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to go and see if he's ok?

(120 Posts)
WildBelle Thu 05-Oct-17 21:00:19

OK...long story short...I ended my relationship last night. I was seeing possibly the loveliest man in the world, I am crazy about him. The problem was that he only split up with his wife earlier this year, and the arrangement to begin with was that she was going to have the 3 children 3 nights a week. She was the one that left the family home, after an affair. When that was the arrangement she would generally try to wriggle out of having the dc whenever possible, and not have them at all or trim one or two days off. Over the summer holidays she basically didn't see them at all, and it got to the point where the dc didn't actually want to go to hers anyway as she hadn't made any effort to make her new house a home, and was often physically abusive towards them.

The piece de resistance came last month when she announced that she was moving 150 miles away to live with her new bf into a one bedroom flat, and dumped all the stuff she did have for the dc at my bf's house on the way. For all intents and purposes, she has started a new life, conveniently taking no responsibility for the fact she has 3 dc.

Even before that I hardly got to spend any time with my bf, as he has been desperately trying to make it all ok for his dc, and isn't even prepared to get a babysitter for the night as he is concerned that they are going to feel unwanted by him too. Now that his ex has completely buggered off, that has gone from bad to worse and we were not spending any time at all with each other. I was feeling quite miserable about the situation, I would like a partner who I can actually spend time with once in a while, and whilst I have been completely supportive and understanding throughout, I came to the very sad conclusion last night that it was going to be a long time before the dust had settled enough for him to be able to find time in his life for a relationship, so we had a very calm and sad conversation which led to the relationship being over, at least for now, while he sorts his shit out.

I woke up this morning feeling really sad, it felt like the most counter intuitive thing in the world to end it with him as he was such a genuinely great bloke, so I just whatsapped him with a sad face emoji. Didn't get a response, but he was online a couple of times this morning. Hasn't been online since just after midday, which is very unusual for him. I am really worried - last night when I spoke to him he was in a pretty dark place and talking about topping himself or just dumping the kids on his ex and leaving her to deal with it all instead of him (I am fairly certain he wouldn't ever do that as his kids are his world, but he is really struggling to cope at the moment). I sent him a message this afternoon asking if he's ok, no response and he hasn't seen it. t tried calling him about an hour ago, with no response, and sent him another message just asking me to let him know that he's ok. He hasn't seen it. Now I'm really worried that he's done something stupid and am tempted to drive to his, which is half an hour away, just to see if he's ok. I don't know if that's a really bad idea though. We didn't leave things on bad terms last night but it got late and he said he would speak to me today. I'm worried. Sorry this is all a bit garbled, it's all a bit complicated. Should I leave it or go there? Even if it's just to see if his car is there and lights are on?

AudTheDeepMinded Thu 05-Oct-17 21:03:02

Do you have any friends in common that could check on him?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Thu 05-Oct-17 21:03:48

Does he have any local friends/family you can talk to instead? If he's sad about you splitting up then having some time offline is good for self preservation. You contacting him repeatedly might feel like twisting the knife.

WildBelle Thu 05-Oct-17 21:05:28

No, nobody. I could probably track down his ndn on fb but as we're not friends she might not see the message.

WildBelle Thu 05-Oct-17 21:06:27

And just to complicate that further his ndn happens to be a famous singer so she is probably used to ignoring random message requests on fb.

GoldenOrb Thu 05-Oct-17 21:08:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Talith Thu 05-Oct-17 21:09:07

So difficult. On balance I'd say if you can, perhaps check on him. You've been sane about it all, acknowledging this isn't the right time for you and it sounded as if you were amicable. You don't sound clingy.

If he turns out to be fine and is just focusing on kids or sorting stuff or has decided to not respond for his own mental health etc then at least you'll know for next time. If it is over you probably can't be sending him emojis. It'll be hard for him to deal with and hard for you when he can't.

You deserve someone to give you their undivided attention or at least have room for you and it didn't sound like that was possible so I think you made a good decision.

chasingdaisy2 Thu 05-Oct-17 21:10:30

Yes I would drive there. Like you say, just to see if any lights etc on. If so then you can at least feel a little calmer that he is (hopefully) in the house and safe. Then I would expect a message sometime tomorrow I guess. If no lights on and no sign of anyone home then I would maybe try and contact some family, is that an option? Good luck.

tiredybear Thu 05-Oct-17 21:10:42

What a difficult situation. He really does sound like a great guy. You left it on good terms and siad you'd talk more today. I htink therefore it's reaosnable if you're worried to go and check. Even just a drive by to check lights are on etc.

soupforbrains Thu 05-Oct-17 21:10:57

Leave him be. He's probably quite upset and heartbroken but you're either going to twist the knife OR give him false hope and make moving on even harder for him.

