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just had enough

(39 Posts)
sosickofallofit Thu 05-Oct-17 09:20:52

I really have just reached the end of my tether with everything.

I feel like shit. I have done for weeks. I have some ongoing health issues. Nothing major. I need an op to sort it out but I'm too fat and can't discipline myself to lose weight. Plus I only get a weeks sick pay so I can't afford to take time off now, saving it for the op.

My job is shit. I'm overloaded with work yet no one notices. I am stuck in a horrendous open plan office with 150 other people. O have to exchange pleasantries and banal chit chat all fucking day long and I hate it. None of them have any idea about me or my life, no one does.

I have this year had to support my partner through a court case. I couldn't tell people because they would judge. Even now it's resolved I still can't tell anyone because people will think no smoke without fire etc.

I love my partner but supporting him through this has been horrendous. He has lots of health issues too, is often in terrible pain. His mental state is pretty poor. He has long term depression and daily suicidal thoughts for as long as he can remember. He's never made an attempt though and therefore doesn't see any benefit to counseling. But now I know it's yet another burden on me, though i know he didn't mean it to be.

I'm just on my knees. My GP offered me citalopram as I seem 'low' (no shit) but said it won't actually change anything just stop me feeling upset about it. So that seems pretty pointless.

I feel like I'm caught in a really bad treadmill where everything is one load of crap after another. Hearing other peoples mundane shit which frankly I couldn't care less about. No one gives a fuck about my problems after all.

MaidenMotherCrone Thu 05-Oct-17 09:50:23

I'll get flamed for this but Op you get one go at life and It's up to you to make it a bloody good go.
If you want things to change you have to make changes. How old are you if you don't mind me asking?
If I were in your shoes I'd be seriously considering a completely fresh start, alone!
New job, new life.
You are not responsible for your husband's happiness and if he's not prepared to help himself why should you be dragged down with him?

aintnothinbutagstring Thu 05-Oct-17 09:50:55

You're not alone OP, even behind the office banter there is probably colleagues going through shit times but like yourself, they don't feel up to sharing it with everyone. Sometimes life does feel like one hard slog, relentless, but I think we need to carve some time out for ourselves in between work and family responsibilities for a bit of fun, hobbies, leisure time etc. It wont make your problems disappear but at least don't let your life revolve around them. You're more than an employee or supportive partner flowers

aintnothinbutagstring Thu 05-Oct-17 09:53:28

Agree with maiden!

LovelyPrep Thu 05-Oct-17 09:54:13

Overwhelming! No wonder you've had it.
I would consider taking the medication. Okay it won't change the things you're dealing with but if you can feel slightly better mentally it might enable you to deal with them. E.g. weight loss might be easier if you're feeling a bit happier, work might not seem as awful, etc. The knock on effect of that would be you might get your operation which would then resolve another issue. It all adds up slowly.
You sound thoroughly depressed and it's not easy to see a way out of that.
You're not responsible for how your partner feels or how he approaches treatment for his own depression. Look after yourself first because you are important and you can't support him if you're going downhill too.
Do you have family or friends to talk to? It sometimes helps just to keep talking it over and giving yourself a chance to work through it all.

Missstickinthemud Thu 05-Oct-17 09:54:13

I'm sad to hear that you are having such a terrible time.

I was once given a good piece of advice which was, when you are feeling overwhelmed don't look at all the things you want to change because it will feel like too much. Just pick one thing at a time and focus on that. It can be really small things like 'today I'm going to clean my desk' or 'this week I'm going to eat a healthy lunch'. Sometimes when you make one tiny positive change it is enough to give you the boost you need.

aims331 Thu 05-Oct-17 09:54:24

I agree with @MaidenMotherCrone too

sosickofallofit Thu 05-Oct-17 10:56:11

Thanks for not just telling me to get on with it, there are people worse off etc.

I'm 46 so a bit old to run away from it all. Though it is tempting. I can see how people do just get up one day and leave everything. But I have children (well, basically adults now) so I couldn't do that.

In some ways this is like death by 1000 cuts. Partner said I'd thrown away something of his when I was doing his cleaning. I knew I hadn't, not least because he had it after I'd cleaned. But he wouldn't have it. Eventually he found it on the floor, but that was my fault too probably. My eldest borrowed my bank card to pay for petrol the other day - no issue there as I mainly use car, but then never gave me the card back. But said they definitely had, and I must have misplaced it. I didn't. So that's another argument.

Then listening to the trivia of everyones lives at work and having to give polite replies. I don't care. I have too much to do to spend all day chatting like them but even if I'm not engaging in conversation I still have to suffer the noise.

