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AIBU?

To be so disappointed in my husband

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LetItRain88 · 29/09/2017 11:33

So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.

Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.

Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.

I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.

I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.

He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.

He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.

Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.

Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).

I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.

He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.

He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.

And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.

I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.

I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.

I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?

I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.

I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.

My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.

Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.

Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull

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19lottie82 · 29/09/2017 11:42

LTB