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To feel sorry for a mother with a very high achieving child, school gate bitching...

(104 Posts)
muuuuuumy1 Thu 05-Oct-17 21:11:09

Bit of a background, aspirational shools with very aspirational middle class parents, most looking towards 11+. School is excellent & teaching also.
A girl in dd's class who she would be friendly with is a very high achiever, wins alot of school awards, local art & music awards & is very talented. The mother is just like the rest of the mums in the school however she is alot more open eg admitting her child is getting tutoring - all the kids are both parents won't admit it, she is open about her aspirations for her child & shares her achievements on facebook like many proud parents.
However this has led to said woman who is always very friendly, chatty being completely cut to shreads by the other mums in the class, they are very catty saying she's pushy, boastful & her dd also pushy & bossy. The daughter is fine, very busy with all her extracurriculars so doesn't really hang out with friends but that could be said for alot of the class too. I don't really understand the bitching & hostility towards this lady... it's horrible to listen to. Her dd won a music award last Friday & received her award monday, I congratulated the mum on Monday at collection to say I was very happy for her child but the other mums stayed silent. It's ridiculous, all think their dc should be the best... I think maybe the mum is too open about her aspirations especially in such a competitive school... Aibu to feel sorry for her?

soupforbrains Thu 05-Oct-17 21:14:09

Gosh what a catty bunch they sound. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but then you already knew that really.

It's awful when the school-gate crowd get cliquey and bitchy whoever is on the recieving end. It sounds like this mother is really rather a nice person so perhaps just make a point of being friendly. She'll appreciate it enormously even if your actions don't turn the tide of behaviour from other parents.

Silver47 Thu 05-Oct-17 21:14:17


LoyaltyAndLobster Thu 05-Oct-17 21:14:57


Lowdoorinthewal1 Thu 05-Oct-17 21:17:40

Sounds like a horrible culture surrounding that school.

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops Thu 05-Oct-17 21:19:05

They do sound bitchy but her facebook sounds a bit sickening!

3boys3dogshelp Thu 05-Oct-17 21:19:56

Hmm I can see both sides of this. It's great to be proud of your child. I am also really happy for other children when they do well, especially if I've known them since they were tiny.
There are a small group of mums at my dc's school who only talk to to me or post on FB to talk about their child's achievements and ambitions. It's pretty boring as a topic of conversation after a while and it's not very considerate of people whose dc may be struggling so I don't bitch about them but I do minimise time spent with them hide on the other side of the playground.
I have also found that as these families have got to the older end of primary that their children have picked up an extremely competitive way of talking to their friends and are forever comparing themselves and saying how great they are at xyz...maybe that's what they are aiming for but it doesn't endear them to people imo.

BakedBeans47 Thu 05-Oct-17 21:21:54

They all sound pretty awful tbh.

Loopytiles Thu 05-Oct-17 21:23:36

She sounds irritating and they sound mean.

muuuuuumy1 Thu 05-Oct-17 22:07:22

She is nice, keeps to herself a bit, I think she is oblivious to it all as she is so wrapped up in her child. So are the others but they are very closed, most of the kids in the class are being tutored for 11+ but parents won't admit it & say they are doing the work themselves. This lady is very open & has said her dd has a tutor to ensure she gets exam technique.
I think the problem is the parents see her dd as a threat to theirs & they don't like it. The school itself is very good, we are happy, the parents are like they are back in school though, all feel their child is the best...

BakedBeans47 Thu 05-Oct-17 22:24:26

I don’t think I could be doing with either her or the other mothers OP. I find mothers whose entire existence revolves round their kids extremely tedious

Danceswithwarthogs Fri 06-Oct-17 22:12:26

Sounds like she needs a friend smile

cafenoirbiscuit Fri 06-Oct-17 22:16:24

I've never seen worse behaviour than that of the parents at the school gate. I'm glad to be out of it !

muuuuuumy1 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:12:01

Our school is notorious, she's a nice lady & doesn't stick around for the school gossip, she's always in a hurry but when she does chat she is very open about her aspirations & her childs achievements. Don't think she is competitive as she seems so wrapped up with her own child.
School is a hothouse & parents are very driven but in a private way-tutors names aren't shared & most parents won't admit they are getting any tutoring. This mum just leaves herself wide open to cattiness & bitching as she's going against the current culture of the school gate parents, the dads are just as bad as the mums...