I know it's very difficult. But bear in mind that part of the reason you did this is because he has so much on his plate. Now he's dealing with all that and a broken heart. Give him some time to heal and some space to recover.

existentialmoment Thu 05-Oct-17 21:11:55

Thing is, if he was as great a guy as you say, he wouldn't be persuing a relationship with you at all, he would be focusing on his children. He's in the same position as countless women are, left holding the children.

If you truly think he may be suicidal, call the police. It's the children in the house I would be worried about in this set up.

WildBelle Thu 05-Oct-17 21:12:40

I know I did the right thing but god it hurts, it's all such a sad situation. I don't even want to be with anyone else, but being him and not seeing him was making me miserable.

dontquotemeondailymail Thu 05-Oct-17 21:15:09

Yes I would go and see him. You may not be able to be in a relationship with this guy now, but he may appreciate you reaching out as a friend.

SealSong Thu 05-Oct-17 21:15:18

You can ask local police to do a welfare check, if you are very concerned.

WildBelle Thu 05-Oct-17 21:15:25

I have no way of contacting any of his family, it's only his mum he has nearby and i never met her. Maybe a drive by is the way forward, and if it looks like he's there I'll just go. Even that's not straightforward though as he lives in a big mansion which is split into different residences, so I will have to do a bit of stealthing about in the dark.

WildBelle Thu 05-Oct-17 21:16:56

SealSong - I did that for someone else once and they caved his front door in with a battering ram and I never heard the end of it (he was fine as it turned out) so I am a bit hesitant to do it again.

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 05-Oct-17 21:18:37

Leave him alone - you've dumped him!

He is presumably not engaging because he is (a) wanting to get over you (b) looking after his children so doesn't have time for your self-pitying.

You dumped him because you want it to be about you and you still want it to be about you.

Sorry to be harsh - but you've made your decision so let him be.

WildBelle Thu 05-Oct-17 21:19:37

Wasn't really like that allthebest but thanks for the input.

Orlandointhewilderness Thu 05-Oct-17 21:20:20

Go and check he is ok. And think very hard about letting a good one go just because it isn't ideal.

Orlandointhewilderness Thu 05-Oct-17 21:21:21

Sorry I didn't mean to sound so heartless. I know it is difficult to be on that side. Good luck.

MaisieDotes Thu 05-Oct-17 21:22:24

Can you not just text him and ask is he ok? I think you were wise to end it but I also think there's a danger that you are looking for reasons to keep the connection open.

Sorry to sound cold. But really- you think he is so very ill that he would leave 3 children who have also just been abandoned by their mother? As pps said, in that case it would be best to call the police.

DJBaggySmalls Thu 05-Oct-17 21:23:58

Leave him alone and move on.
Think about it - he survived his marriage ending, he isnt going to top himself because his new girlfriend couldn't deal with him having kids.

Alittlepotofrosie Thu 05-Oct-17 21:24:30

What was the point in sending him a sad face emoji? Doesn't the poor man have enough on his plate without you piling more on?

Him and his dc have been through the wringer since earlier this year when their wife/ mother left, and you've come on the scene and to be frank you sound REALLY needy, really soon. Maybe he is focusing on his children as he should be. I think you need to back off.

WildBelle Thu 05-Oct-17 21:25:46

I know what you're saying Orlando, I put up with a lot before I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. It had got to the point where I was lucky to see him once a fortnight for a couple of hours. We never got to do any normal couply things, whether it was go out for a couple of drinks or watch netflix, he just has too much on his plate. And the sad thing was I can't see that changing for quite a long time, and while I was just waiting in the wings there was no incentive for him to decide that he needed to take some time for himself once in a while rather than devote himself 100% to his dc. His dc need him a lot more than I do at the moment and as long as that's the case there's no time for me or anyone else.

ReanimatedSGB Thu 05-Oct-17 21:27:00

I'd vote for leaving him alone, as well. I think you did the right thing - you are not responsible for taking care of him and his children and no one is owed a relationship - but to keep 'reaching out' is not a good idea: it's over, so move on.

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