To be so disappointed in my husband(556 Posts)
So a little over 3 weeks ago I had a horrific birth experience resulting in 4th degree tears. Lost bladder control which is slowly coming back and almost lost bowel/sphincter control but fortunately all seems ok in that department now thankfully.
Still in a fair bit of pain and got quite bad baby blues, but this seems to be subsiding thank god.
Husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7. We both work full time (me past tense until maternity leave is over). We own our house and wanted to have a baby so we tried and after a number of years I got pregnant I knew it would be hard work, I was under no illusion, but what I didn't expect is to feel like I'm in this all by myself.
I now feel like I have a flat mate who occasionally picks up the baby for a minute or two but other than that doesn't have any interest in him.
I am exhausted naturally from generally having a baby, but the trauma of the birth and the resulting injuries mean I needed a little extra help- but I'm getting literally nothing.
He had taken two weeks annual leave after the baby was born, I presumed to spend time at home helping with DS. But he literally has gone to the gym every single day since the day we came home from hospital for at least 3 or 4 hours a time. If he's not at the gym he is having a nap(!!!!!). And now he's back at work he is still fitting in a number of hours each day at the gym around a full time job. If he decides to have a rare rest day he will spend that time sleeping, not helping with the baby or around the house.
He does cook dinners on the days he isn't on late shift but that was usually what he did anyway before the baby.
Even before he went back to work I've been sleeping in the lounge with the baby while DH sleeps in the bed upstairs. I didn't mind at first because I kinda just presumed that we could take it in turns to do night shifts. But I literally had to ask him if I could please have just one night in bed while he looked after DS (he wasn't at work at this point). He did get a bit huffy but knew he couldn't protest so agreed. I was so excited and thanked him so much so he knew how important it was to me and got myself into bed. He managed it until 4:30am when he came and got me saying it's better to get me now as DS would be waking up for another feed soon so I could just do that and then go back to sleep on the sofa. I protested saying please just let me sleep I need to rest but he got narky so I gave in and got up.
Since DS was born I have asked to sleep in bed twice and both times he got me up at 4 oclock/5oclock ish even tho the second time I asked him to please let me sleep until at least 6am (I'd have loved a lay in but could tell there was literally no point in asking).
I have literally been in tears crying at him this morning because now both DS and I also now have full blown colds. DS can't sleep properly, wakes up every hour or so and I have a massive head ache and sore throat and haven't been able to even wash myself for two days.
He is on late shift today, had a rest day from the gym and instead of saying to me I could have an hour to sleep while he watched DS he had himself a nice long lay in and long shower before getting ready and going to work. His response to my crying was to say "aw babes you're doing a great job". Which is nice of him to say, and he does say it regularly, usually just before he leaves to go to the gym again. But I need physical help.
He says "sleep when baby sleeps", which is easier said than done. I'm trying to get my baby back on breast too (long story to do with the 4th degree tears making it almost impossible to BF at first) and having to bottle feed, wash and sterilise bottles, offer breast to DS and also express. It's like feeding triplets as I'm doing three time consuming things at every feed.
And the house is disgusting. Trying to keep on top of it too while trying to remember to even eat is a task on its own while I have baby blues and pain from stitches and bladder control loss on top of minimal sleep.
I know house work isn't important right now but there is a standard of cleanliness I am not willing to give up on.
I say to him often "I need a bath" or "I've not had a chance to wash since yesterday" or something along these lines but he just goes "oh right" and brushes it off.
I don't feel like I'm expecting too much. An hour in bed here and there, for him to change a nappy for once, offer to do a feed while I eat dinner instead of letting it go cold, not even to run my bath for me but to just say "ok you go get in the bath I'll watch the baby". Maybe do the washing up!?
I mentioned it to him a few days ago that I need more help with the baby and that while I appreciate the gym is important to him his priorities need to change at least for a few months while the baby is so little and I am in such a state while I heal. He got immediately very defensive and quite angry saying he's stressed and it's his only release and he's not willing to stop going or go any less than he already does.
I know there's no point in talking to him about it again, I guess I don't even really know why I'm posting this, I just need to vent I suppose. I am fully at the end of my tether. I don't want to nag him I just want him to know already what is needed- it's not rocket science and he's a clever guy and he does already know, but it's like he's making a point of not letting the baby affect his life in any way.
My mum helps out when she can at the moment but she is moving back to America next week and I have no one else that can help nearby.
Anyway my industrial double breast pump has just been delivered and DS has finally nodded off so I'm gonna go milk myself.
Sleep when the baby sleeps...what a pile of bull
Or leave him with the baby and check yourself into a hotel for a couple of days.
No you are NOT being unreasonable.
I'm shocked and utterly appalled at your husbands behaviour. He is behaving in a disgracefully selfish manner, totally unsupportive and even daring to make a person with serious physical injuries worse by waking them, expecting them to care 24/7 for a newborn effectively alone. OP I'm so very sorry but your husbands behaviour is borderline abusive! 👿
He needs to step up and look after his child. On his next day off leave him with the baby for the day. Go out anywhere and leave him to it.
