To ask friend to babysit without partner

[2littlemoos]

My friend has offered to babysit for my birthday so DP and I can have a meal out child free. We don't have much help so she is my only option.

Problem is my toddler is scared of her partner. She tells me she is and once she screamed the place down when he walked in. Didn't calm until he left.

I feel if I let her and her DP babysit I'm sending the wrong message to my daughter and tbh I don't want her around someone she is scared off.

AIBU to ask her to babysit at ours without her partner (because she will want him there). I am aren't I?

[Subtlecheese]

No. Suggest to your friend that as you haven't spent time accustoming your child to the partner would she mind babysitting alone (or partner arriving after child in bed) as your daughter's reaction is a bit of a wild card.

[BuddingGardener2017]

Yes. Unreasonable. I don't think it "sends the wrong message" - if you draw attention to her fears that would send the wrong message imo. Why not put toddler to bed then go out - she'll likely not know he's there.

[Luckystar1]

I don't think you can ask her, but I do agree that it wouldn't be nice for your daughter and you would t get to enjoy your time out worrying.

Will your daughter be up when you are out? Could you try and put her to bed first?

Alternatively, could you maybe ask locally about babysitters?

We have no help either so asked locally and found a nice babysitter but the children are always in. Ed when we go out.

[Hissy]

I'd explain that it's not possible for her boyfriend to be there.

If they are as solid a couple as you suggest with your use of the DP, she will be able to say to this bloke that she'll see him another evening.

Your home, your toddler comes before her boyfriend

[2littlemoos]

I can't do it when DC are in bed because friend will bring her own daughter, who my daughter adores. Plus it interferes with her own daughter's bedtime.

I think we'lll just have a family meal out - we did this last year and it was still lovely. Just not quite the same! But I will check out local babysitters for future reference.

[2littlemoos]

I'm just worried she'll be offended! I don't think she understands and will take it personally. When my daughter had a meltdown she picked her up and took her over to her DP which obviously didn't help at all. Even her DP just said to not force her.

I really don't want to offend her.

[KarateKitten]

Toddlers are funny. You might find she has zero issue with him the next time she sees him. And unless you think he's hurt her in the past, you'd not be sending her any message other than that she can dictate what adult is allowed in the room. Not a great message I think for a child.

[greendale17]

Why is she scared of him?

[ICantFindAFreeNickName2]

We were in the same position and used a company called sitters. It was expensive but it was worth it to get an occasional night out on our own.

[karigan]

How close is your birthday? If there is time maybe try another get together beforehand and see how she reacts to him this time?

My toddler was absolutely terrified by one of my friends for months- no-one could figure out why and then he trimmed his beard right back for a wedding and she instantly had no issue with him after that.

[2littlemoos]

No it's been ongoing.

I have no idea. She is fine with everyone else. Had a bit of stranger anxiety a while back but for some reason she has never liked him.

I don't think I'm sending the wrong message by forcing her to be around someone she clearly dislikes. She has no choice when I'm around and she sticks to me like glue - but to leave her to it? No I don't think that's good.

[2littlemoos]

karigan that's a good idea.

[KarateKitten]

But she'll be in bed surely? Worst case scenario she wakes and needs to sit on your friends lap with him somewhere in the room. But I'm sure if he was upsetting her they'd both decide pretty quickly for her to be resettled up in her room away from him.

[TammySwansonTwo]

I have a baby who scares easily too.
I'd respond with "it's so kind of you to offer. We could definitely do with a break, but I'm not sure it would work as DC seems scared of your DP. Don't want to upset her or you two". See how she responds.

[Littlechocola]

If you are close enough to have her look after your child, you should be able to discuss this with her.

[noramum]

We had this scenario, our friend's second DD was absolutely scared of my DH. We had absolutely no clue why, he didn't behave differently to her than to all other children in our group, she saw him on a regular basis when we did things together (obviously DH tried to keep his distance as much as he could).

We took her fears seriously and if we had been asked to babysit or do something without the parents then I would have done it on my own, no questions asked and I would definitely not been upset, neither would DH.

When the girl turned 3-ish it suddenly changed. Again, no reason but suddenly the girl would interact with DH and was happy to be included in the interaction.

I would be honest and it could very well be that your friend and her partner feel embarrassed about the whole situation, DH def. was in the beginning. Make sure that you don't put blame on anybody, I can't think why your friend would be upset.

[ForgivenessIsDivine]

Your daughter is the priority here, even if it's irrational, you have to recognise her fear. When she is older, it is something you can talk about but for now, I would not leave my child in the care of someone they were afraid of while I was not there, it may make any future attempts to leave the house a challenge!!!

[2littlemoos]

My friend, although amazing, is quite quick to react and very sensitive. Which I guess is why I'm reluctant to mention this. But yes we are so so close so I'm just going to be honest about it. Thanks for the advice.

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

Was she scared from the first time she met him or might something have happened?
If it's from when she met him I wouldn't be avoiding him tbh as that will just reinforce for her that there's something to be scared of. Let him be about but not interacting with her and she'll get used to him and see he's not scary.

[ADayGivingMeHope]

Is she’s a friend doing you a favour then yes it’s unreasonable and even if she agreed then she may just tell him to come later... I’d ask someone else if you can!

[Dustbunny1900]

+1 on tammys idea.
or try and warm your daughter up to him before the birthday out

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

You could explain that your DD is going through a phase where she is scared of men other than her dad and grandparents. This is a fairly common thing. (or men with hats, or dogs with ginger eyebrows - young children can be funny sometimes . . . )

[CorbynsBumFlannel]

I imagine if he sits ignoring her playing with some kind of toy she likes she'd warm to him pretty quickly.

[PinkHeart5914]

Find a paid babysitter? When you paying for a service it’s easier to tell them what to do, Imo it can be tricky with friends as some people do easily take offence.

Tbh if you trust this friend to look after your child, you should be able to say “X would you mind not bringing dp, for some reason dd is going through a phase at the moment and for some reason appears scared when his around” Everyone knows Toddlers have many odd phases and this will just be another one

[Loopytiles]

I’d decline the offer but not say why and look hard for an affordable local sitter.

Sitters is good, but expensive.