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To be unhappy about ex taking daughter away?

(166 Posts)
Orbitalmother Fri 06-Oct-17 07:42:52

We split about 2 years ago, DD is 5.

I have found out via our shared calendar that ex has booked to take her on holiday for a weekend in November. It's not over half term. I've told him that I've seen he has booked something, and have asked for flight details, but ex is refusing. Also, I think the flight gets back in at about midnight, and she will be at school the next day (she is in year 1).

I'm not happy. I thought he had to ask permission to take her away if I am resident parent? And it's not fair in her to get to bed after midnight on a school day surely?what do I do? I can't understand why he doesn't take her away in half term when late nights don't matter so much.

Unihorn Fri 06-Oct-17 07:45:19

What is your objection other than potentially missing one day of school at age 6? Is it just that you don't know where they're going?

abbsisspartacus Fri 06-Oct-17 07:47:00

Yes he needs your permission is he usually a dick?

Orbitalmother Fri 06-Oct-17 07:49:14

unihorn yes it's the refusal to confirm flight details, and also I don't think she should miss school.

And yes, he is usually a dick.

Quartz2208 Fri 06-Oct-17 07:51:37

If he is leaving the country yes in theory he needs permission

Unihorn Fri 06-Oct-17 07:59:50

If he takes her birth certificate it is probably enough although we've always carried a letter from DSD's mum too just in case.

I don't think I'd be too worked up over one day missed/being tired. He should tell you where he's going though.

eyebrowsonfleek Fri 06-Oct-17 08:09:11

For a normal y1 one day missed isn’t a big deal but for an abusive person (not telling mum flights is abusive) then one day term-time in y1 can become a week term-term in y2 etc

I don’t think that a y1 child should be going to school after getting home at midnight. I’d expect him to take the next day off so she could sleep in tbh

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 06-Oct-17 08:18:45

Who has her passport? You or him? If you, don't give it to him until he confirms flight details.

Also tell school that he is doing this without consultation with you, so that IF she's late back and doesn't get to school, HE gets the penalty, not you.

I don't think he should be doing it without your permission either, but unless you want to go to the trouble of alerting the authorities that he's taking her out of the country without permission, then there's not a whole lot you can do (apart from withholding the passport).

Is he British as well, or a foreign national? If the latter, then you have much bigger potential problems, as you no doubt know.

HPandBaconSandwiches Fri 06-Oct-17 08:20:17

He can't take her without a passport and he can't legally take her without your permission.

I don't think going to bed tired one day will be awful, but he must tell you flight details and contact for hotel etc.

Ask him to tell you the flight details or you'll be talking to your solicitor. Direct him to the government website that explains he would be abducting his child and say you refuse without all necessary information.

Be reasonable, but be clear.

BoomBoomBoomBoooom Fri 06-Oct-17 08:25:37

One late night isn't going to kill her. YABU! However he should be confirming flight details, especially in todays climate.

Crumbs1 Fri 06-Oct-17 08:26:13

Maybe if it's just a couple of days he wants a big surprise and doesn't want you giving game away? I'm thinking cold, elfs, reindeer etc.

Orbitalmother Fri 06-Oct-17 08:30:20

I know where he is taking her, and she knows too, so it's not a surprise. He has even confirmed hotel details, just refuses to give flight details. He is a British national.

He had her passport already because he took her away in the summer holidays.

Unihorn Fri 06-Oct-17 08:32:48

Oh that's a bit odd then. Is it just because you'll disapprove of her missing school if you know the times?

Schmoopy Fri 06-Oct-17 08:47:38

Why do you need flight details?

If you know where they're going, when and it's not a surprise or just been dumped on you, why would you need to know flight details?

I only ask because my daughter was 6 when her dad and I split up and he took her to France for a long weekend. I knew where they were going, and vaguely where they were staying, but I didn't have flight details.

Similarly, I took her overseas this summer and I told him which country we were going to, the general area and the dates and texted when we arrived safely, but it didn't occur to me to give him the flight details.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 06-Oct-17 08:49:19

I don't think he needs permission if he had parental responsibility. Is he named on her birth certificate?

BitOutOfPractice Fri 06-Oct-17 08:49:50

I'm not sure why you need flight details btw. What would you be doing with that information?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Fri 06-Oct-17 08:52:43

If you know where they're going, when, then why do you need the flight details? I mean, a normal person would hand them over if asked (although I probably wouldn't be able to remember if you asked me straight out), but if ex doesn't want to give them I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of asking a second time.

Schmoopy Fri 06-Oct-17 08:55:51

I can't see what benefit it would be to you to know the flight details. A return ETA and update if that changed due to delays, fair enough, but no more than that.

I can't really think of a reason that a reasonable person would refuse a request for them, but then I can't really think of a reason that a reasonable person would ask for them in the first place.

Orbitalmother Fri 06-Oct-17 08:55:54

Yes he is named on her birth certificate.

I'd like to know the flight details because I'd like to know when my daughter is flying and which plane she is on. If there was a plane crash or something I'd like to know if I need to worry or not! There are about 6 flights a day from the place they are going to, and 2 different airlines fly the same route at about the same time of day, so I really don't know which plane they would be on. I don't think I am being unreasonable to ask him exactly which flight she is on. He has asked me the same details when I have taken her away and I've happily given them to him. Why wouldn't I? It's the fact that he is refusing which is now making it worse and more suspicious.

My family share their flight details too, just so family are aware which flights they are on. It's what I've been used to, and it makes sense to me!

MiraiDevant Fri 06-Oct-17 08:57:36

He is her father and she will benefit from going away with him. A day being tired is neither here not there. It isn't about you and your rights and whether you need flight details - it's about your DD and her having time and a relationship with her dad.

She is safe and happy with him. (If abuse or neglect that is another story) so let it be.\long term she will thank you hugely for this.

butterfly990 Fri 06-Oct-17 09:00:08

It's also very off that you have found out via a shared calender.

lizzieoak Fri 06-Oct-17 09:00:23

I want floght details when my teenager flies! I'm surprised some of you would send off your 5 year old without them. Partly it's so that I can check he's safely landed and partly so I can use my magic mum powers to keep him safe. It gives me peace of mind to have the details. And seeing as my ds is over 6 feee tall, I'm not worried about the ex overstaying with him.

Honestly you lot, it's not a box of eggs, it's her 5 year old!

No advice, op, just came on to say I'd want details too (& it is late at night, but it's just the once).

Santawontbelong Fri 06-Oct-17 09:00:25

Personally I would suspect it is for more than a week end if he won't give you the details. .
Tell him you will register her details at the airport to prevent him travelling if he won't give you full info. . You are entitled to know his plans.

Orbitalmother Fri 06-Oct-17 09:00:37

Mirai I'm not going to stop him for taking her. But I do want the flight details, and I really don't see what is wrong with that.

Schmoopy Fri 06-Oct-17 09:04:31

Tbh lizzie I get that there's no such thing as magic mum powers wink

I know you're only being tongue in cheek, but I don't keep him informed of my every more and I don't expect the same of him.

Then again, I wouldn't check that they'd landed safely either. If nothing came on the news to say otherwise, I'd just assume it.

Especially as there are many, many flights everywhere every day and night. And very few problems.

If it turns out he's being devious, then that's a different matter, but just as a routine thing, no, I wouldn't expect to have the details.

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