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to consider this type of separation ?

(18 Posts)
mikado1 Sat 07-Oct-17 07:40:45

Myself and Dc are living away from DH Mon-Fri at moment, due to work. I have posted about difficulties before and now haven't been spoken to for the last 5 weekends apart from one word responses to my questions and comments. I am not blameless but can't see a life ahead of silence, sulks anger and general joylessness.

So we're waiting on keys for a new house. Am I mad to consider suggesting going ahead with this and separating? My idea would be that we'd try the 'nesting' thing- he would live/stay in the house for his time with dc and I could stay away. It would mean that current status quo could continue-me with dc majority of time but without being ignored when he's around? The mortgage is much less than even a smaller rental though we would have to put joint savings in to buy in first place.

I am not coming up with this lightly, I have repeatedly tried to jolly him along, open up discussion and suggested counselling but I've been ignored.

BottleBeach Sat 07-Oct-17 10:17:36

I don't think YWBU to consider any kind of separation at all in those circumstances. What a horrible way to live, being ignored like that. And what a dreadful atmosphere for your children to be living in. flowers

confusedlittleone Sat 07-Oct-17 10:20:50

Not unreasonable to separate however extremely unreasonable to let him kick you out of the house whenever he wants to see the children. If he wants to see the children he can take them out for an hour or whatever

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 07-Oct-17 11:22:36

I don't think I've read your previous threads, so am responding purely on the information in your OP.

I'm unclear as to why you are moving house. Why not just stay where you are, avoid the physical upheaval?

If you do as you suggest, move out while he visits the children - how sure are you of regaining access? What's to stop him changing the locks and claiming you've left him and the children? Or, what's to stop him from trashing your personal possessions, or snooping through everything? What's to stop this becoming a total nightmare?

mikado1 Sat 07-Oct-17 12:51:20

Thank you for feedback. I should have explained - we're between houses at moment anyway so either way we need somewhere to live. He could continue with (better) job he's doing at mo and I could be rp and allow him to 'nest', thus not upending the dc quite so much.. current situation awful

mikado1 Sat 07-Oct-17 13:05:37

WhereYouLeftIt, for one I think the temporary parenting might suit him just fine and I am imagining mediation etc to iron out and copperfasten arrangements.. I hate that finances have to play a role in all this but that's life.

shakingmyhead1 Sat 07-Oct-17 13:20:52

is that where you both have a small bedsit type flat and whom evers turn it is with the kids moves into the jointly owned family home and the other goes to their bedsit for the few days?, i have read a story about a parenting team who do that and it suits them but it is something you both need to really discuss and be on board with, also its paying the two rents and the mortgage ( 2 bedsits/flats and family home)
I cant imagine it would be very easy if you both cant effectively communicate as this arrangement would need serious communication and compromise on both sides

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 07-Oct-17 13:34:18

"I am imagining mediation etc to iron out and copperfasten arrangements."
He has ignored your suggestion to go to counselling, why do you think he wouldn't ignore a suggestion of mediation?

This is an arrangement that CAN work well, but only between two parents who co-operate, and he won't even speak to you. Frankly, I think trying to do this would potentially make you very vulnerable.

And where would you go when he is there anyway?

mikado1 Sat 07-Oct-17 14:33:40

I was thinking I could stay with my parents if it's one day a week and eow. He's located elsewhere with job anywhere so he could just travel for visits.. I'm only in initial stages of thinking out how it could work so really appreciate all thoughts.

mikado1 Sat 07-Oct-17 14:38:25

Perhaps am being naive but I hope that if it's a case of marriage over he will put dc first.. such a mess.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 07-Oct-17 14:57:39

So sorry this is happening to you sad. It is not wrong to hope that he will put the children first. But I am a 'hope for the best, plan for the worst' sort of person. And from your OP, I really think you need to be planning for the worst - that he would NOT put the children first. If he does it's a bonus, if he doesn't you've already [plans in place.

He must be aware your marriage is in trouble. Is he aware it could be over? If he isn't, I would keep it that way, at least until you have thought through your options and plans.

mikado1 Sat 07-Oct-17 15:14:22

Really? And continue with buying house? I thought Latin it on line might make him realise seriousness and may be jump at counselling or at least go into house with awareness of possible future.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 07-Oct-17 15:30:43

You know him, I don't. Be realistic with yourself - he's happy to not talk to you for five weeks. How is he really likely to react? Jump at counselling? Is that really likely?

How far along has the move progressed? How 'between houses' are you? You say you're waiting for keys - does this mean you have actually bought the house?

How much time do you have to think things through?

And if you do choose to lay it on the line, and he does not jump at counselling; where, in practical terms, does that leave you (and the children)? Homeless, or OK?

mikado1 Sat 07-Oct-17 15:41:05

Probably 4 weeks away from closing.. it'd leave us homeless really, already outstaying welcome in relatives. If got into house I could cover mortgage.. I can now understand why people just stay.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 07-Oct-17 16:21:53

So - if you continue as you are just now, in four weeks you will have completed the house purchase, can move in, and if your marriage ends you would be able to afford the house? Is that correct?

If you don't complete on this house - then what? Move out from relatives and rent somewhere? Would relatives be more welcoming with the changed circumstances?

OK, I'm going back to the beginning. Your OP - you're asking whether a particular type of separation could work, so you're already thinking of (decided upon?) separation, just thinking through how to make it work.

'How to make it work' depends on the goodwill of both the parents towards each other. He doesn't sound as if he has much goodwill. I don't think you can make your suggested method work. Frankly I'm wondering how you will make the house purchase work under these conditions, when he won't even talk to you. You're considering separation, heaven only knows what he's considering.

mikado1, how do you think he will react if you tell him you're considering separating? Do you really think he will have an epiphany, or will he be spiteful and make life difficult?

mikado1 Sat 07-Oct-17 16:38:23

I typed a reply but it's disappeared! :/

I would be able to afford monthly repayment but joint money is paying a big chunk of overall cost.. I couldn't buy him out.

Tbh I think he'll be indifferent if he responds at all, he seems to think not interacting at all is doable/acceptable. I'm so hurt by the utter lack of care and interest in me, his wife and the one parenting his dc solo 5d a week.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 07-Oct-17 17:01:33

Then I think maybe it's time to make some decisions.

Do I want to continue buying this house? Do I want to live there as a sole parent, or would a house somewhere else (closer to family.friends/support network/my employer) work better for me?

Do I want to tell my husband I'm considering separating, before or after the house purchase is through? Will he scupper it from spite?

Having separated, how do I want to handle his access to the children?

You're asking about the thing I consider third in line for your priorities.

You're not going to make these decisions at the snap of your fingers. Is there anyone in real life that you can talk this through with?

mikado1 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:32:18

Thank you so much for feedback. I suppose I'm jumping to three because it's the most important one to me-howvcsn I protect the dc as best I can? I've said now we need counselling as I'm not putting up witg being stonewalled.

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