I have tried looking for another job, but I am in a really specialist area. Jobs are hard to find. So I'm stuck here for a while at least.

The only thing I look forward to is mealtimes. But then i eat too much and feel disgusted with myself because I'm such a fatty.

I don't have any family (parents died over 20 years ago, which is a whole other issue) and friends..not the kind I can talk to about any of this.

sosickofallofit Thu 05-Oct-17 10:59:53

It is all overwhelming. I never do anything. I think constantly about stuff but can't move anything forward. I bought some electrical equipment to do a job at home 4 months ago. Still in it's box.

Will tablets actually help? Partner was pretty dismissive and said they're basically placebos. Even my GP didn't seem that on favour...

DoggyMadMum Thu 05-Oct-17 11:02:14

Take the Citalopram - it will help. Go to counselling for meaningful conversations about the difficulties you are facing. These two things will slowly help you feel a bit better. Once you feel a bit better, start making small changes to improve things you feel bad about. A year from now, you'll be in a whole different mindset. Hang in there, it's tough.

BarbarianMum Thu 05-Oct-17 11:05:26

Well flagellating yourself with self loathing doesn't seeem to be helping you, so maybe try the tablets? You need headspace to think clearly and to decide what you're going to change - at the moment all ypur doing is coming up with reasons why you can't change anything. Which is understandable but ultimately self-sabotage.

sosickofallofit Thu 05-Oct-17 11:09:58

I'll try the tablets. I guess they can't make me feel much worse. I did have counseling a couple of years ago but it wasn't helpful . It was in a group as that's all the nhs does in my area, and basically focused on irrational concerns. But my concerns were all rational so it really made no difference.

RB68 Thu 05-Oct-17 11:10:14

You need to work on your state of mind first.

Stop doing so much for others - why were you tidying for husband? He needs to go to GP about his state of mind too - its not a competition but you both need some support.

Try and find SOMEONE to talk to regarding everything even if it is a helpline of some sort. Court case, grievances and such are horrendous mills of pain and emotion and suck people dry - anyone who hasn't touched the process in some way has absolutely no idea, it will take time for life to settle back.

As to loaning card to son - just don't let him pay and give him cash or do a transfer to him. Cancel your card and get it reissued. (After you have done an eyes that see search of car and anywhere he may have left it

RB68 Thu 05-Oct-17 11:11:06

As to weight - have a look at Zoe Harcombe or the blood sugar stuff.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 05-Oct-17 11:16:27

If someone doesn't bring anything helpful to your table op then it's time you took their seat away
Your partner seems like more than half of your problem, he pisses you off and you spiral in to the cycle of eating, because it's the only source of short term pleasure you have.

There's some fundamental choices to be made, and they are hard ones, but times ticking on and your not improving, then again neither is he.

Would splitting and going it alone be harder than it is now, if your supporting him and suffering because he's not happy, then he's holding you back, especially as he doesn't want to get help.

💐

guilty100 Thu 05-Oct-17 11:32:31

I'm so sorry, you sound absolutely exhausted and no wonder with all that going on. flowers

I think you need to pull back from everything. Can you get yourself back to the GP and get signed off work for a couple of weeks while you start the citalopram? A bit of headspace, and a chance to do a few things just for you, would be really great right now. I know two weeks out might sound a lot, but actually if it sets you up so that you're back on your feel, it's no time at all.

Dustysparrow Thu 05-Oct-17 11:33:24

I couldn't read and not reply, it sounds like you are really stuck in a rut. I agree with others that as a first step give the medication a go - even a small lift in your spirits would be a positive thing, and might just be enough to motivate you to make other changes.

Would you consider re-thinking your career entirely and re-training in something totally new? It could really give you something positive to focus on and look forward to, a whole new start. I realise nothing is quite as simple as that, but maybe you have another calling and could train/study outside of your current work hours - it would also get you out of the house.....I know how hard it is to live with a DH who has mental health issues/depression, it is soul destroying and, as much as it obviously is not his fault, it can really drag you down with them. Only you can really decide if he is worth hanging on for and if you have enough love to make sticking by him worth it.

