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WIBU to Give Family the Middle Finger and Elope?

(42 Posts)
IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever Wed 04-Oct-17 16:03:32

We're in the process of planning our wedding after getting engaged about 2 months ago and I've already had enough of it.
The first thing my Mum said when we told her was "But he didn't ask permission!!". Like I'm a cow being sold at market.
She then cried on our engagement night out because my MIL2B helped arrange the house with flowers etc whilst we were out having dinner, so he could propose once we got home.
She then went in a strop at our engagement party because my DH2B is inviting more people to the wedding than I am (he's not) and that my cousins aren't invited. 8 out of 25 cousins are. But I'm not inviting them all as a) we'd fill a massive proportion of our venue with them and b) it would literally cost us thousands for them to come when I hardly ever see them.
Both her and my dad have "expressed concerns" that my uncle isn't invited to my OH's stag do. Why would he? Especially if he's not even inviting his own uncle.
We've also had problems with his family. His aunt saying that her step children should be invited alongside her 4 biological children. His Mum being difficult (this is another thread entirely).

I've just had enough of people dictating what should be happening and who should be invited.
How do I politely tell people to back off!? I've told my mum that we will invite who we damn well please and to stop being such a Negative Nelly. But I struggle with the calm and polite confrontation and tend to go all guns blazing.

I'm honestly debating sacking it all off and going somewhere to elope just the two of us.

Getting engaged and Married is supposed to be the best time of your life and I'm so happy but people seem to be determined to keep raining of my parade.

shushpenfold Wed 04-Oct-17 16:04:47

I had immediate family only st my wedding for that exact reason! YANBU.

shushpenfold Wed 04-Oct-17 16:04:58

At, not st.

TheSparrowhawk Wed 04-Oct-17 16:06:29

All weddings I've known of (including my own) have caused this sort of tedious drama. I sort of eloped in that I went abroad and just invited immediate family and a small group of friends and it was still full of hassle and people acting the arse. If I were ever to get married again I'd go to the registry office with my intended and then have a few drinks and that'd be it. My wedding was lovely but god the drama was so fucking annoying.

Nocabbageinmyeye Wed 04-Oct-17 16:06:44

Definitely go and elope, do something different and fabulous, save yourselves a fortune and just have a casual knees up when you get back

MrTrebus Wed 04-Oct-17 16:07:12

YANBU but this always happens with weddings. My only advice? Stick to your guns don't do anything you feel you "should" do just do what you want to do.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 04-Oct-17 16:18:44

"How do I politely tell people to back off!?"
You don't. You tell them to back the fuck off. Politeness rarely works in this situation.

You make it absolutely clear to them that you think they're being totally ridiculous and that if they keep it up, you plain won't want them to be there. This is your/DH2B's wedding, not theirs; so shut up Mum/Dad/MIL/Aunt!

IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever Wed 04-Oct-17 16:24:28

I don't understand why they're being like it. They were constantly joking with OH about getting married as we've been together 7 years. But now it's happening she's not happy.
I don't want to have to give up the day I've always wanted but just can't be arsed with the hassle.

AliceLostInWonderland321 Wed 04-Oct-17 16:28:30

Elope OP! Have a private wedding without the stress.

You can have a party when you get back to celebrate- and invite who YOU and DP want!!!

Santawontbelong Wed 04-Oct-17 16:31:01

We uninvited my mil2b which made for a great day. .
Feel free to steal my idea /change the relative as applicable. .

Loopytiles Wed 04-Oct-17 16:31:31

Do whatever you want to do.

planning a wedding is much more often a cause of stress than a wonderful time IMO.

Calic0 Wed 04-Oct-17 16:31:49

You should have the day that you want, like the others have said. And if that involves eloping then do it - if it involves having a day with family and friends then also do it but on your terms otherwise you will regret it.

I refused to invite my cousins to my wedding - they're significantly younger than me, I don't know them particularly well and I have no doubt they had no interest in attending. My aunt threw a massive strop and refused to come - which was a shame but I don't look back with any particular regrets. It's one of the few times in your life when I think that it's ok to be selfish.

