Am I being an unreasonable bitch?(45 Posts)
Long story but the short version is that 5 months ago DH decided he wanted to change jobs as the one he was in was stressful/ nights. Fair enough. But the new job he took was £1000 a month less and at the time I voiced strong concerns, asked how he was going to make up the difference in our budget etc. He ignored all of it- and now 5 months down the line we are financially broken and it's caused no end of problems. I'm really angry and really worried- I can, luckily, return to full time work in my job and it's well paid - it will be a couple of months before I can do it.
But the whole thing is a nightmare-- DH has taken no responsibility at all for the decision and the predicament we find ourselves in now. We have gone from being pretty ok to being barely able to afford food and its totally because of his job. I think he's been selfish/ unreasonable/ has put our family life at risk and has worried our children as they overheard a row and my 9 year old said he was scared. FFS. It makes me even madder that my children feel insecure too.
I feel like it's come down to me to sort the mess out- I might even have to ask my parents to lend me money to get through the next month or two. DH will take no responsibility and says that I am putting him under pressure and I am an unreasonable bitch (hence the title) - Aibu to be fuming at the position he has put us in? I feel like leaving but at the moment I can't because of the financial crisis he has caused
Yanbu, that is a massive drop in salary. I'd be fuming.
He did have to think of his health and could have ended up with no job due to stress. Night work is a killer. Can you not go back to work sooner? Can you get other work meantime? I dont think there is any point in blaming him as it sounds like you have not been working yourself for some time. Try and work it out as a team. Stress leads to blaming and is not productive.
I have no words of advice but you're definitely not an unreasonable bitch. That drop in salary and he's basically left it on you to solve the issue from what you've said... it's impossible. How could a loving husband and father do that to his family??
Yanbu. I can understand hating his job and wanting to leave, but to be quite happy to drop £1k a month, and ignoring your concerns, he is being the unreasonable bitch.
But hey, as long as he is happy, that's all that matters
Yanbu, and he is burying his head in the sand.
You need to be able to have a rational, grown-up discussion about income and outgoings to make ends meet in the long term.
Not sure you'll be able to find £1000/month just by shopping in aldI and turning the heating down. Will one of you have to pick up more hours/a second job to cover it or can he find anything else that he's happier with but on a reasonable salary?
@junebirthdaygirl I do work - 30 hours a week- just not full time as do school runs etc.
YANBU I'd be fuming too. I agree he needed to change jobs, BUT he should have done it at a time, and with agreement from you, when it was convenient and not just when 'he wanted to'
He shouldn't have left his job without a firm or lan for how to make up the £12K per year shortfall.
Health - mental and physical- is really, really important. I would (and have!) support my DH to change jobs with a salary cut in order for his MH to be better. But £12K is a lot to the average family, and there's no way I would be onboard without a budget meeting, going through everything with a fine tooth comb etc.
What are his plans to help fix the situation? And is he happier in his work at least?
I don't think he was unreasonable to want to leave a stressful job.
Why does he alone have to make up the shortfall?
How old are your dc?
Have you amended spendings to correlate more with his loss of earnings?
I can see both sides here,but arguing over who's unreasonable or not,who's the bitch and who's selfish won't help things.
Is this job/pay permanent or is there opportunity for promotions/pay rise?
Is he happier now?
It's difficult to say as surely you both sat down and wrote out a budget before he accepted the new job to ensure you can break even and cover the basics, bills and food etc..... what does the missing 1000 go towards? if it's luxuries like expensive clothes, hols, gym etc then I'd have to say his health is more important. However if the 1000 means not meeting mortgage payments well that altogether unacceptable.
What do you mean by he takes no responsibility? You mentioned it several times in your post.
Hard to say really.
Him being stressed, wanting to move jobs, you not being open to the idea, stalling on when it could happen, just being forced to cut a few luxuries etc, yabu.
Him deciding to move jobs with no real discussion on it and leaving you short of money for basics, yanbu.
I did a budget and we can just about cover the basics with no life at all. I said this at the time. He's not that much happier because it's caused money issues. There is meant to be the opportunity for overtime etc but in 5 months there has been very little of it. My salary would increase by about 500 if I went full time so would help a lot.
If you chose to change job and have such a big drop in income, you also spend a hell of a time looking at how to budget and whether it's actually possible or not.
It looks like he is burying his head in the sand and is hoping it will just go away on his own.
Whilst you do all the working out re budget, asking your parents for help etc... all of which he should be just as involved as you are.
yabu, hes told you he cannot cope mentally, the arguments in front of your child are both your responsibility, this should STOP!!!
you are struggling, however as is your dh!!! what measures are you taking to support him ad also what professional measures has he sought?
Knowing that you working full time will still leave you short if £500, what is the plan next?
Is he hoping you will be able to live in that?
Is he planning to look for another job that pays more?
How is he planning to help your/HIS family feel confortable (financially) again?
so you may need to take full time work if you can mentally cope with it, he needs to get better until he ca find himself better employment opportunity until he can find a career that suits his individual needs, yes he may have a family, however that does not mean his MH has to suffer because of it.
Err Haud I think the OP has already taken a hell of a lot of measures to support him
She is supporting changing his job to one that suits him better
She is increasing her hours at work
She is asking for money form her parents
She is putting a budget together.
However I am yet to see how HE is supporting the OP in all of that...
And what if the OP MH actually can cope with working full time?
Then what happens? Is it still OK for her DH to have no involvement at all in sorting all that out?
So far he has nicely looked after himself.
What about he starts to look after his family too, like his dcs, to be be sure they actually have food in the cupboard?
Sorry it should have been
Whatnif the OP MH can NOT cope with working full time?
Oh op that’s tough my DH did that to us he just walked out of a 60k a year job he now earns a lot less for me personally it’s that he took a unilateral decision when we had a young baby and I’m afraid it’s something I’ll never forgive him for he also only gave me 6 weeks notice. We’ve never recovered financially or emotionally. He buried his head in the sand it’s still there and I view him in a different light now. Unfortunately his new job is no better and now he’s angry all the time. I’m retraining but with a view to being self supporting he’s joked that once I’m working he’ll be a SAHD
I don’t know what to suggest can you talk it out with him but the thing I’ve learned is that some people just don’t want responsibility and keep dropping balls because they know you’ll pick it up
Hope things are different for you
He ruined our credit rating
could you move into a smaller house? switch to cheaper grocery shopping? use discount sites? switch gas/electricity/tv/phone packages?
I'd LTB if it were me.
I have no idea of the state of your dh's mental health, so couldn't possibly say how unreasonable you are being. He must have been in a pretty bad place to take such a drastic salary cut, though. Were there/are there no better paid alternatives to his current role?
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