He sounds like an absolutely dick.
I would be at screaming point. He needs a reality check - who the hell goes to the gym when they have a wife who's struggling with a new baby at home?
First things first - do not get out of the bed. If anyone is to sleep on the sofa, it's him. If you need to order a spare bed, do it, but do not get out of your bed.
Maybe speak to your health visitor? You're setting yourself up for PND at the moment. To be honest I think I'd find it much easier without him around.
Could you pay for cleaners to come in and blitz the house?
Ask him how much time he thinks he'd get at the gym with 50/50 custody. I hate this, my dh did it a little when I had my dd. I was on maternity leave so his life was supposed to stay the same while everything about mine had been turned upside down. Eventually I snapped, told him I may as well be doing it by myself but getting a few days off while he had dd at his own place, so he could move out if he didn't want to change his ways to accommodate the baby. Things got a lot better. In his defence I also think we spend 9 months of our lives being slowly changed while pregnant, not being able to do things we always could, being exhausted etc. By the time baby gets here we're readyish for the change. Men have no real preparation for it and I think it takes some a while to become parents (not that that makes it better for you)
Fucking hell. OP please leave. I only got as far as you sleeping on the sofa with the baby whilst he sleeps in the bed. PLEASE leave.
Would you get further if someone else told him what he should be doing? Eg midwife on a home visit?
Really sorry to hear you're in this situation, it's totally shitty of him.
Show him what you've written here. Sometimes it takes seeing it down in black and white to realise what a knob you're being.
I'm so sorry for you - it's a horrible time anyway (whatever anyone says about the precious newborn days!) not made easier by a bloke who feels his work was done after he contributed some sperm. He needs a kick up the arse.
Also definitely do not get out of the bed. And if you feel up to it definitely go out for a few hours and leave him to it. Should hit him pretty quickly that his behaviour is shit. If not you've got a bigger problem than him finding it hard to adjust.
Do you have a relationship with his parents? If so I'd call him mum and cry down the phone a bit...
Tonight as soon as he is in the door give him the baby and go lock yourself in the bathroom. .
Then make a schedule in black and white of when he has baby duties. Do not put gym time on the planner. IF he has spare time and after you have had your 'you' time he can pop out. .
You need to toughen up op. .
Unless the single parent life with a lodger is what you want.
Why aren't you sleeping in your own bed?!
Just put son in sleeper cot/moses basket next to the bed. If he wakes up your 'D'H, tough shit.
He is being incredibly selfish. Is he even bottle feeding son? Why did he need to wake you for a feed?
Read him the riot act. You've tried being nice and that hasn't worked so get angry. How dare he leave you with the baby the entire time when you're physically in need of help yourself? And if he's stressed, how does he think you feel?
In future don't be indirect, say to him 'I need a shower, here's the baby, you're in charge for the next half hour'. Likewise, 'I'm feeding the baby so you sort out tea, please'. It is NOT unreasonable to expect him to share the load.
Why is the baby sleeping downstairs? Can't he sleep in your bedroom and when he wakes, either you or him deal with baby as needed? That way you get to sleep in a proper bed. And he gets less chance to ignore it all and sleep on regardless.
And I would tell him frankly that right now he is making things worse for you (not letting you sleep in the bed FFS) and that you need him to step up to being a loving partner and dad (and that means doing x y z a set it out) and that if he can't do that he needs to move out.
Jesus what a prize git he is.
So sorry he is being so crap. How fucking dare he sleep in the bed with you on the sofa, how dare he.
Perhaps he isn't coping? Have you tried speaking to him about how he's feeling? Does he need to go and see a GP? I know there is a chorus of LTB going on but it's possible he is suffering from depression and needs some outside support. You're not doing anything wrong - I can completely understand and appreciate how hard it is for you, and you in no way should be picking up the slack. I'm just saying avoidance doesn't always mean "can't be arsed", it can also mean "I'm not coping".
Sounds like my ex.
It rarely gets better.
He needs to shape up or ship out.
Crickey OP! Someone throw cold water over him! He needs a reality check! What does he think was going to happen?
I'd suggest seeing your health visitor for support and see if they can help
Honestly I am beyond shocked that he could leave his wife & newborn to do this alone while he sleeps & has a jolly at the gym. I'd kick his arse out so he gets to realise he needs to shape up or find a new home! You'd have more rest and less work of you LTB. You deserve better OP
Sounds like he is coping beautifully to me. Lots of time to himself, lots of sleep, life continuing as normal..
He sounds like a dick, and I'm so sorry he's not helping you .
You should be working as a team at this early stage with a baby.
OP get out.
Going it alone is better than that.
It may be the wake up call he needs or it may be the best thing you do for you and your child.
Imagine having to explain to a child why Daddy never spends time with him when he gets home.
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