12 months (yes indeed) kids moved school etc. Even when they were only just together he made her move jobs due to being convinced she was having an affair with a colleague. In our friendship group moody likes this man. We only see her for girls nights. Recently due to his unreasonable nature their relationship deteriorated, house on the market. He has ramped up his abusive behaviour saying she is abusive, no standards, is a terrible mother, has ruined his life, he is utterly controlling (when they initially had problems he emptied the joint account etc.). Basically he is following the script of a Grade A Bastard. He has called her a cold whore. I find him utterly repellent. I'm the only one of our friends who knows they are 'in the process of separating' and have been supporting her. Offering bed for the occasionally etc. I can't stop thinking of the poor dc. Friend does not identify with this a domestic abuse.

She text me this morning saying could I pop over. So I said vaguely I could swing by but wasn't specific re times. So when I got round there (she wasn't expecting me at that precise time) his car was in the drive. I text her and asked is he there and she said 'yes'. I just felt I couldn't go in, partly because I think they are at risk of re-uniting and I am not fully up to speed on what's going on in there. I would feel too uncomfortable and don't want to share oxygen with him. Plus dc are also there. It would be so stressful. Previously when I've been round there for cuppa he wouldn't leave us alone (I never went back) I could not bring myself to go in there. I drove away and said I was really sorry but I felt too uncomfortable about coming when he is there. She said 'ok'.

Got nobody I can talk to about this.

Am I a terrible friend?

MimsyFluff Sat 07-Oct-17 16:28:07

My close friend is in the same type of relationship except they moved in together after 3 months angry I can't see her without him inviting himself along and I don't want to invite her on a girls night out because I don't want him left alone with her DS sad but knowing him he'd just come along anyway or she just wouldn't come. I haven't seen her since July sad. We've all told her that he isn't good but she's blind to it all her young teenager has moved in with his GP's I had to tell her I couldn't see her around him anymore I can't have him around my DC.

HipsterAssassin Sat 07-Oct-17 16:38:15

Thanks Mimsy so awkward and difficult to walk the right line, I worry that she'll see it as a slight against her because she tells me she 'still loves him' and I'm the only one she has told what's really happening. But I just couldn't go in there.

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