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To HATE my BIL and want DP to do something about the situation

(116 Posts)
thiskittenbarks Fri 06-Oct-17 17:09:42

My BIL (well me and DP aren't actually married yet but engaged and have baby - been together 8 years) annoys me so much. He is very nearly 30 and has never had a job. He finished a very indulgent postgrad course a year ago and has done nothing since. He lives with his mum who does everything for him and waits on him.
Here are some examples of stuff he does (sorry this is long):
Invites himself to stay at our house (we have a baby and has done this fairly regularly since baby was born) He offers no help and expects to be waited on. E.g. If we have been to supermarket to buy food for his ridiculous dietary restrictions, he won't even offer to help bring stuff in from the car, he will just go straight in our house and start watching tv. He is not interested in his nephew but is incredibly close with my DP.
He has extreme (self inflicted) dietary requirements and expects us to accommodate this (ie me to cook a totally separate meal for him and buy the random crap he eats).
When he stays over, when DP goes to work he will hang around all day sitting in our living room playing the PlayStation. I am stuck with baby with nowhere to play as I don't particularly want baby to watch these games he plays on tv. he huffs if baby cries or if I stand in the way of the TV. He just doesn't get that he can't sit in another persons living room and dominate it. He doesn't get hints to leave. I usually have to make up an excuse that I need him to leave (last time I had guests coming over and we would need living room - he said he didn't mind people coming over and carried on playing PlayStation...well I'm glad he doesn't mind me having guests in my own F-ing home!!)
Oh and he doesn't like me breastfeeding as it is "gross", and made me feel so uncomfortable I went upstairs in my own home to BF (I don't anymore as I actually want to make him feel uncomfortable so he gets the feck out of my house).
He invites himself along to things and just expects us to pay for him. For example a few weeks ago we were taking baby to sealife centre and he decided that he would join us (uninvited). We later went for quite an expensive dinner (because he likes that restaurant) and he just expected us to pay for him (for the meal and for the sealife centre and for the dinner - that day we spent close to £100 on him). Oh and he doesn't hold back on what he orders. He orders stuff, tries it and then will say that it is "gross" and then will leave it (he did this with a £12 cocktail and a pudding on the sealife centre day) He NEVER says thank you. I always make a big show of thanking DP in from of him to try and hint that BIL should also say thanks. He does this every time we are with him. I know he has money as MIL and FIL have both told me they still give him pocket money..
He behaves like a child but he is less than 2 years younger than me.
I have asked if he has some form of autism- but DP and MIL both said this had been investigated numerous times and he doesn't. I was shocked about this as for years I have put his behaviour down to this in my head.
I have spoken to DP about it and he just says something like "that's just him". DP is quite protective over him as he was quite bullied at school - and I understand that but his behaviour in my mind is totally unacceptable and he needs to be told so. AIBU?
What can I do? I really worry about baby growing up seeing an adult behaving like this.

AlternativeTentacle Fri 06-Oct-17 17:12:48

it might be just him but:
He needs to not be there when your partner is not there
Your partner needs to run around after him
He needs to leave when you say so - he doesn't live there, you do.

And he may well expect stuff, it doesn't mean you need to jump to his commands. And STOP buying food for him! Let alone cooking it.

Put your foot down and don't let it up again.

Theresamayscough Fri 06-Oct-17 17:13:29

Good grief op tell your dh he’s not stopping over again ar your house as he has no respect for you or your child.

You are a saint.

wizzywig Fri 06-Oct-17 17:13:40

I guess if they have investigated it then you are not the first person to have thought it. On the other hand he may used to being waited on. Ive known loads of people like this before they have kids. They usually change once they have to. But i dont get what the relevance is of an 'indulgent postgrad degree'.

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries Fri 06-Oct-17 17:15:51

Grow a pair and put your own foot down.

Don't let him in. Tell him it doesn't work for you for him to come to stay. Change the locks if necessary. Stop paying for him just because he "expects" you to.

Yes he's a cheeky fucker and your DP should long ago have put a cork in this, but clearly he isn't going to, and you're basically just lying there with "DOORMAT" written on your back. Be a bitch. Tell him no. Make it awkward. Or else live with him. Those are pretty much your choices. He can't take advantage of you if you don't let him.

FenceSitter01 Fri 06-Oct-17 17:16:08

This isnt a BIL problem - it's a DH problem.

But this is your home too - tell him to get to the far side and then some, refuse to cook for him.

Theresamayscough Fri 06-Oct-17 17:17:24

Well if his mum and dad want to wait in him that’s their lookout but the op isn’t his mother and shouldn’t be expected to at all.

Marching orders op back to mummy

thereallochnessmonster Fri 06-Oct-17 17:18:00

Just say no. No, you can't stay. No, we're tired of paying for you. No, we're not cooking for you.

But you need your dh to grow a pair and handle his enttiled brother.

lampshady Fri 06-Oct-17 17:18:14

I agree with PP. He's not your responsibility or problem. Make it very clear to DP that you're doing nothing further for BIL and he's not to be in the house with you on your own.

I'm impressed you haven't snapped.

The days out and money thing - check he has money on him first and just don't pay entrances. Get two adult tickets and not three, then ask for separate bills at restaurants.

KeepServingTheDrinks Fri 06-Oct-17 17:19:43

Or, the next time he joins you for a meal "Your turn to pay, I think BIL" <big smile whilst handing him the bill>

Aspergallus Fri 06-Oct-17 17:20:47

Perhaps he's not autistic but has Aspergers? If he's nearly 30, it's likely that simply having a normal IQ will have "excluded" autism and no other diagnosis made, whereas nowadays services are more aware of autistic features in the normal/average population.