BakedBeans47 Sat 07-Oct-17 22:20:26

They all sound really boring OP and the others sound bitchy to boot.

Loopytiles Sun 08-Oct-17 07:50:07

Putting “proud” stuff on social media is still boasting, and is annoying if frequent.

FanDabbyFloozy Sun 08-Oct-17 07:58:07

Can you share the area? Your post is an interesting window into a crazy world and if put my money on it being London/S.E. There are a few hothouse preps near me and I'm always staggered when the parents complain about the competition when they chose it exactly for that reason!

Off topic but if the children are in a hothouse achool, why do they need to be tutored as well?

Neither the lady in question or the school gate mum's sound like fun people tbh.

Topnotes Sun 08-Oct-17 08:03:36

The culture of the school and its parents sounds awful.

Headofthehive55 Sun 08-Oct-17 08:06:59

Sounds awful.
I'm really happy when one of my friends kids does well.
But then, I achieved myself so feel I have nothing left to prove.

Oliversmumsarmy Sun 08-Oct-17 08:08:32

That's the question I was about to ask.
Is the school that great if the parents still have to pay for a tutor.

Who is actually getting the results the school or the tutors

2ndSopranos Sun 08-Oct-17 08:13:47

Oh YANBU at all and I can recognise this type of behaviour from our nice, stuffed with middle class families school in the NW. Most of Dd1's friends will go to selective fee-paying schools.

Dd1 is high achieving. Very talented at music. I put some things on fb. Some of the mums at school think I'm pushy, that poor dd gets no time to play (for eg if dd has a music exam coming up and a school disco clashes with a music lesson, she misses the disco. At her request. I then get the looks, the "you're so mean", "poor minisoprano" etc.).

What gets my goat is that it seems acceptable to support sporting achievement, for example, but anything seen to be vaguely intellectual seems to invite a different sort of attitude. This is certainly the case at our school. A kid that gets a certificate in gymnastics gets plaudits in assembly. She might do 4-6 hours a week. My dd gets a very high mark in an ABRSM exam. She practiced at least 8 hours a week in preparation, up from the usual 4-5 (which at 9 isn't bad going!). Where are her congratulations? Where is her photo on the school Twitter feed? Not saying that the gymnastic achievement is any less of an achievement at all but there's almost an inverted snobbery about recognising dd's type of achievement and it's very unfair.

FanDabbyFloozy Sun 08-Oct-17 08:30:39

@2ndSopranos - not where we live. Music is just as recognised as sports. However school sports (esp teams) are recognised the most.

FanDabbyFloozy Sun 08-Oct-17 08:31:56

We should all just agree that posting our children's achievements on FB should be a nice rare occasion!

MidniteScribbler Sun 08-Oct-17 08:34:18

It sounds like this woman needs to buy a clue and realise that her behaviour is putting people off. Being open about your 'aspirations' and constant bragging on facebook is annoying. Newsflash - no one gives a shit, and people who do this can't really complain when others don't want to spend time with them or listen to their constant single topic.

MaisyPops Sun 08-Oct-17 08:36:08

Whilst she sounds like she is excessively pushy in my opinion, at least she is honest about what she is doing and is friendly. I'm sure i might hmm if i saw yet another update on facebook, but who cares. I'd rather see that than a stupid 'uh is it wine o clock DC have already trashed the living room like little monsters. Almost time for some booby cuddles with the little one'

The other parents sound like they are doing all the same things but it's very cloak and dagger, knife in thr back, hate seeing other children achieve.

I would rather be friends with thr friendly sharer than the group who enjoy bitchinb.

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