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Boyfriend didn't put my name on birthday card ..would you be bothered?

(33 Posts)
Kellyrobinson2345 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:23:52

My boyfriend and I were together 4 years then he dumped me.
After a year we got back together and then split again.
Whilst split I found out I was pregnant and got back together,when he was born he moved in with me and my older son (previous relationship).
Today is his uncles birthday and he wrote the card out "happy birthday love "sons name" "boyfriends name" and other son not included.
He did the same with his mums birthday.
He constantly posts pics to his Facebook of our son "my world" "this man is what's important "
What about me? And my eldest?
Makes me doubt if he only is with me and a family for our son
Aibu ?

MegRichardson Fri 06-Oct-17 18:27:06

Firstly, it's brilliant that he cares so much about his son.

However, it doesn't look like he is quite so enamoured of both you and your other son. I guess that you need to talk to him about this. If you call him out on it, there's a possibility that he will say things that you don't want to hear.

Junglefowl Fri 06-Oct-17 18:27:25

I don't think the card is the issue but how you are feeling and the card is representative of how you feel treated. Yes I would really mind as it sounds as if he is remaining emotionally separate - I nearly always sign from DH and i and the children unless it's a letter just from me that is more personal (a birthday card isn't that)

Kellyrobinson2345 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:29:43

I just don't understand why he would write
"Happy birthday mum love me and *,me and my eldest are always with him at mums (well not always but a lot of the time"
Since our son is older it's always the two of them out together ..

Kellyrobinson2345 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:30:49

I just keep thinking he didn't mind walking away from me and eldest before our son was born ..but he wouldn't do that so easy now..
I'm rambling ..

FizzyGreenWater Fri 06-Oct-17 18:33:25

Wow. No, you are not being unreasonable.

If this is the way things are, then I'll be blunt: you need to split for the sake of both your children.

He seems to want to piggy back on the 'family' in order to be dad to his son - but isn't interested in you, or more importantly, accepting your son and his child's brother as a member of his family too.

Your older son will be utterly damaged by this. If there's going to be a male parent figure in the house, then that person needs to be HIS parent too. Not some bloke who makes it clear the division between him and his brother. And it's just as bad for your other son who also doesn't need to have someone driving a wedge into the family, treating him differently to his sibling, not being a proper 'dad' in the household.

It also goes without saying that a man like this isn't worth having anyway! What kind of good dad treats two siblings differently, just because one is his biologically and the other isn't? What kind of good partner acts the way you describe?

Get rid. He can be a father to your younger son from afar, which will be better for all of you. You're clearly a family unit which this man doesn't want to be part of. Fine, but he doesn't get to be like that from within your home and cause sadness, bad feeling and division.

steff13 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:34:14

He'd be walking away from his own child now. It doesn't sound like he's particularly bonded with your child.

Junglefowl Fri 06-Oct-17 18:36:06

Yes that is even more hurtful that he is leaving you off the card and choosing only 'his' son when his mum sees you together . I don't want to say the wrong thing as can easily get the wrong idea without knowing the situation in real life but I would really question whether I'd want my eldest growing up with a male figure like this unless he treats him fairly and kindly- does your eldest have a good relationship with his own dad as if not your boyfriends attitude might affect his self esteem? Not to mention yours. I would definitely need a strong chat as it's unacceptable if he is commited to you

Kellyrobinson2345 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:36:45

I'm pleased you don't think I'm being a drama queen...

Kellyrobinson2345 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:37:58

I honestly think he doesn't love my eldest like he loves our son.
That hurts but I guess it's understandable

FenceSitter01 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:40:06

How does the other father react? Is he involved in the other childs life? Do you think he would be accepting of another man acting as a pseudo father to his child?

Kellyrobinson2345 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:41:52

My eldest doesn't know his dad.

Kellyrobinson2345 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:42:30

My mum had to get me flowers for Mother's Day as we were arguing and she knew he wouldn't bother

FizzyGreenWater Fri 06-Oct-17 18:44:45

The card to his mum is utterly unacceptable.

He LIVES with you, and your two children, and by doing that he is accepting that he has a partner and two children. That's it.

He doesn't get to enjoy a comfy family life, partly created by YOU, and then send cards which basically scream 'there are just two of us in MY family as far as I'm concerned'.

The Facebook bullshit - well, I've got a low tolerance for the type of dad who seems to spend half his life posting pics of the kids all 'ma boyyyy' as I've noticed a high correlation between that and actually being a totally shit useless parent, but that's just me. All mouth and no trousers springs to mind. I'm less than surprised he's the type to do this.

How about saying to him - right, if it's just you and 'your boy' in your family, then I tell you what, you set up your own home, where you can get to be the parent to just your own child, which is what you seem to want, when he is with you. You take on all the responsibility for that. Then and only then will that card be appropriate. That card right now is a LIE because there are two other people in your son's family - you want to ignore them, then leave and stop taking advantage of the family home WE create.

milliemolliemou Fri 06-Oct-17 18:45:09

Why don't you talk to him calmly? Possibly not over the card issue.
But do be prepared for answers you might not want.

Does he play with your older son? take them both out together? contribute to the household? Where do you spend Christmas? do you see his mother and uncle together as a family? Does your older child still see his father and go out with him and see that side of the family?

I don't know what to advise but if your older son neither sees his birth father and is ignored by your other half, he may have serious issues later on and you need to be on his side and supporting him. If I were him I'd be very angry and mistrustful of adults and authority and deeply hurt.

Kellyrobinson2345 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:50:19

He still will take my eldest out but obviously not as much as our child.
Then he will write things on Facebook
First weekend just me and my boy in ages ..can't wait ..feeling blessed.
It winds me up.
I don't bother saying anything because he will just sulk

Kellyrobinson2345 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:50:33

Christmas is always with his family

Kellyrobinson2345 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:51:10

A lot of the time he just takes our son to his mums and if we are visiting my mum we all go

Kellyrobinson2345 Fri 06-Oct-17 18:52:25

When our son was born he said wanted to get a cot at his mums for him and our son to have sleepovers..I said no

HalloweenStar Fri 06-Oct-17 19:01:30

I agree with what FizzyGreen said. My ex-h has never met his son but as soon as he was born he just went really cold on my older children from a previous relationship. Not long after we got divorced he asked me if I would invite him to my house to stay and I refused because I know what will happen

strongasmeringue Fri 06-Oct-17 19:01:33

A father who truly loves his kids and is confident in his family etc doesn't need to write feeling blessed shit, my boy etc on Facebook.

Gemini69 Fri 06-Oct-17 19:04:40

he is with you for one reason HIS SON...

he cares for nothing and nobody else OP flowers

another20 Fri 06-Oct-17 19:06:49

Yes tell him whilst he is at it to get a single bed for himself at his mums for 24/7 and the cot for EOW.

Why did you split up before?

Mallorie Fri 06-Oct-17 19:14:00

People who are all over social media about how their kids are their world and how important it is that they're a dad or a mum... trite show-off nonsense. Good parents just do it, they don't talk about it. He loves your son as a reflection of himself and his own "manhood". When your son grows up and becomes his own person, with his own ideas about the world, if it doesn't line up with his dad's idea of what he should be, all this #1 dad nonsense will be forgotten and he'll lose interest. I guarantee it. He's awful and an embarrassment, you can do better.

MoonGeek Fri 06-Oct-17 19:16:15

This is awful. I agree with everything fizzygreen says. Please leave him for the sake of both your children.

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