Any introverts out there? How do you cope with in laws?(24 Posts)
The situation is that I’ve always mean very introvert, but since I had my second child I’ve also had anxiety and I’m pretty exhausted most of the time. I work in a busy job and on top of all the dcs parties, clubs and so on, I desperately need my weekends to recharge.
In laws like to spend a lot of time with us, we often try to stop by during the week but it’s still guaranteed they will ring us every single weekend to come over. That’s fine, if we aren’t busy we say fine or we try to get to theirs to see them. My biggest problem is that dh will often do things with his dad at weekends, all fine, only every time mil wants to come and spend the day with me. She doesn’t drive so it means fil dropping her in off in the morning and the whole day.
I can’t cope with it, I can’t relax at all with people in my house. I’m never going to change, believe me I have tried, it’s just my personality type, I like my own company and only need to socialise in very small doses. I’m not including my husband and children in this.
I can’t keep lying saying I’m busy because often I’m not, I simply need the freedom of my weekends to do as I please.
Yeah I’m with you that would be hell.
Have you told your husband you’re not comfortable? Why does she want to do that?
I think your DH needs to be the gatekeeper more. Does he know how you feel?
How do you feel about your DH swanning off with his dad for the whole day when you have children? Doesn't sound very fair. You both need time.
Husband knows how I feel but just says he’ll make an excuse.
All sounds fair enough but I end up feeling very very guilty.
It’s made worse that every time this comes up I make an excuse, but the hint is not taken and it’s becoming awkward.
This kind of thing should be nipped in the bud before it becomes 'routine'.
They aren't your parents, you aren't obliged to spend your precious spare time with them. Your DH needs to have the conversation with them. MIL needs to find other things to do at the weekends, or your DH and FIL need to bring her along to wherever they are going.
A whole day every weekend is FAR too much.
Is your MIL lonely? Does she have any hobbies? Do your kids like having her around at the weekend?
Would you be able to talk to her about it? If you are honest and saynyou really enjoy her company but need to have some time to yourself? How would that go?
And I know it's hard, but don't feel guilty.
I’m not really bothered about dh doing stuff with his dad, without outing myself completely they aren’t off to the pub and the eldest often goes with them.
I don’t think she’s lonely she has a job, friends, social life and other children. We have the grandchildren though so that might be why.
How old are the DC? Could you leave them with her while you go out shopping/for a run/whatever and get some time to yourself?
Even if you just want to relax in the house, then that's a plan and you don't need to apologise for it. I had to explain to DH that I need some space every week, just to refocus.
I find I'm better if there is a plan in place for seeing my MIL (who is lovely). So perhaps start a every last weekend of the month where you see her, so you can say 'oh, have plans for this week, but would love to see you for lunch on X if you can make it'. And also get DH on board, saying he needs to spend time with her as well as FIL and that you get 2 weekends a month without having to explain to MIL that you're busy.
Also perhaps join a gym where the DC can go swimming (with MIL possibly) and you can recharge with coffee and a paper or in the gym. DC & MIL can burn up energy, you can get some headspace. Or be very direct and just ask her if she can take the DC to the park and give you a chance to get some bits done. (Even if that's listening to music/reading). Or if the DC are too old to be supervised, then just keep gym kit (filled with books if you hate gym) by the door and just be heading out as part of a 'health kick'. Every weekend. Gym class, plus swim & coffee after, should take at least 2-3 hours.
Tell your DH to sort it.
They're his parents.
Stop feeling guilty. Even if you loved and adored them we all need space at some point.
I'm an introvert with an extrovert exterior. I love people but CBA with them.
It sounds like your mil can't be bothered to find something for herself to do every weekend so tags along for the ride with your fil. When do you get time to yourself, to do things you want to do, catching up at home, spending time with dc etc? I think you need to be honest, hard as it is, and say maybe every 3rd weekend is fine, but not every week. It's not your job to entertain her. She'll still get to see grandkids. I would hate to have someone else here every week, luckily we have the opposite, I can't remember the last time I saw my mil!
Thing is this is so easily sorted if you can let go of that guilt. You shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting to use your free time as you choose.
Perhaps she's concerned about you being left at the weekends whilst your dh is off with his Dad? Have you tried talking to her about it? She might see that you're tired and this is her way of giving some help and support.
Agree with Scary she may be "worried" about you being on your own. My MIL was like this with me, Dh often had to work at weekends and she kept hinting we should do things together. I had to be quite firm and tell her I liked being on my own with the dc and needed that time at the weekends to recharge. She actually found it difficult to understand as she totally opposite.
You need to talk to your Dh and decide on a way to approach this and stop it. There are ways around it. Maybe dh drives the dc to MILs house in the morning before he goes off and you collect them whenever it suits you?
You can sort this
Don't feel guilty! Sounds like you do a lot to iNclude them so you've no need to carve out your own time. I'm an introvert (with an extrovert exterior as someone said up thread, I love that description BTW!!) and in my experience extroverts just don't 'get' why we need time alone. So, no use explaining. Is she's not taking the hint and if she's not bothered by excuses then don't feel bad. Or else develop a hobby that requires lots of alone time (writing a book, maybe?! )
Argh sorry, so you've no need not to carve out your own time
Get DH to drop the other DC with MIL and him tell her that you need some time alone to recharge at the weekends. If he doesn't explain to her how will she ever know?
I absolutely couldn't handle that, it's too frequent. I handle my (extroverted, loud and boisterous) in-laws by having short scheduled visits not too frequently. Luckily DH completely agrees with me and can only cope with them in small doses, plus he has no qualms about asking them to leave when we've had enough. Get your DH on board, they're his family to deal with.
I love the ILs, its my own DM that drives me nuts.
I find it easier to go out and do something rather than be at home, so it on neutral ground and isn't an invasion of my turf iyswim. I take DD and DM to the garden centre or the beach or something where we are doing something together, rather than being at close quarters and forced to chat too much.
No excuses needed, tell her you want time alone with your kind ds or that you want time in your house alone. Every weekend would drive me nuts. Why isn't your dh doing more to stop this?
You need to find a way for DMil to have quality time with your DC, while you have quality time with yourself.
PP suggested going swimming, would that work? DMil can play with the DC while you go and do some lengths on your own. Say you want to get fit or something and would she please do you a favour and look after the kids while you go.
I couldn't cope with that OP. As PP said, mention that you are writing a book/writing a blog for work etc and need some alone time, ask if she would like the kids at her house and then you get a break.
Ok you might not be able to fend her off every week but say 3 weeks out of 4 isn't bad.
She's probably an extrovert who cannot comprehend that being alone is the best way for an introvert to recharge. They don't get it.
I get this, and for me it is soul destroying. I don't have inlaws anymore (died). But I do have a very needy brother who won't acnowledge that I can't handle having people over, or talking on the phone. I'm so introverted I need to be able to not have my home invaded. I go swimming one hour every week days with a very similar minded person, and I'm so grateful that she understands me not being rude by not having her in the house, she just gets it.
I have no advice other than I think your husband needs to explain the situation.
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