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Should I follow the dream or not...

(24 Posts)
elephantsandhearts Wed 04-Oct-17 08:16:44

Some perspective urgently required please , I posted this yesterday on relationships but only had one lovely reply but am so confused as to what to do I thought I'd brace aibuconfused

So not to drip feed or type for hours I'll try and keep it simple.

Moved from family and friends with DH of 1 year to a rural location several hundred miles away. I relied on him for everything initially and trusted him , unusual for me as I had a track record of choosing idiots who couldn't be trusted with the budgie let alone anything that walked talked had huge norks
Anyway after a year or so I felt stifled and managed to get a fab job that I love and embrace the country life. I miss my family terribly but they have just got on with their lives and it seems I wasn't that important to them. Last year my trust in DH was shattered when he commenced an emotional affair with his work colleague . I have neither forgotten or forgiven but due to a shock death in my family in which he supported me unquestionably I have moved on and we are seemingly ok.
He has now suggested he is fed up with work and we should take a pre retirement gap year and travel round Europe. Before everything happened I would of been excited but now I'm thinking if I gave up our little home and lovely job I may regret it if we split up while away.
Or should I just go with the flow and embrace life as I would of done a couple years ago.
Sorry that was rambling!

Bluffinwithmymuffin Wed 04-Oct-17 08:26:19

It doesn't look to me as if it's a simple straightforward case of "going with the flow" or not, which it would be if you and DH had no other issues. In your shoes I wouldn't relinquish the things I am sure about - the home and job you love, and which you may not get back if the traveling goes wrong - to go away on a whim. It's not even your whim, it's his!

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Oct-17 08:30:03

If you neither forgive nor forget his emotional affair then the relationship is over. So finish it.

elephantsandhearts Wed 04-Oct-17 08:30:43

Thanks Bluff, I guess the alternative I'm concerned about is that if I don't go... he will.

elephantsandhearts Wed 04-Oct-17 08:32:43

Ouch Barb .
I don't feel strong enough to be on my own with everything else that has happened this year. Which sounds pretty pathetic!

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Oct-17 08:37:01

It sounds very human. But also like you know its over. Its fine not to get over it but not fine to pretend everything's ok when it's not. Sorry.

Rainallday Wed 04-Oct-17 08:38:49

If you go travelling with your DH when your relationship is shaky and you've left everything you're sure about behind and you're feeling low in confidence you're going to really struggle if you start arguing when travelling. You need to decide what's going to be best for you and building your life and happiness up and your DH should be prioritising you and your relationship as well.

elephantsandhearts Wed 04-Oct-17 08:41:06

Thank you, I suppose I'm missing the old me who would of been mega excited to do an unplanned road trip whatever the future consequences.
Being on my own just fills me with dread.

elephantsandhearts Wed 04-Oct-17 08:43:33

He is selling this as a fresh start and a chance of getting over the death of my loved one in one hit.
The problem is he's ready to go mentally but I'm not.
I don't think he will stay and work through the issues.

badabing36 Wed 04-Oct-17 08:52:28

You moved and left one job and life for him already, if you're happy where you are I'd say stay where you are.

He is trying to sell this to you, but he clearly wants to do this for you not him. Don't make your life revolve around him.

I doubt you are not important to your family people don't say it but I'm sure they miss you. I probably think about my siblings about 20 times before I contact them.

badabing36 Wed 04-Oct-17 08:53:43

Oops he wants to do this for him not you

Bluffinwithmymuffin Wed 04-Oct-17 10:51:43

Can you try and find some middle ground so you don't feel you're being forced into a situation where it's one thing or the other? Take longer planning the trip so you're working towards it together rather than just taking off?

You talk about the old you, which makes it sound like you've had your confidence shaken considerably.... if this is down to your DH, you need to think about your long term future with him.

You say you don't want to be on your own and I wouldn't advocate an LTB on the spot, ever - just don't make any decisions to please him but which may not be in your own best interests.

Good luck, OPflowers

elephantsandhearts Wed 04-Oct-17 13:47:17

Thank you for the replies.
I had thought of trying to wait until we were more sorted but he's insisting that it's to happen new year.
If I say no then I know he'll go and am not sure I can cope with that after the year I've had.
My thought process is to keep him thinking we may until I can come to terms with what he's done or not.

teaandtoast Wed 04-Oct-17 13:53:56

Well, he doesn't get to insist, does he?
His feelings don't trump yours.

Does he think you're 'over' what he did and it doesn't matter any more?

teaandtoast Wed 04-Oct-17 13:56:14

What would happen to your house, would you sell it?
Sorry to be cynical, but I'm just wondering if this is an 'easy' way to split up with you.

OverinaFlash Wed 04-Oct-17 14:03:22

If he would go without you then that's an even better reason not to give up your job and home to go with him. He won't put you first, or even equal, so why should you give up everything and follow him around.

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Oct-17 14:20:57

And you really think a relationship where you can't talk to him about what's bothering you, where you have to string him along to stop him leaving, is going to be better for your mental health than being single?

elephantsandhearts Wed 04-Oct-17 15:51:10

He know 100% I'm not over what he did .
He does believe however that this road trip will be a new start.
Plus he's bored with what he's doing now. Our house is rented , I'm not I could keep it going on own .
I know I must come across as a bit wet but honestly a year or two ago I would of been more on top of my feelings. It's hard grieving and trying to make a life changer decision.

badabing36 Thu 05-Oct-17 00:42:54

It does sound tough op, don't be too hard on yourself. flowers

CrikeyPeg Thu 05-Oct-17 01:27:32

Sounds like this road trip is just putting a band aid on the issues that you don't think he will stay and work through.

Pretenditsaplan Thu 05-Oct-17 02:24:20

So he knows you dont want to go. Especially right now but is insisting? And you know if you dont he'll go alone which will be essentially the end of the relationship. So hes basically trying to find a blameless way out of this relationship where you cant tell people it was because he had an emotional affair. Even if you went hed engineer a fight where you were the bad goy and youd be stranded with no home or job. Let him go. Tell him you expect him to continue paying rent for at least 3 months and in that time find somewhere you can afford. Move on.

CakesRUs Thu 05-Oct-17 02:38:12

Being out travelling with only him for company, all day every day, for a whole year?? Usually I'd say you seize every opportunity that comes your way, but I wouldn't give up my job and home whilst your relationship is rocky. Good luck to you.

sashimiyummies Thu 05-Oct-17 03:38:02

I think you would be mad to give up a job for this. Sounds like he's putting himself beyond temptation for a year but what happens when he returns? I wouldn't waste my time with a cheater.

elephantsandhearts Thu 05-Oct-17 08:12:41

I appreciate all your replies.
I didn't make it clear in OP that he doesn't know yet that I have doubts going away. In fact to keep the peace Ive gone along with his plans as far as pointing out the possible negatives and positives but erring on side of caution. But he seems so sure that this will bring the old us back to life that whenever I point out something that may be an issue he acts crestfallen and I feel guilty.
I need to get a backbone!
It's just so hard when he was so supportive through my bereavement.

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