To not know what to do in this nursery situation

[Losek]

DD is 2 and at nursery. She is usually quite friendly with the other children in her class and happy to share but occasionally gets absorbed in a task, and will quietly but purposefully sit sorting cups or building blocks and gets very upset if disturbed when doing it (also happens at home). On more than one occasion I have noticed one particular child who will see when she is like this and will always come and disturb her - taking one of the sorting cups or breaking her block tower and will run away with it. DD then bursts into tears, runs after the child and eventually the child gives the item back to her. DD returns to her task, and moments later the cycle repeats. Each time she gets more and more upset. Obviously I am only seeing this snippet of their interactions but I've noticed the nursery staff have a stock ' please share' response and she gets made to play with this child ( when she obviously doesn't want to, and there are plenty of other blocks/sorting cups for the other child). I don't think this is fair ( putting myself in her shoes, I'd be annoyed at someone bothering me if I was absorbed in something) but what do I do/say about it? I'm not sure if relevant by the other child is a boy.

[fivefour3twoone]

Seriously?!

[WorraLiberty]

Of course it's not relevant that the other child is a boy, why do you think it might be?

It's a difficult one really because at 2 years old, they're so young and learning how to interact with other young children doesn't always go well.

I can imagine the nursery staff pretty much have to go with the 'please share' response because what else can they do?

[Janni65]

I don't think children really understand 'sharing' till they're about three years old - two year olds play alongside each other, rather than with each other, in my experience. I think your daughter's reaction is perfectly understandable. Maybe there are mumsnetters on here who are also nursery workers and could give you some advice on how best to phrase your concerns. Good luck x

[WorraLiberty]

two year olds play alongside each other rather than with each other

I think that's spot on actually for the majority of two year olds.

Being put into nursery and forced to socialise, can be quite stressful for some toddlers, yet for others it seems to be fine.

[Madbum]

2 year olds generally can’t share, they see things as ‘theirs’ if they have it.
I’m an Early Years practitioner and if this situation occurred where I work it would be dealt with differently, we would see your DDs activity as very valuable and important to her, we wouldn’t allow the other child to snatch it away.
I would ask the other child to return the items and explain in a simple way that it’s unkind to upset our friends.
We would then give the other child the same toy or activity or if there is no other the child would be encouraged to take an egg timer and told that their turn would come when the time runs out, this would be made clear to both children and they would be supported to manage this exchange.
If the behaviour continues we would introduce activities, stories, and situations where turn taking can be supported and learned and we would also have a theme of kindness, kind hands- no hitting, snatching, pinching etc. This would be emphasised daily as part of carpet time and children reminded throughout the session as appropriate.
Your DD really shouldn’t be forced to share at her age, especially when she’s really engrossed and enjoying a deep sense of play and learning from her chosen activity is distressing and devaluing her choices in play.

[mctat]

Agree with others. Forced sharing is not sharing!

[maudeismyfavouritepony]

I always say there is sharing and taking your turn.

Some toys are for sharing, othersnfor waiting and taking your turn and it boils my piss when I see a mother of a child taking a toy of my child who complains, and mother says 'oh, she's not sharing'. Fuck off and tell your child to wait.

[Losek]

Thanks for the thoughts, especially Madbum. This has been bothering me, but I was doubting myself/thinking I wa being a bit pfb.

How should I approach this with the staff?

[Madbum]

Ask for a meeting with her key person and explain your concerns about her being forced to share when she’s a, not developmentally ready (neither is the snatching child and probably most of the other children) and b, clearly engrossed and getting a lot out of this type of play.

Ask them how it can be managed in a way that your daughter isn’t being distressed by the snatching child and that encourages turn taking rather than sharing as you think she would manage that better, you can even suggest an egg timer if the keyworker doesn’t (she really should though it’s basic!)
Keep it light and focused on your DDs needs, if no joy still then ask to speak to the room leader and escalate to the manager if you’re still getting nowhere, it shouldnt need to get that far though, our whole ethos in early years is working in partnership with parents to benefit the child so they should take your concerns in board and be willing to sort it out.

[Losek]

Thanks, very helpful. Will do that and see how it goes.

[FlakeBook]

I wouldn't want an egg timer. The op's dd isn't stopping the other child playing with the toy (there are plenty of other blocks) and the other child isn't trying to engage with dd, he is enjoying the reaction when he disturbs her game.

What I would hope the nursery would do is distract the other child and positively reinforce other ways of interacting for him.

They should be teaching "please can I have it after you?" and explaining that we can't snatch.

We have used quiet time mats that children can use if they don't want to be disturbed. Other children may not join their game on the quiet time mat.

If dd was hogging one toy for the whole session so that nobody else could have a turn, that would need handling differently and turn taking could then be encouraged. But it doesn't sound as though that is happening.

[swingofthings]

Are you sure you have truly experienced what you've described? Because that would indicate you sitting there, without your DD noticing you, for quite some time to see the child doing this again and again (whilst your DD cries more and more and still you remain hidden), and this on more than one occasion?

Make sure before you ask to speak with the staff that you are genuinely not seeing the situation worth than what it is. If indeed it is as black and white as you describe, then I would just have a friendly talk with her co-worker. If you believe that your DD is being mistreated emotionally/psychologically by the incompetence of staff, you need to remove her and find a more gentle environment for her.

[NoMoreNotToday]

Please share is easily replaced by don't swipe.

[TansyVioletta]

It must be really frustrating for your dd not to be able to ever finish what she's doing without it being messed up. When that happens with a younger sibling messing with what an older sibling is doing you can work round it by getting them to do activities up a table that the younger one can't reach but obviously that won't work in this case. I would speak to the staff about it

[fivefour3twoone]

I think your daughter will have a tough life if you protect her in this manner so early on - it seems ridiculously OTT to me. Kids snatch toys off each other all.the.time.

[fivefour3twoone]

distressing and devaluing her choices in play
Ok, good luck with that at any mainstream primary or secondary.

[Madbum]

Thankfully we value children’s choices in play and their learning a lot in early years settings fivefour3twoone it’s a shame that concept is so alien to you.

[fivefour3twoone]

You're not always going to be there to ensure a child doesn't nab a toy off your child, its an important skill for your child to learn - it's all about managing feelings and behaviour - all perfectly clear in the eyfs I might add.

[mctat]

'Ok, good luck with that at any mainstream primary or secondary.'

How is that even relevant? A child in primary or secondary is completely different to a young toddler with little impulse control.

[Losek]

Swing - this has happened a couple of times when I've come to pick her up, she notices me, smiles but goes back to her activity while I talk to the room leader at the other side of the room (and watch her). She is totally focussed on what she's doing - obsessive to the point I wondered if her behaviour is normal. But she's not like this all the time, just certain 'moods' and more likely with certain types of toy (blocks, cups, puzzles).

Five - actually, thus far I haven't protected her at all, as I wasn't sure if it was normal or not and as I said, didn't know what to do. Should I interrupt? Ignore? As I said, the generic "please share" doesn't seem right. You mention managing feelings and behaviour - what should I be doing, either in the moment or afterward?