Beeziekn33ze Wed 04-Oct-17 16:35:17

You so should be able to have the day you've always wanted, with the people you choose.
I think you're going to have to sit DM down and remind her whose wedding it is and that you and DH2B are adults. Then sit DMiL2B down and do the same.

Could you threaten DM that you'll go alone (you and your intended) to an unspecified remote location and come back married? That could possibly scare her into taking a back seat.

Wishing you a happy wedding day and a wonderful marriage to follow! 🥂🍾

K425 Wed 04-Oct-17 16:36:25

He did ask permission. He asked you, and you're the only one that matters.

FWIW, when DH and I married, it was a second marriage for both of us. Neither of us invited family. In fact, neither of us formally invited anyone, we just said to a bunch of online friends "we're doing this, on this day, here, and going for drinks afterwards". 60 people turned up because they wanted to, not because they were invited and felt obliged.

tl:dr do what makes you two happy. If you want to elope, or nip down the registry office, go for it.

Beeziekn33ze Wed 04-Oct-17 16:36:30

Calico - great minds think alike 😉

Cheerybigbottom Wed 04-Oct-17 16:36:55

Yanbu, I have serious regrets over my wedding (not marriage!) and every single one was caused by a family member.

Escape it all, go on holiday and get married.

AndInShortIWasAfraid Wed 04-Oct-17 16:38:32

Elope! I didn't and I really regret it. My MIL didn't want us to get married and invited 7 (out of 38) guests once we told her we had paid for everyone's meals. My 'D'M stole about £3000 worth of wedding gifts and the whole wedding was a disaster. I don't even have pictures. I really, really wish we'd eloped.

MidnightAura Wed 04-Oct-17 16:40:40

I had this with my wedding. Do what you want to do and don't let anyone walk all over you. You will regret it if you get pushed around and have the kind of wedding you don't want just to keep the peace.

When we had very similar sounding crap courtesy of DH's delightful parents calling the shots we considered eloping but in the end we had a small wedding with immediate family and close friends, we don't regret not having the circus they wanted. They just couldn't and still can't - get their head around this was an event not about them!

Don't get me wrong I'm sad when I think how things turned out between the inlaws and us but neither of us regret having the wedding we wanted, not the wedding his parents wanted to control wanted.

Weddings can show people's true colours.

Ttbb Wed 04-Oct-17 16:41:18

Tell them that if try want your cousins/uncle/stepchildren etc to find that they should pay for it. If they aren't paying for the wedding then they should just shut it. You are paying, you are planning, you are hosting so you can do whatever you want.

IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever Wed 04-Oct-17 16:46:12

Santawontbelong What was her reaction to being uninvited?

I can slightly understand my Mums point that family should be there but if we invite any more, we won't be able to have the venue we both love. And having the venue we dream of trumps having 12 cousins once removed there (literally!)

butterfly56 Wed 04-Oct-17 16:47:03

I would definitely consider eloping. A lot less stress involved.

DJBaggySmalls Wed 04-Oct-17 16:49:01

Elope. My family are like this at funerals as well as weddings. You cant fix them.

milliemolliemou Wed 04-Oct-17 16:51:33

Elope! have a lovely quiet wedding somewhere you both like with friends. Me, I'd go for Cornwall and book a large house and go swimming/sailing/walking. Get it catered or near a good place to eat out.

Then have a party for family when you want.

FfionFlorist Wed 04-Oct-17 16:53:23

My strategy would be, firstly with your fiancé, explain to them all calmly but very clearly that you will be doing what you want how you want it, weddings have changed in the generation since they got married, they had their chance now it is yours. Then secondly, I would say that if they continue to push you, you will elope. But of course this can't be an idle threat, you have to be prepared to do it. Then thirdly I would quietly get on with the planning without discussing options with any of them. Make it a done deal. Quickly as you can.

For full disclosure, we sort of eloped.

MissBabbs Wed 04-Oct-17 16:54:11

Don't discuss anything with her. Apart from finding out from other family who got invites - do not let her know anything.

She can only whinge if she knows what's happening.

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