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To find holding my tongue impossible!

(67 Posts)
IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever Tue 26-Sep-17 15:50:27

I'm recently engaged and we're planning our wedding.
I've had a strained relationship with my MiL2b for quite a while. But I'm finding it more and more difficult to hold my tongue.
Since we have got engaged she's seemed to have an opinion on everything. From where we should have our engagement party, what food we should serve and who's to be invited to whether or not the venue we love is too "itty bitty".
I said that I'd quite like a small intimate wedding. Her response was "No. (Insert Husband to be's name) wants a posh wedding. You need to let him have it otherwise he'll resent you." "I don't want my son having the type of wedding me and his father had. It was an absolute sham." They are recently divorced but were sitting next to each other at a family function (for appearance sakes).
She has told my parents that me and fiance don't like their ideas.
Told me that if it all goes to pot I'll carry on with my life quite happily but H2B will be devastated- like I'm the aloof, going along with it for the ride type of person.
She doesn't care who she hurts or offends and I'm honestly getting tired of it.
I'm so excited for our wedding and happier than I've ever been but I'm getting worn down by the comments and her constant involvement.
Fiance won't talk to me about it as I think he thinks I'm just being unnecessarily rude as I take so much then explode into a bitchy comment or two (or three) I know I shouldn't but I just can't help it.
I just want to tell her to piss of but that's going to drive a wedge between us which is ultimately what she wants.
There's so much that I've tried to sweep under the rug when it comes to her bitchiness that I feel it unraveling beneath me. I don't want to spoil the happiest times of our lives by arguing about her but can't keep going on the way we are.

IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever Tue 26-Sep-17 16:00:45

I don't know how to go about raising the issue with my partner without causing a massive argument or how to continue biting my tongue...

MrsJamesAspey Tue 26-Sep-17 16:04:17

How often do you see her and where?

I'd be avoiding her and letting H2B see her on his own smile

Lovingmybear2 Tue 26-Sep-17 16:08:02

Mmmm you have a mummies boy problem not a mil problem.

this is just going to get worse unless your husband to be stands up for you and by you.

Never mind the arguments this needs to be sorted before the wedding.

Seriously she needs slapping down now.

Whose paying for the wedding?

guilty100 Tue 26-Sep-17 16:09:59

I think you need to have a conversation with your fiance about what you both want, and the need to make your own decisions. I would focus this on practicalities, not personalities. Where do you want the wedding? How many people should you invite? The dialogue needs to be calm, non-confrontational and to have a sense of finality, e.g. you reach a decision point that is shared, and that you don't then shift.

Then, when MIL tells you otherwise, you can simply say "No, we've made the decision and we're having it at X, with X number of people".
And just keep repeating, calmly and quietly. Don't be suckered into bitchy comments or anger.

NB To take this line, you need to pay for it yourself without financial help from them. If they're paying towards it, I'm afraid you have to countenance their ideas.

IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever Tue 26-Sep-17 16:12:47

Until we got engaged, I saw her once a month. If OH wanted to see her, he'd go himself. This was something I'd enforced after a stream of bitchiness on her behalf. But now, we are seeing her more and more often. At least twice a week. I'd understand her wanting to see us more to share the happiness of the situation but she just projects her opinions onto me constantly about how her way is much better than ours.
Hopefully, we will go back to lunch once a month but I just can't see it happening any time soon!

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Tue 26-Sep-17 16:14:28

Men marry their mothers wink

guilty100 Tue 26-Sep-17 16:16:30

That's not fair, sloe - Op sounds nothing like her MIL! And I'm definitely nothing at all like mine <recoils in horror>

She's domineering. You need to get your DH onto the same page as you, and push back (politely but firmly) with some boundaries.

IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever Tue 26-Sep-17 16:17:25

My parents have offered to pay for the venue so obviously don't take kindly to her telling them that what they suggest is not want we want (although having no idea what we want!)
She has offered to pay for H2B's suit. So she doesn't really have the standing to dictate what we're having.
We do come up with ideas of what we want ourselves but whenever she suggests something, he goes along with it for an easy life. It belittles me and makes me look like I'm being awkward when I try to stick to our guns.

IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever Tue 26-Sep-17 16:19:11

To be honest, I struggle to articulate my issues to him firmly and politely without it coming across as an attack on her. Which is obviously where I'm going wrong but I just get frustrated with the lack of communication.

TheSparrowhawk Tue 26-Sep-17 16:21:42

Your problem is your H2B, not your mother in law. She is who she is and she won't change. You're not marrying her and you don't have to have a relationship with her. You do, however, have to have a relationship with your fiance and his response to your discomfort is to tell you to shut up and that you're rude. What'll happen when you have a baby? Your life will be hell.

I would say to your H2B that either he deals with his mother or the wedding is off.