As for the weight loss, I agree it is a bloody nightmare to approach this if you are feeling low and unmotivated. Maybe you could take a completely different approach here.... if you were to make a start with exercise - and here I am going to suggest something completely outside the box because it is exactly what I would do if I had enough time and money to do it - get a dog. Firstly animals are amazingly therapeutic when it comes to your wellbeing, they lift your spirits and are amazing company (which can be very comforting if your family aren't ticking that box) and if you get into a routine of taking it for walks every day you will get exercise and fresh air (both mood lifting) - even if you don't feel like stepping out of the front door you will feel better for it afterwards, which is the beauty of a dog, you have to walk them whatever happens. Maybe over time you will start to feel ready to make small changes to your diet to supplement the exercise.

I think life can be like trying to eat an elephant - you can't do it all at once, it is better to do it in small chunks.

I hope you find the motivation and positivity to make changes for the better. smile

Withhindsight Thu 05-Oct-17 11:34:45

Hi Op is there any way you can move desks to be on the fringe? Are you able to go for fresh air somewhere at breaks/ lunchtime? It doesn't need to be walk, although that would be good, just to feel the air/sun/wind/rain to invogorate you and help you to start feeling a bit more positive. I always go on about massage, but how about doing something for you?

MoosicalDaisy Thu 05-Oct-17 11:39:45

I'm sorry for your situation sad

You need to start looking after the most important person - and that's you. Little steps to start making yourself feel a bit happier - take up the offer of those pills, maybe talk to a different GP? Can you wear headphones at work? Do you leave the building for lunch? Do those if you can.

It sounds like your partner isn't helping himself - so I would suggest you just up sticks and at least have a break - rent a room for a few months, is that feasible? I think you need that mental break as you have pointless conversations at work then come home to a depressed atmosphere and arguments. When you've been elsewhere for a bit, join a club, maybe even slimming world! You will feel happier by this point!

Stop picking up after your partner and lending your cards to your son, he can't be trusted with your property.

You have been strong for other people so far this year, now there's just one more phase where you need to be strong for yourself. You can do it!

graceadlerdesigns Thu 05-Oct-17 11:42:59

I think you need to get something outside of work and your partner. Lots of libraries run book clubs for free, or you could look online for a local Facebook group to join (there is a photography and ramblers club in my area).

You said you have arguments with your dh- how often is this? And are you the type of couple that doesn't mind the odd row, or does it upset you? Things do sound bleak but you are in charge of your life Op.

Also, please don't be mad at your colleagues for their 'trivial" conversation. You have no idea what is going on in their lives or how they really feel. Life isn't easy for everyone else, we all face our own struggles

sosickofallofit Thu 05-Oct-17 11:49:10

Partner and i don't live together.

I do love him, and when it's good he makes me very happy. It's the best relationship I've ever had. But i worry we drag each other down too. In the last 12 months he's had health probs, the court case, lost access to his kids due to court, bereavement, money issues. And I've wanted to support him. But it's been hard. He is understandably very low. But i can't change what's happened or make it better really. I don't know if i even make him happy any more.

I was helping him out with a few bits of cleaning he couldn't manage. But it hurt to be accused of losing something I know O hadnt touched.

MaidenMotherCrone Thu 05-Oct-17 11:51:16

46 isn't too old believe me.

It's too young to stop living and to settle for just existing.

I think the drugs would just be like sticking plasters on a festering wound. Address the cause of your unhappiness instead of the symptoms.

I find people can only take advantage or treat you badly if you let them.

sosickofallofit Thu 05-Oct-17 11:53:24

I appreciate others have issues. I just had chit chat. My autocorrect tried to change that to shit chat which is prob more apt. I don't want to know what X had for dinner, or Y is doing at lunch, or what Zs little DC are doing at school, and so on. I'd love to sit with headphones in. Sadly that's not allowed.

PhoenixMama Thu 05-Oct-17 11:55:19

Take the meds. They won't fix your life but they will help you have more energy and resilience to take things on. One thing I will say though is your need to look at your attitude towards others. You say you don't like idle chit chat but you also say that no one knows what you're going through. They don't know because you've chosen not to tell them. You can't have it both ways, either you can share generally (my partner's going through a tough time at the moment...) or you can't be cross that they don't know. Also, don't assume their lives are perfect because no one's is. Loads of people will also be struggling as pps have said. Once you've taken the meds for a while, had your dosage tweaked, etc you will probably realise how much of this is depression. Good luck!

MaidenMotherCrone Thu 05-Oct-17 11:59:19

He makes me happy/ I make him happy......

No, no you don't! You are not responsible for how another person feels. You may feel happiness when you are with him but that's not his doing it's yours.

Make changes, change jobs, find a hobby, exercise, volunteer or whatever else it takes to change how YOU feel but don't waste anymore precious time accepting this is it!

Look up and keep looking up.

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