To want Dp and I to set a wedding date?

[SharkiraSharkira]

Dp and I have been engaged for nearly 2 years and so far have not set a date or really had anything more than a brief discussion about the whole idea.

Tbf in that time I have had to finalise my divorce and sort out some debts so it wasn't the right time to plan a wedding but now that is all sorted I feel like now the time is right to set a date.

I did ask Dp recently about a particular, meaningful date coming up in 2 years time that he seemed happy with but still we have not had any further discussion about making anything official. He feels that there is no rush and we have plenty of time to set a date/make up our minds, plus there are other projects that we are financially committed to at the moment.

This is all fine, however since we got engaged I know of 3 other couple who have also gotten engaged and they are all getting married in the next 4 months. I know it isn't a competition (nor would I want it to be), and I can't quite articulate why this bothers me exactly but I think its just the fact that it feels like isn't 'real' until we have a date in mind and have at least made some sort of plans towards it. Maybe its also that I seem to be surrounded my people getting married atm and yet we aren't any further forward than we were 2 years ago.

Wibu to ask Dp to set a date? I do believe he wants to be with me long term but, by his own admission, he is not as fussed about marriage as I am and therefore is not as motivated to do anything about it.

[Apileofballyhoo]

If it's all the same to him why don't you pick a date?

[Sandsunsea]

Sounds like you need to take the reigns and just crack on. Sometimes men just want the woman to organise the wedding.

[MaidOfStars]

I just started sending my now-husband links to nice venues. I arranged to visit one. We liked it and booked their next free Bank Holiday Sunday (was about 18 months in advance).

Hence, we became engaged and a day was set.

Why don't you start moving on plans?

[KimmySchmidt1]

Have you thought about why he might not be committing? For example, does he have £20k lying around he doesnt need to spend? If not, he may think (another) wedding is a waste of money when you don't have much.

Have you thought about telling him you just want to spend £500 on a registry office and meal for your closest family?

You might find its not the marriage he is avoiding, it is the phony display of wealth that involves getting in debt and showing off to friends.

[SloeSloeQuickQuickGin]

TBH with you, I know I'm positively geriatric in comparison, but blokes just turn up at a wedding. You tell him where it is, and what he will be wearing to match the colour schemes. He dosnt give a toss about flowers and bridesmaids and match books and how many tiers the cake is.

[jaseyraex]

Have you discussed where you'd like to get married? IE registry office or small or big venue? If you have why not pick a few venues you like and set up days for you to both go view them, similarly pick a day to go see the registry office suites. My now DH was a bit meh on the whole wedding front until we'd actually seen and picked a venue we liked, we picked an available date from there.

[QueenAmongstMen]

How did you come to be engaged in the first place if he isn't fussed about marriage?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

‘Blokes just turn up at a wedding’ ha, sexist bullshit. Some people will be bloody lazy with some things, men or women. Mine arranged the entire event down to every last detail except my dress and BM dresses, because he wanted to. We both wanted to set a date though.

I’d have a serious talk about whether he is serious about the marriage, if he is but just can’t be arsed to organise then are you happy to do the lions share?

[MaidenMotherCrone]

@SloeSloeQuickQuickGin I'm old and my DP IS interested in the details ( not that we are having any of the fluff that seems to be 'must haves').

We've enjoyed organising things together ( except for agreeing on the invitations, that was a bit drawn out).

You cannot tar all with the same brush.

[Carley27]

plus there are other projects that we are financially committed to at the moment

Have you discussed the size/cost of the type of wedding you want? Perhaps he doesn't think you can afford it at the moment?

Or, as you say you don't doubt his commitment, he doesn't really care what type of wedding you have? My DH was like this, other than the guests and food he wasn't really bothered what we did so was happy to go along with my ideas.

[Carley27]

plus there are other projects that we are financially committed to at the moment

Have you discussed the size/cost of the type of wedding you want? Perhaps he doesn't think you can afford it at the moment?

Or, as you say you don't doubt his commitment, he doesn't really care what type of wedding you have? My DH was like this, other than the guests and food he wasn't really bothered what we did so was happy to go along with my ideas.

[existentialmoment]

Sounds like he doesn't particularly want to get married

[SloeSloeQuickQuickGin]

MyKingdomForBrie A happy wife, a happy life. Fortuantely he has no colour blind interest in flowers, invitations, or table decorations. Most men really couldnt care less about mundane dometic things , as is typified by the posts on this forum getting upset about trivia such as who puts the bins out, who cooks and umm wedding lists.

[MaidenMotherCrone]

@SloeSloeQuickQuickGin
Do you know most men?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

sloe I genuinely think that is down to society telling them they need have no interest. I have no interest either in domestic trivia but I feel driven to care because I want a comfortable happy home. When my dh gets home and it’s all lovely and clean he feels happy same as I do but he doesn’t ‘care’ about the trivia because society tells him it’s not his job.

[ZaraW]

Depends what your expectations of the wedding are expensive or low key and those financial commitments how do they affect the wedding? I can't believe some of my friends got into so much debt for one day so that the bride could feel like a "princess".

[steff13]

You've already been married and he's not that fussed, why not just go down to the courthouse (or wherever) and get it done?

[kshaw]

i totally get it not feeling 'real' until the date is set. I want to get married 2019 but our chosen venue will not book that far in advance as literally their paper diary (church hall) doesn't go that far ahead so i have to wait to book it - will be engaged a year in january when I can book it! I would advise to go look at some venues together and it may get him as excited - it did with my DP.

[LoniceraJaponica]

“You might find its not the marriage he is avoiding, it is the phony display of wealth that involves getting in debt and showing off to friends.”

This ^^

“, I know I'm positively geriatric in comparison, but blokes just turn up at a wedding. You tell him where it is, and what he will be wearing to match the colour schemes. He dosnt give a toss about flowers and bridesmaids and match books and how many tiers the cake is.”

And this ^^. And I don’t think it is sexist bullshit. When I got married 36 years ago it was unusual for the groom to be involved in wedding plans to a great extent. In our case we got married in my home town, and DH and I lived 250 miles away so my mum organised most of the wedding.

[MidnightAura]

Is it a financial reason maybe at he is reluctant to set the date? Is he someone particularly not bothered about being married?

As for men being involved in weddings- I don't agree all men are just happy to turn up on the day. My DH didn't care about say the table decorations or chairs (neither did I to be fair) but he did care about the venue and he actually picked our wedding cake, he was interested in the details. He came along to every meeting with the wedding planner and while I did more of the organising than he did, he would be quite hurt if I said he did nothing to help.

[2014newme]

You've only just got divorced. You have other financial commitments.
You do sound more focus on the wedding than the relationship is that what went wrong with your previous marriage?

[ZaraW]

I agree you seem to be in a rush to get married again. Most people I know have waited years to remarry or others refuse to do it again. Why are you so keen?

[2014newme]

I don't think you should have got engaged while you were still married to someone else. It's more tacky than Romantic. You've gone about the whole thing in a rather strange way perhaps that's why your boyfriend isn't rushing to marry you? Take a break from marrying /divorcing and just allow your relationship to develop at a natural pace. Your friends getting married is irrelevant, you've already been married. if it's a competition to you, you already best them to the marriage and the divorce. Big whoop!

[specialsubject]

Given a chance I would have just turned up at mine. Fortunately it was just book registry office, book meal afterwards, advise guests where and when.

All the time filling girly crap is purely optional.

[TheNaze73]

Is there a fire drill?

What on Earth is the rush?