Lovingmybear2 Tue 26-Sep-17 16:23:08

Love if you can't be honest and have a serious conversation with your fiancée about his mum without him having a tantrum I would be seriously worried about how he's going to be as a husband.

guilty100 Tue 26-Sep-17 16:24:53

Yep, to use that Mumsnet chestnut: you have a DH problem. grin

It's probably good that this is coming up now, because it's a major problem for some men who are trapped in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) wrt a dominant and bullying parent. For your married life to be a happy one, your DH and you need to be on the same page wrt your MIL's ideas and demands. That means that decisions you make together don't automatically get rescinded just because she doesn't agree. This can actually be quite a difficult step for many men to take, firstly because it involves conflict; and secondly, because they associate resistance with a withdrawal of care and love, which makes it painful.

First step is getting your DH to acknowledge a problem. Right now he's going down the route of least resistance: you won't create the stink your MIL will, so you are the easier party to offend. Ending this by setting some boundaries with him is probably the first step. This is why you need to make some very clear decisions together, and agree to stick to them. Then, when your MIL overrides them, you can raise the issue of boundaries being overridden.

You need to work as a team against someone who is a bully. It takes some years to perfect the technique when one of your team is used to being that bully's victim. But it can be done!

Kintan Tue 26-Sep-17 16:25:23

Can you stop sharing details and ideas with her? If she pushes just tell her you want to give everyone a surprise on the day. I would be concerned however that your husband to be doesn't have you back - your MiL is likely to get worse once you are married/have kids so you need to put some boundaries in place now - and in any case your husband to be should be backing you up anyway!

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Tue 26-Sep-17 16:26:24

Sit down with h2b and make a list of what you two want for your wedding. Note if something is set in stone and also note if you are flexible on any elements.

Stick to this list

Batteriesallgone Tue 26-Sep-17 16:28:33

Love if you can't be honest and have a serious conversation with your fiancée about his mum without him having a tantrum I would be seriously worried about how he's going to be as a husband.

This!! Also him 'going along with her for an easy life' is prioritising her wishes over yours. For your wedding.

Like others have said, sort this now otherwise this attitude will make life hell when you have kids. And that won't be fair on anyone, especially not the children.

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo Tue 26-Sep-17 16:35:28

So your DH2B would rather put his mum's wishes above yours for the sake of a quiet life… FOR YOUR WEDDING? I would be running for the hills, because if you think this is bad now, wait until you have kids. She will be a nightmare and he'll be the one wrenching the baby off your boob to hand it to her.

IllAssumeItWasSomethingClever Tue 26-Sep-17 16:35:29

I know deep down he is the problem. He never has my back over hers because, like someone said, I'm going to kick up less of a stink that she does.
How do I address this though? He's the love of my life and means the world to me but we just can't talk about it as he shuts down. sad

Dustbunny1900 Tue 26-Sep-17 16:36:53

This us a much bigger problem than the wedding..this is just a symptom/one issue illustrating a much bigger problem of a controlling manipulative mil and a husband who won't be an adult and stand by his wife. Very unhealthy dynamic you need to address..and if you can't address it without him getting defensive, pouty, and shutting down then good lord. Do you want this wedding at all if things continue in this vein??
What do you think will happen when you have a baby, or want to move,or any number of things ! This will just play out again.

Slimthistime Tue 26-Sep-17 16:37:59

I don't get it

you are seeing his mother more often but he doesn't want to?

also does he want this venue or not?

It sounds like he uses her to do his talking for him! Which in turn makes me think he is the problem.

guilty100 Tue 26-Sep-17 16:38:35

You need to solve it, because it's already coming between you. Especially you need to solve it if you plan to have children together, because you have a storm brewing there otherwise. You may need a counsellor to get him to open up if he really won't talk about it with you, but I'd try first to see whether a non-confrontational approach doesn't work. If he really refuses, I'd say this is a dealbreaker. You don't want to end up being one of those women married to a man who can't say no to his mother.

Slimthistime Tue 26-Sep-17 16:39:16

oh sorry I missed your last post - you know he is the problem?

in that case, read Philippa Gregory's The Little House - though please don't enact what is in the book! - and decide if you are happy to do what pleases MIL2b for the rest of your life.

sounds like a nightmare to me.

WhatwouldOliviaPopedo Tue 26-Sep-17 16:40:05

Has he said he would be heartbroken if it wasn't a big posh event? Or is that her spinning you a line? I think it's time for an ultimatum: either he backs you up or the wedding is off. Seriously, how would he react if you said you're getting so fed up with it being her dream wedding rather than yours that you would rather cancel it than go ahead? Because it sounds like only an ultimatum will shake him out of his Mummy-inflicted stupor.

RhiannonOHara Tue 26-Sep-17 16:40:53

Well, stop seeing her for starters.

And tell your fiancé why. Write it down if necessary, so you don't have to say it all over again and being rude/attacking her.

It is definitely a problem with him, not with the MIL.

Jaxhog Tue 26-Sep-17 16:41:09

As others have said, you need to sit down and discuss with H2B. You need to known what HE wants and he needs to know what YOU want. Only then can you agree.

You also need to agree your budget and broad parameters of the wedding. I don't imagine that your parents are offering a blank cheque! Your MIL2B cannot demand a big wedding, unless she is paying for it.

I do remember from my wedding, many years ago, that families tend to think of it as THEIR event not yours. But at least all the 'extras' my family wanted (and mostly got) were paid for by them.

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