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To not give her £5

(78 Posts)
FooFighter99 Fri 06-Oct-17 11:31:34

DSD says she needs new underwear and has seen a pack for £4 and asked me to transfer her £5.

Problem is, DH and I are skint. I have £193 to last us till the 27th (payday) and that has to cover petrol and food for the 4 of us - me, DH, DSD and DD (though it's 5 really as DSD's boyfriend eats at our house nearly every bloody night!). DH has very little money left after his bills and the rent are paid, he'll do a food shop or put some petrol in the car and then my leftover wages cover food and petrol for the rest of the month.

I've told DSD I can't afford to give her any money, and told her that she really should be finding a part-time job as she only does 2 days a week at college (she's 17).

I feel mean as it's only a fiver, but I've already shelled out £20+ for makeup and bits for her this month. At her age I had a job and bought nearly all my own clothes, make-up and luxuries.

Money is extremely tight at the moment as we're paying back some massive overpayments from tax credits and housing benefit that's another thread entirely but our situation will hopefully be better this time next year.

I should also point out that she is in no way short of clothes! Her drawers are overflowing, so she isn't desperate for underwear. (she also isn't trying very hard to find a job...


scottishdiem Fri 06-Oct-17 11:33:04

At that age I would expect a part time job to enable paying for things like this and make-up to be honest.

DrRisotto Fri 06-Oct-17 11:33:40

Of course you are not BU. Everyone has to learn to live within their means which you are doing very skilfully by the sounds of it and by extension she will learn too. Good parenting!

MrsOverTheRoad Fri 06-Oct-17 11:34:48

YANBU! I bought all my own clothing from 15 onwards.

peachgreen Fri 06-Oct-17 11:36:34

I think it’s unreasonable to to buy her essentials like underwear but perfectly reasonable not to buy luxuries like make up. A £5 pack of knickers is something she needs. I’d sit her down and explain that you’ll get these and other essentials but she will need to get a part time job to pay for make up, coffees, lunches out etc from now on.

Dementedswan Fri 06-Oct-17 11:36:35

Have all of hers been soiled by a heavy period? I'd class that as a need, If not, new underwear isn't really a need is it?

Msqueen33 Fri 06-Oct-17 11:37:04

No she's 17 now and should be able to buy her own bits like that. Sure for some it's a small amount but to you it's not so she needs to think of a way to make some money if it fits with college which by the sounds of it it does.

glitterlips1 Fri 06-Oct-17 11:38:13

I agree with you, especially if you really don't have it to spare. She's 17. I had a job at 17 and paid for most things myself.

MargaretTwatyer Fri 06-Oct-17 11:38:40

It's a lot more difficult for young people to find part time jobs these days.

Underwear is pretty essential and if she's put on/lost weight or had period mishaps may be needed. I would tell her to wait until the 27th but would give it to her. Underwear of the basic sort she could get with a fiver is an essential.

WyfOfBathe Fri 06-Oct-17 11:38:51

I would buy her underwear. A £4 pack of pants isn't a luxury, it's an essential.

I would stop paying for "makeup and bits" though

SaucyJack Fri 06-Oct-17 11:39:34


Also, if her drawers are actually overflowing- is it possible that she simply can't find what she needs.

She likely just need to do a big sort out of her clothes rather than add even more to the pile.

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 06-Oct-17 11:40:08

Of course she should be looking for a job. And why is she asking her SM for money? You need to knock the evening meals for her boyfriend on the head, too, if you can't afford. It's ridiculous that you're paying for those, too.

FooFighter99 Fri 06-Oct-17 11:40:35

No, her current underwear is fine (I do her washing so I know what condition her clothes are in).

I don't think new underwear just because she fancies it classes as a necessity...

She's also incredibly wasteful at times: she recently threw away a beautiful dressing gown that was a Christmas present from her grandma. Nothing at all wrong with it, she just lobbed it in the black bin. Not even in a bag so I could retrieve it and give it to charity (that incident really annoyed me).

ofudginghell Fri 06-Oct-17 11:41:14

Tell her to get off her behind and get a job and if her bf is planning on eating at yours all the time tell him him and Dad can buy prepare and cook at least two nights a week.
There’s no excuse for her not to have a job whatsoever.
My ds had a weekend job in a cafe at 15 and at 16 started an apprentiship.
He went back to college at 17 until July this year and had an evening and weekend job in a restaurant to fund his clothes,nights out,petrol,tax etc etc when he got on the road (we supplied the car mot and furstvyears insurance)
Does her mum pay anything towards her keep?
If she’s still at college give her the child benefit amount per week. Think it’s £20 isn’t it for the first child?
Tell her that’s to cover absolutely everything she needs and her bf can supply and her prep and cook the meals when he stays.
She will soon realise living on a budget and get off her bum and get a job trust me.
My dm didn’t do that with my dsis and she’s had one part time job in 20 years which lasted about two years.
She hasn’t worked in 18 years and has no desire to do anything other than complain about how hard life is

NapQueen Fri 06-Oct-17 11:42:58

If she needs underwear she needs underwear. She doesnt need make up. Buy her them and from now on stop buying make up.

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 06-Oct-17 11:44:11

Give her child benefit?! Why the hell should the OP do that? That is money intended for the child's upkeep, not for frivolous spending!

Appuskidu Fri 06-Oct-17 11:44:55

Why are you feeding her boyfriend every day?! I think you need to have a chat with her about how much things cost.

TheHodgeoftheHedge Fri 06-Oct-17 11:44:57

If she doesn't "need" them and it's just a want, then you are totally within your rights to say no.

DressedCrab Fri 06-Oct-17 11:46:20

YANBU. She needs to get a job.

MargaretTwatyer Fri 06-Oct-17 11:46:27

Okay, double check with her why she needs it (just in case it is a problem with weight etc), if it's not for an essential reason say no, explain why, and tell her if she wants nice extras she has to get a part time job. She can't have nice extras at the expense of everybody else's essentials.

Ploppie4 Fri 06-Oct-17 11:47:53

Makeup - not essential. She should buy her own through a part time job.

Underwear - buy next pay day if needed. If a unnecessary luxury then she pays for it herself or waits till you have spare cash (a month or two)

FooFighter99 Fri 06-Oct-17 11:48:53

Her mum was supposed to be giving her £20 a week but that stopped when she separated from her DH and hasn't restarted.

She's classed as the 2nd child on my child benefit claim, but to be honest, I need that money to get us through the month. I had thought about giving her the £50 I get for her, but I just can't afford to at the moment.

Her BF doesn't work either. I'm going to have to put a stop to feeding them both nearly every night, it's just not sustainable.

I'm going to suggest she has a massive sort out of her clothes and then she can "Shpock" what she doesn't want, that will give her a bit of spending money.

She doesn't need underwear though, she has plenty. I think she just fancies some new kecks!

sparechange Fri 06-Oct-17 11:49:40

A £4 pack of pants isn't a luxury, it's an essential.

It's only essential if you haven't got any other pants to wear!

If you've already got plenty, it is just shopping for the sake of shopping

Majormanner Fri 06-Oct-17 11:49:59

Tell her to start earning her own money - and stop buying makeup - not essential

BlueSapp Fri 06-Oct-17 11:50:15

If she does not need it then its a no. but like other have said Id cheack that her current ones fit, there is no harm getting some cheaper ones though, id say you can find some for less than £4 somewhere.

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