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To not punish DS?

(161 Posts)
LoyaltyAndLobster Fri 06-Oct-17 18:30:06

DS6 was involved in an incident during lunch time at school today, in which he bent back another child’s finger. A little bit of a back story since starting the new term he has become more closer to another boy (lets just call him L) in his class that he wasn’t as close to before – about two weeks ago I noticed that his lunch box had been coming back more or less empty, he normally just drinks his drink and eats a little bit of the fruit I put in for him, 70% of the time his roll/sandwich comes back untouched but when it doesn’t come back I always ask did he eat it all, and his answer to that is always “just a little bit” cut a long story short – I found out that he has been “sharing” his word for giving, his lunch with L, which I am fine about, it is not an issue as the food he doesn’t eat only goes in the bin anyway, also a few times he has asked if he we have some popcorn/sweets that I can put in his lunch box “because L likes them” the school lunch policy is very strict and those kind of foods are forbidden.

At beginning of this week DS told me that he doesn’t want to share his food with L anymore because L doesn’t say please and just takes it without asking. In any other situation I would have spoken to his teacher about it, but I see it as a very embarrassing situation. I would never want to be confronted by anyone and told my child eating has been someone else’s lunch. Yes I understand that they’re children but there are certain boundaries that you don’t cross, and at age 6 a child should know that’s one of them. So I told DS that if it happens again he is to say "no" to L and tell the nearest member of staff.

When DP collected DS from school this afternoon he was told by his teacher what happened during lunch break and also that DS got pretty upset afterwards but wouldn’t tell any staff what happened. He told DP on the way home what happened and why he did it. Which was L he kept taking his food, and drinking DS drink first and drinking it all.

I am very disappointed in DS and I can say as his mother what he did was very spiteful, and if someone was to do the same thing to him I would be furious. But I have decided that am not going to punish him for what he did or even speak to him about what happened, because I don't want him to feel bad and also because the other child has been taking advantage out of him. Do you think AIBU?

GeillisTheWitch Fri 06-Oct-17 18:34:24

I do think YABU for not even speaking to your son to let him know that any kind of violence is totally unacceptable, and for not raising it with the teacher in the first place when it could probably have been sorted out without getting to that point.

Pengggwn Fri 06-Oct-17 18:34:27

YABU. He did what you told him not to do and he hurt another child and got into trouble. Of course you need to speak to him about it.

LIZS Fri 06-Oct-17 18:34:33

You should have stopped him sharing his lunch and asked school to check. You can't know whether the other child is allergic to something or overeating at your ds expense. You gave him strategies which he failed to follow. He deliberately hurt the child instead so yes you need to reinforce that this is unacceptable behaviour.

AuntLydia Fri 06-Oct-17 18:35:31

You really need to speak to the school. There could be a reason L is taking another child's food - is he getting enough food at home? I'm not sure I'd punish your ds either. I don't mean to be harsh, honestly, but I think you let this go on too long. Your son was in a position where he was completely ill equipped to deal with another child taking his food so he lashed out.

Oysterbabe Fri 06-Oct-17 18:36:33

Yes yabu. Violence is not the answer.

FenceSitter01 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:37:28

This could be a safeguarding issue. 'L' might be genuinely hungry.

There are a lot of 'squeezed middles' who don't qualify for FSM and its their children who often are on a meagre diet.

Whosthemummynow Fri 06-Oct-17 18:38:28

Yabu to not speak to the teacher about it!!
I don't understand fully why you didn't? You made your ds feel totally alone in that situation, and look how that turned out.
There are times that we really do need to fight our kids battles for them

Pickleypickles Fri 06-Oct-17 18:40:37

I agree speak to the school on monday about why it happened but i dont think its fair to punish ds, yes he handled it wrong but i wouldnt want my child to think if you stick up for yourself you get in trouble.

LIZS Fri 06-Oct-17 18:40:49

A 6 yo has the option of a free school meal , in England at least. Or are you not in UK op?

bridgetreilly Fri 06-Oct-17 18:41:03

You don't want him to feel bad? For physically hurting another child?

Why not?

I don't understand any of your decisions in this situation, tbh, but I really don't get this.

AuntLydia Fri 06-Oct-17 18:42:02

There are other areas of the UK where there aren't free school meals for all infants.

Mehfruittea Fri 06-Oct-17 18:42:54

Agree YABU. My DS is friends with a boy who just has no off switch when it comes to food. I've seen the boy eat cake paper cases and play doh. My DS has shared some lunch sometimes and I wasn't sure how complicit DS was. I had a quick chat with the other mum and resolved it. But the eating remains an issue for the other boy. You don't know what's going on in other people's homes and with their kids.

Pickleypickles Fri 06-Oct-17 18:44:11

bridget because hes 6?! Because it was a one off ? Or because another child was stealing off him?
I think all those are perfectly good reasons not to punish a child over something.
Continued un provoked behaviour absolutely needs dealing with, but a tiff when the other boy is STEALING no i dont think OPs son needs any more punishment, he already got punished in school.

LoyaltyAndLobster Fri 06-Oct-17 18:46:17

This is first time DS has done something like this, he has never ever hurt another child!

I didn’t speak to his teacher about it, due me feeling embarrassed about the whole situation. L is definitely being fed well at home as he is much heavier than all the other children in the class.

LoyaltyAndLobster Fri 06-Oct-17 18:49:49

@LIZS - Yes I am in the U.K. DS is at a private prep, so free school meals or the child not being fed at home could never be an excuse for the other child to help himself to my sons lunch.

Quartz2208 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:50:48

Did he get punished at school, personally I feel school punishment followed by a discussion of why he was punished and how to handle it next time. Also I would raise with the teacher the lunch issue so they can be separated

LoyaltyAndLobster Fri 06-Oct-17 18:51:02

@Pickleypickles - Thank you flowers I can only assumed that DS had, had enough of him taking his food.

isadoradancing123 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:51:26

I would not punish him

wheresmycake Fri 06-Oct-17 18:58:31

Maybe ds snapped because he hasn't had a good coping strategy before now when someone was stealing his food and he didn't know how to express frustration early enough to stop it. Ywbu to be 'embarrassed' and not raise it with the school when u found out and expect a 6yo to deal with it basically alone. Reiterating that violence isn't the answer is fine, but he needs to know its nit right for someone else to eat all his food and how to say no

Fluffypinkpyjamas Fri 06-Oct-17 19:00:11

I wouldn't punish DS. L may now think twice about stealing other peoples food the little sod grin

FenceSitter01 Fri 06-Oct-17 19:00:21

LoyaltyAndLobster I applaud your naivety that you think 'rich' children don't go hungry. Anyway. As an aside, you want some form of justification for your son being abusive but you're not finding it here.

I wouldn't punish him, but I would tell him off for hurting the other boy, and reiterate that, if this problem recurs, he should tell a teacher or dinner lady.

Quartz2208 Fri 06-Oct-17 19:02:28

You need to speak to the teacher, not only to find out what happened but to try and prevent it happening again

Being embarrassed is the worst thing you can show your son

FenceSitter01 Fri 06-Oct-17 19:02:41

An irrelevance, two prep schools near me have gone bust. Parents cant afford to pay the fees. Don't assume people at prep school are minted, their circumstances change rapidly especially if self employed or get made redundant.

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