It sounds like life has been difficult for him and your DH is sensitive to that and very caring. Maybe try to see the positive in that. Presumably you love your DH and the kindness in him caring for his brother on this way is part of who he is and why you love him?

BUT the behaviour you are tolerating is unacceptable. I think you need to tackle it directly and frankly. You can be kind but clear.

For example:

Gross comments about breast feeding "Breast feeding is not gross. That's a rude thing to say. As this is my home, I will be breast feeding where I am most comfortable. You will have to go to another room if you want to avoid this"

Taking over the living room with gaming "we are playing in this room now, the game will have to stop now as it isn't appropriate around children"

Just keep stating what needs to happen calmly, kindly and with brief explanation. You can just repeat yourself if given argument. The bottom line is this is your home and you have rules -and you may need to state that.

It would be much kinder to be calm, clear and assertive as things come up, to try to make this work, rather than accommodating him until you reach your limit and lose the rag.

Softkitty2 Fri 06-Oct-17 17:23:36

Say no. Tell him what you are thinking.

honeylulu Fri 06-Oct-17 17:25:20

Good God. He sounds like my husband's youngest brother AND his best friend. I refuse to play host to either of them now. In fact the BF who lives just a couple of miles away has never been to our current house and we moved here 13 years ago! I used to be a people pleaser and one day I decided life was too short.

My husband was all a bit "but what shall I tell them?" and I said he could tell them the truth, that I think they are pisstakers and I don't want them in my home.

It improved my life immensely.

Alittlepotofrosie Fri 06-Oct-17 17:26:16

What can you do? Stop being such a doormat for a start! Time to put your foot down!

Ttbb Fri 06-Oct-17 17:27:28

He's your DPs brother and therefore not your problem. Just stop pandering to him. Don't cook separate meals or buy special food. When your husband leaves the house say bye to his brother as well and makes sure he leaves. Don't be such a pushover.

liz70 Fri 06-Oct-17 17:31:17

Fuck that shit. Tell your DP his ignorant, idle, PITA bro can visit for an hour or two max ONLY if DP is there at the time. DP can wait on him if he wishes. And NO inappropriate tv/games etc. on when children are present.

Put your foot down and stop being a bloody doormat in your own home.

thiskittenbarks Fri 06-Oct-17 17:32:10

Thanks guys. When I speak to DP about if I often feel like I'm being a bitch. DP is just really protective of him, which was cute before baby arrived but now we need to be the focus of his protective instincts.
Last time we went out and he didn't drink a cocktail as it was "gross" I snapped a little and told him he would drink it as if just paid a tenner for it. A year or so ago we went for a meal and I'd said to DP before the meal that there was no way we were paying for him. The bill arrived and we all just sat there - no one reached for it and there was silence for about 20 mins. I left the table to go to the loo as I couldn't bare the tension. When I came back DP had paid, or course. Turned out BIL just walked off to the loo too and left DP on his own with the bill.
My biggest concern is baby constantly seeing an adult behave like this - how am I supposed to teach a child to say please and thank you when his adult uncle refuses to do so?!

Whocansay Fri 06-Oct-17 17:34:56

OP, it's YOUR HOME. You need to stop pandering to him. He wants special food? He buys and cooks it himself. He doesn't like you breastfeeding? Tough - he can go somewhere else! I'm amazed you've put up with it. And frankly, if he doesn't like your DC making a noise, he can fuck off. It's your child's home.

LagunaBubbles Fri 06-Oct-17 17:35:32

Your post is full of he expects this, that do realise you can actually just use the word No?

Whocansay Fri 06-Oct-17 17:35:50

Why the fuck is he protective of a 30 year old man?!?!?!

Assburgers Fri 06-Oct-17 17:35:53

Yeah he probably has Aspergers, we're all arseholes.

ANYway, as others have said, just stop doing stuff for him. Stop buying the special food, stop cooking it, do what you like in your house, switch the playstation off and switch cbeebies on. Any complaints, say "oh, sorry, you're right, I'll do it in my house instead. Oh fuck this IS my house! Ha! Never mind" then carry on.

Blueemeraldagain Fri 06-Oct-17 17:36:18

As frustrating as it is you can't control someone else's behaviour, you can only control your's.

Tell him he cannot stay over so often.
Tell him to turn the game off/change the wifi password/hide the controllers
Do not, ever, buy his stupid food again!

Look at it from his perspective. At the moment why would he change/behave better? What would he gain?

KC225 Fri 06-Oct-17 17:36:56

Tell Your DH that you need some ground rules. No way should you tolerate a user that makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

1. No more inviting himself over. It needs
to be discussed first.
2. He does not stay whilst your DH is not
there. He is of no use to you and is not
interested in your baby, so he can go
3. No more joining family days out, meals
out etc. If your DH wants to treat him
he can take him to pepper pig world on
his own like
4. Stop making him other meals. Get a
ready meal and tell him you are too.
busy with a baby to pander to a grown
up baby.

If your PIL treat him like a child then that is their problem not yours. Establish these points. Tell him and your PIL. Your DH is being totally unreasonable for allowing this to happen to you.

guilty100 Fri 06-Oct-17 17:37:59

I know a guy like this - an absolute man-child. Spoiled, overindulged, rude, unhelpful - and he took pleasure in making other people uncomfortable too. There was no medical excuse for his behaviour, either. Some people are just not decent individuals with a sense of social behaviour.

I would try getting upset in front of him and see if he can put two and two together. If he can't then it's time to cut ties and refuse to have him stay. Your DH needs to recognise the terrible rudeness of his behaviour.

thiskittenbarks Fri 06-Oct-17 17:39:55

KC255 - that pepper pig comment - I nearly wet myself hahaha

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